32 and never had an orgasm with someone else

[Freshfaced85]

I am not really sure what I am after or what to expect but I think it best to be completely open and honest.
I'm 32 and have never had an orgasm with someone else. I can give myself one with a bullet but that's about it. And even then it's hit and miss. My mind can wander and suddenly something inappropriate will come into my head and it kills the mood.
I've been with dh for 10 years and he is my only sexual experience. I think I touched one penis before his and I more tugged it as I was 19, shy and way out of my depth.
I get turned on by things (although not really dh) but sex is just nothing, meh.
We rarely have sex these days, maybe 5 times in the past year, and haven't been having much at all since dd arrived 3 years ago.
Even before that I wouldn't say I really got anything from sex at all. I even went through a period of it hurting and bleeding after it, which had big psychological impact but I'm through that now.
However, is it bad that I fake it and have done so for the past decade?!
Dh tries to stimulate with his fingers but as soon as it feels like it's starting to turn me on, he seems to tire or moves slightly or goes too hard and too strong. I've tried to instruct but he just goes a bit needy and it feels like he has no clue what he's doing either. It never really feels like he's understood what I want and I'm not sure I even know.
I so want to have decent sex. I never have ever and I really want to feel what it's like.
He won't go down on me (never has and never will so that's something else I'll never experience) and sex is literally nothing in our relationship.
The sex I have had in my life means I couldn't care less if I never had sex ever again.
I just don't know what to do.
I've tried to suggest new things and ask him what he would like to try but he's got nothing. He orgasms anyway (fairly fast as we do it so little) and he just isn't prepared to offer anything he fancies trying.
Ive offered some ideas (blindfolds, him taking charge) but the blindfolds didn't really do much and as for him taking charge, it was uneventful.
Help!
I'm doomed to never really experience enjoyable sex.

Ah I'm sorry OP - I'm not sure I have anything helpful to add. But If you are courageous you could try to get your DH interested in something more experimental and adventurous that focusses more on the play before than the act. It's worth giving it a go - there might also be things he would like to try.

I'm now divorced but when I was still married and it started flatlining I used to dream of sex and think I'd never be a sexual person again. But I don't think I had my first orgasm till I was 44!

I'm sure you realise that you are way too young to be giving up on sex.

Artificial stimulation using vibrators etc can adversely affect your sexual response and make it so that it becomes the only way you can orgasm.

Equally, your partner needs to up his game a little more, to make you feel more relaxed,to learn how to stimulate you and masturbate you.

The bullet has been a fairly recent investment as I I thought it would be good to bring into the bedroom. However it transpires that I am rather self conscious and found it didn't help us and I can only "get there" when using it solo.
I think because I don't know what I like or want and am a bit shy about it, I want him to take charge and try things, but I don't think he knows what he's doing either.
It's lovely that he often asks if what he's doing is nice or good etc so he is considerate, but it kills the mood.

I felt compelled to post .
I am the same. But I am much older than you and never had an orgasm with my DH in all the years we've been together. I find it hard to write this, but I am seriously- at my age- considering leaving my marriage because of the poor sex. I don't want to live like this for ever. I feel a failure and feel my sex life is a failure.

DH is a sweet and lovely man. But the sex has never been 'whoooorgh'! Always just 'cosy'. Never ripping clothes off even from the start.

Before him, I'd had a few partners, but only one really knew what to do and I was self conscious and had never orgasmed on my own anyway then.

I didn't orgasm on my own till my 50s. Then I got a vibrator and it's easy. DH doesn't know I have a vibrator - I feel self conscious telling him and even though he's suggested 'we' get one, I can't own up.

Like you, when we are having sex I can't let go. Something about him inhibits me. He's quiet, he's kind, he's too eager to please in some ways but lacks imagination, He doesn't appear to like to finger me, He never does and even when I ask he doesn't. . He' s not that keen on giving oral either , even though I ask him to, and when he has it's not that great anyway.

Some time back I had a one-off fling with an old friend, who I fancied like mad, when things went too far. I used my vibrator and came. What it showed me was how I could behave differently with another man. Maybe it was easier because there was no history or expectations.

I think you need to accept that perhaps you and DH are not a good fit sexually. You could try seeing a sex therapist together or on your own. You could try getting over your shyness (easier said than done) but it sounds as if two inexperienced people may have an issue that's hard to resolve.

I know this isn't exactly helpful but I am 20 years older than you and I just don't want you to be still feeling this when you are 50+. If your marriage is great in other ways you might want to stay, but it's something you should think about hard.

It sounds like you love your husband (you say he's considerate so that's promising). I presume you would want to stay married to him if the sex were better? If that is the case, why don't you try to find a sex therapist? I have no experience of them, but I have seen one on TV who seemed really good. You go together as a couple I think. It's worth a try and I bet it works. It might be expensive, but not as expensive as a divorce.

However, is it bad that I fake it and have done so for the past decade?!

I missed this. So do you mean you are faking overall enjoyment or faking an orgasm?? If it's the latter, your DH will think he's hitting the spot and doesn't need to do anything else.
Please stop faking whatever it is. It's not helping you- or him.

OP - I am sorry, it a terrible place to be.

A few things came to mind while reading this.
First - I don’t think it’s fair to expect your H - who sounds as inexperienced and inhibited as you - to, somehow, magically know what to do. And how to spice it all up.
This takes both of you. Both need to want to and make effort.

