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Uncontrollably sexually jealous

16 replies

PhelanGood · 24/10/2017 16:04

Desperately need advice. My partner is into boots. He always has been. I on the other hand never wanted to be with a man with a fetish at all. But I fell for him before I knew this. Anyway he always maintained that since he met me it was only me wearing them that did it for him, but then one day in a rare moment of honesty he admitted it affects him/gives him a rush looking at other women in them too, in the street, at work or even relatives (he quickly took this back when he saw how much it upset me and now flat our denies it. But I know it's true. )

It creeps me out that when we go anywhere I catch him looking. I've started to dread rainy days, it's not just confined to sexy boots, it's any boots. He always notices what boots anyone is wearing at any occasion but can barely ever remember anything else about their or even my outfit. He remembers even months later what boots his sister in law wore to a bbq.

I GO OUT OF MY WAY to satisfy his fetish (would rather not go into detail but I've spent thousands and many hours of my life pandering to it). It hurts me deeply that this clearly isn't enough.

He says he loves me and is devoted and his actions prove this. But I'm madly jealous to the point now even when I see other women in boots I feel physically sick or like crying.

I'm extremely sexually open minded it's just an insecurity thing i know. But most guys like naked women, but they ain't gonna see them down the park iykwim.

I'm at a point I really want to break up with him over this but he won't let me and says I don't need to worry. I hate the servile aspect of his fetish and it actually turns me off a bit too making me see him as a beta male, or weak, and makes me even more insecure that he would be weak enough to fall for or obsess over, or worse, another woman if she was in the right footwear.

Please don't judge me or call me a prude here I just want to know how to try and get over my anxiety as it's at a point I dread all events I'm going to attend with him. Thanks so much for honest perspectives.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 24/10/2017 16:07

There's nothing wrong with a fetish, UNLESS it impacts negatively on either partner. This has tipped over from reasonable to completely unreasonable if it's upsetting you so much.

Cynara · 24/10/2017 16:10

The bit I can't get past is "I want to break up with him but he won't let me"
Not his choice to make, there's no "letting" about it. If you want to go, you go.

BlueKarou · 24/10/2017 16:10

There're a lot of things wrong with what you're saying, but the biggest red flag is this;

I really want to break up with him over this but he won't let me

Do not compromise yourself for this man. Stop spending your time and money catering to his objectification. Find someone who doesn't leave you feeling sick/crying.

Hannalau · 24/10/2017 16:10

Yes I agree Pragmaticwench but does it make a difference if it's tipped that way because I'm just a naturally insecure person with no self esteem? How do any women with guys with any fetish deal with it? I want him to be turned on by me. Not my boots. I am a curvy hourglass girl and that separates me from others but this fetish - anyone could satisfy it which triggers me even more...

Hannalau · 24/10/2017 16:11

Cynara and Blue - that was just a throwaway comment but yes, I see your point. The problem is I'm carrying his baby and feel utterly trapped

QuiteLikely5 · 24/10/2017 16:13

You should seek therapy to deal with your own issues.

Seriously all guys admire things that appeal to them be it boots/boobs or gorgeous looks

They just don’t tell us but it’s common sense really

Hannalau · 24/10/2017 16:15

Quite likely - yes I definitely need therapy big time. It is very complex case though - I did try therapy but the counsellors never seem to understand intense sexual jealousy and focus on my fears such as abandonment or whatever, but my fear isn't that he will leave me or even cheat, it's that he will fantasise without me knowing. Which all men do don't they? It's natural.

Hannalau · 24/10/2017 16:17

Sorry I accidentally name changed- I'm also Phelangood. I have another thread about how he will not leave my house! Didn't want this fact to get in the way!

BlueKarou · 24/10/2017 16:30

He won't leave your house? Sounds a charmer(!)

Hannalau · 24/10/2017 16:38

Yes - I thought I could skirt around that issue by trying to get rid of the reason I want him to leave :(

Cynara · 24/10/2017 16:41

It sounds as though there's a lot more going on in your relationship than just the boots issue. Would it help to tell us about him not leaving the house or would you prefer not to go into that?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/10/2017 16:46

But most guys like naked women, but they ain't gonna see them down the park iykwim.

You’re simplifying this massively - the vast majority of people have a trait that they notice and find attractive. It could be redheads, or tall women, or hips. All of those can be seen in the park, too. Your anxiety could be just as bad with the next person.

Working on that will be hard, admittedly, and it’ll take a lot of effort - but you need to do it so that you’re able to be happy.

That might be a side issue in this relationship though, because you sound miserable. Do you want to be with him? If you don’t, move on.

Hannalau · 24/10/2017 16:56

Cynara - I don't know if it would really help - I got some amazing advice about thae house thing yesterday on here. It really is just that the fetish and his lies (to protect me) making me emotionally drained. He's a nice man, amazing with the kids and hasn't done anything wrong.

Anchor down - that is brilliant advice and the kind of sense I really need slapped into me. Thank you! He also did use to fantasise about massively tall women, I'm 5 foot three so that's another source of worry! In every relationship I've had there's always something which is what makes me think the issue is with me.

The thing I can't get over is that he would look at another woman who is innocently wearing boots and imagine they are doing stuff to him with them. It wasn't -/isn't just a passing appreciation it was an intense sexual obsession. Like once he confided in me that his college tutor was once wearing them (ten years ago) and he had to go into the bathroom to relieve himself thinking about her doing stuff to him in them..? He is no longer a horny teenager thankfully but I still worry this kind of thing could happen. If it does it's hurting nobody right, so why am I so bothered???

Josuk · 27/10/2017 22:54

OP - I think a few things might have combined here to make this all harder for all involved.

You are clearly quite insecure about yourself. Sexually and otherwise. Only therapy can get to the roots of that - and once you get there - you might get stronger and learn to deal with your jealousy.
(Even if you leave him - you’ll find something to feel insecure and be jealous about the next partner)

You are also pregnant - so hormones must not be helping. And, in addition, your changing body must amplify your jealousy & unhappiness.

He - he seems quite highly sexed. Not his fault - he doesn’t choose to notice all those boots.

However - and you’ve given us no indication otherwise - he doesn’t seem to act on this impulse. He is with you and not sneaking behind, chasing lots of women in boots.

We all - men, women - notice other gender. And the fact that they are clothed makes no difference - people are quite capable fantasising about clothes being off.
It’s fine and it’s healthy. It doesn’t make people into cheaters.

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 28/10/2017 11:04

OP Did you have another thread about how your partner had a sick fetish that was completely illegal and banned from FetLife? If so, you keep name changing and trying to post about 'just one issue' you have with him when the issue is he's a creepy fuck and you need serious counselling to get over why you would be in a relationship with someone like him.

Break up with him. Get counselling as a matter of urgency.

Sorry to be blunt but seriously lady, this is not healthy.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 29/10/2017 22:45

I on the other hand never wanted to be with a man with a fetish at all.

Well then you'd probably spend your entire life alone, because pretty much everyone has a fetish. They range from the tame (what you'd probably not even think of as a fetish) to the extreme.

And it's not just men, it's women too.

It would be odd if you came across someone who didn't have one.

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