Porn

[raspberrylimes]

My DH and I have been married for 4 years but together in total for 10. Sex has always been occasional and I’ve always wanted it more than him. Usually we have sex maybe once every 2-3 months. It will increase if we are on holiday or somewhere a bit different I guess.

A while back I was very upset by this and asked him to visit the doctor which he eventually did reluctantly. They said he was fine.

I guess I just accepted that we wouldn’t have much sex and that he didn’t want it and it was normal for him and as I loved him I decided it was something I’d just put up with. It makes me feel rejected and unsexy but I decided it wasn’t about me. He just didn’t need it as much.

But recently I’ve found out he’s been watching porn and masturbating pretty much daily. When I first found out he said that he was just bored and didn’t fancy sex. But it’s gone on like this for months and I think of course he’s not in the mood for sex because he’s masturbating so much! He says they are different things to him. He views sex quite negatively. But this has brought back all my feelings of being unsexy and unwanted.

I know he has a particular fetish which he enjoys porn for. Which due to the nature of the fetish I can’t be involved in and also means he doesn’t want me watching the videos with him.

I’m starting to feel really rejected and question our relationship. Is this normal? How do you know when porn is actually getting in the way of your sex life? He says it definitely isn’t due to the porn.

I wouldn't be ok with this at all. Not because i have a massive issue with porn, but because he would be choosing it over me. My OH masturbates when we are apart for more than a few days, but other than that he doesn't do it and we have a great sex life.
You don't have to say what his fetish is but is it something you are comfortable with him enjoying?
It sounds like he could be addicted to porn and it's making him find real sex a chore

He likes voyeurism so says he needs to watch alone or it doesn’t do it for him.

Porn is fine as long as both of you are honest and upfront about it (in my opinion anyway - others I'm sure would disagree). He hasn't been though and I'm not surprised you feel rejected as I would certainly feel the same in your position. It's one thing to think that your DP has a lower sex drive than you; quite another to realise that actually they just prefer sex that doesn't involve you. He may say it isn't due to the porn and that may be true - he may be equally disinterested in you even if he wasn't watching it (though I doubt it tbh), but this is obviously a problem for you and therefore for your relationship.

Sexual compatability isn't a pre-requisite for a happy marriage - many people have managed to work around this if the relationship is otherwise strong - but it may be for you. I don't know as only you can say, but the fact you are posting here suggests that it is important to you. Ask yourself, if he doesn't change, do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?

You could engage with this fetish if you wanted to and were confident/comfortable enough to. Him watching you from somewhere discreet etc?

I wonder if he has become stressed and depressed? This can often lead to men going into their cave, withdrawing from that which is around them. Outwardly they maintain relationships and work at a functional level but inwardly they feel sad.

I wonder how proactive you are? I think very few men, faced with a woman who ..err...desires him, would fail to respond. Perhaps you could be a little more teasy ?

I'm a very open minded person, but I'd be slightly concerned by the nature of the voyuerism.

I get that it's a lone thing but what's the content and mindset?

For example there are a lot (a lot) of sites and videos of hidden cameras in toilets and women's changing rooms. Guys getting off on innocent women of all ages going to the bathroom with a camera hidden under the seat. And derogatory comments about them in their most personal moments.

That kind of thing to me is completely unacceptable and if I found out my partner was engaging in this viewing I'd feel quite ill.

I must say I've never heard of these such sites you mention @lemonpledge. Clearly not as common place as you suggest on the "basic" web.

It may be a strange thing to say here - but I don’t think the core issue is porn her, despite it looking this way.

The main issue you have is sexual compatibility. It seems that his main thing, main turn on is voyerism. And regular sex just doesn’t do it for him.
He probably needs to psych himself up to perform those few times that you do get to do it.

I know it’s hard to hear and you feel rejected - but, really, in this case - it has nothing to do with you. Absolutely nothing. For whatever reason (nature or nurture) he is wired this way.

You don’t have many options here.
You could try to ‘work’ with it - and figure out games that would get him excited - yes - like him ‘looking on’ in you as you play with yourself, or something....
(But given that over the years none of you tried something like this - it’s posaibly too late for that)

You can accept things as they are. And from his point of view - after 10years together - you pretty much have.

You can open up your marriage to see other people.

Or you can leave.

Sorry, no magic solution here. His wiring is unlikely to change.

@BoobleMcB on every basic free porn site searched on the “basic web” - such as Youporn, XHamster, Pornhub etc there is a section entitled “Voyeurism”

Under this you will see hundreds of videos of this nature. Changing rooms, toilets, And also advertising for specialist links in the videos.

There is nothing wrong with masturbation or watching porn per se. But you are totally right to feel rejected if he is choosing porn over over real life sex with you. The sexual side to a relationship is a real important side to the bond you have. Therefore sexual rejection is hugely damaging to a relationship. The danger with porn that offers a fantisy that is not fulfilled otherwise is it can becomes addictive. So much so they user rejects real like sex over getting pleasure from this stimulation. Also can have an effect on real life sexual performance.

I'm so sorry for you. This is not your fault in any way and is your DH's problem. Sometimes sexual comparability in a relationship can be a problem. Having said that I am pretty well let's say kinky and open minded. I have been in relationships that have pushed the bounderies and some very vanilla. What has always been important is the intensity, connection and bond with a sexual partner, not the kink or lack there of. Connection is king and trumps everthing in the bedroom. Some of the hottest sex I have had has been vanilla because there was the foundation of connection and strong feelings. Your DH needs to get over this addiction and realise what is truly important in life. He needs to remember that you are real, your love is real (hopefully) and that sex with the one who makes you feel amazing is always amazing (even if not fulfilling a kink). The internet is not real life. It won't hold him, kiss him, love him and be there for him. It's just a fanisty (which may be fine in moderation). You however are real, your relationship is real. If he can't work out his priorities in life then I feel very sad for him and you (by side effect). Just remember it's not your fault and it's him who has the problem.

My exh rejected me for porn. He lied about it just said my sex drive was too high and I was too demanding...
I ended up divorcing him.
My self esteem has hit rock bottom and I have no confidence in my attractiveness anymore

How very sad!