Second - you need to do a long more self-exploration to figure it what you want and like. Buy a proper sized vibrator. Play with it in different ways - with / without the actual vibration (like a dildo).
And once you know - you can show him.

Not doing oral - what are his reasons? Do you do blow jobs for him? Is that a mutual thing?
I’d talk about it. And certainly start by giving it myself - rather than demanding.

Finally - yes? Sex therapist can hwlp with ideas.
Also - free internet resources. Yes - porn can also be used for ideas.

But the main point - you need to talk to your H and get him to understand that it’s important to you and you want to try to change it.

God losing headspace can be a killer. It has happened to me in the past. I have an over active imagination that is often great for the bedroom but sometimes I find my mind wondering onto other subjects that can cause a distraction to the job in hand. Sometimes quite random (and often assuming) things just pop into my head (I thought I was the only one this happened to). I know that sometimes if your life is full of other stresses this doesn't help. I would say the key is to try and build up tension and maintain that head space. Although (catch 22) trying to hard to keep your concentration on the job in hand can be a stress and distraction in its self. You need to find your how to get totally lost in the moment. Communicating, practise and lots of experimenting. Ask yourself what are you thinking of when you do manage to climax by yourself. Can you replicate this in your imagination when you are having sex? Is it something your dp can help replicate?

I didn't have good sex until I was 30...so much time wasted on men who don't care if you're having fun. If he won't go down on you, and doesn't do what you direct him yo do or just stops, he sounds pretty selfish to me. My exes used to make all the motions of trying to make me come then gave up as it was too complicated and I was "ruining their confidence". I'm now with a fantastic man who will do whatever it takes to make me come

Some time back I had a one-off fling with an old friend,

Why are you still with your husband?

To the OP: hope you get some improvements! The previous posters have given you some good advice.

Why the fuck are you with a guy who won't go down on you? (Assuming you have good hygeine)

Hi all. Lots of helpful ideas.
I'm going to talk to him more about how to make things better. He doesn't seem to have any ideas though. Think he just likes it as it is and is happy to try ideas I have but I make most of the decisions in our life so I think maybe that's part of it, that I want him to take charge.
And no I don't fake it all the time. I used to when we first started and then I stopped. He knows I enjoy it but the enjoyment never lasts and the climax doesn't happen.
I just want things to be better and it feels like everyone doesn't understand how I've got to this age and never had good sex.
Feel like it stems from both our personality types and the experiences we've had (or lack of)

I would get yourself a rabbit and experiment on your own, then you can show him what you like. That's the only way I can orgasm. Tbh your partner sounds bit feeble and disinterested. It's not good enough...he should want to make sure you're satisfied every time

The upsides are that you have a willing partner who sounds as if he might put the effort in and that you have reached a stage of being determined to enjoy sex.
I would get some books that both of you could read to get ideas and to get a general feeling going of a joint effort starting.
I know it's very difficult but you need to start trying not to give a damn about how you look or sound and just really be on the search for what feels good for you.
I can really recommend a book called Come As You Are by a female, American, hang on I'll be back with her name.

Emily Nagoski. She writes very interestingly about the female experience of sex and has some good insights into how to overcome problems.

There is a website called 'OMGYes' or similar which guides you through techniques. If he lacks experience and doesn't know where to start, you could perhaps subscribe together and try things out?

I was going to suggest OMGYES and Mona has got here before me.
My partner is more reserved in bed, though willing, I haven’t ever been good at explaining what I want and struggled to orgasm with previous partners (though I had a lot of sex) as I couldn’t let go. We’ve found watching the course videos together really helpful and great for our communication about what I like and want, and he feels more confident. He was also anti- going down on me and said never but now he feels more confident he will. So all may not be lost. If definitely go look at the site and the research they’ve done is amazing.
But you’ve said you’re faking it - does he actually know you’re not being satisfied?

He def knows that I am not currently satisfied and have used having a child as the turning point. Its not completely honest I know but I couldn't destroy him and explained that things have felt different since said child, hormones and feelings change and although I like sex it's not wow.

I have similar problems-I just can't concentrate long enough, sex isn't that interesting when you think about it. For some people a bit of novelty could help but how much novelty can you have? It does help when the other person speaks to you during sex because it helps you stay focused. I also find that a stiff drink helps keep your mind on track.

Could you get a vibrator that looks less intimidating than a rabbit? My DP seemed astounded at the size!

I have a small palm held one and it's fantastic. Love Honey has this - Desire Luxury USB Rechargeable Clitoral Vibrator which is similar.

Get to grips with it first yourself but the try introducing it to the bedroom?

If he's that neanderthal, you could probably get away with telling him that your vulva has changed during childbirth and you now need a good 20 mins of consitent, clit-focused oral to orgasm.

Artificial stimulation using vibrators etc can adversely affect your sexual response and make it so that it becomes the only way you can orgasm.
That really is utter bollocks. There may be a temporary problem if you only orgasm in a particular way and do that repeatedly, but that is easily solved by adding a bit of variety.
I've been using vibrators since I was a teenager (30+ years ago). They very reliably deliver an orgasm, but I can still get there with my fingers.

OP, this is going to come down to communication and a willingness to drop some of those inhibitions. You can't expect your DH to suddenly take charge - he doesn't know how to. Experiment and talk to each other - have fun in the process - the orgasms will happen in time.