H fed up with lack of sex

[Falconhoof1]

H asked for a talk the other night about our sex life. It's not great atm and I am avoiding it a bit. I just don't feel like it. When we do have sex every few weeks he also says it's boring. We have to keep quiet because of kids so it's a bit restrained but i thought it was fine (I'm not that into sex so I suppose I'm coming from a different viewpoint).

His solution is that I wear a sexy night dress and give him the come on for an early night. Frankly I can't be arsed. There was other discussion about his lack of housework (from me), me needing to see GP because of my low libido (from him- thinks I'm depressed). But it basically sounds like he wants me to make a big effort with the sexy clothes etc. and I can't imagine doing that.

Even if he makes more of an effort around the house and with the kids in sort of thinking it's not going to happen and that the 'boring" sex is all I can manage. And I don't even feel like doing that if it's so dull for him. I kind of wish he'd just leave me but he says he won't and wants to work at it.

Don't know what I'm asking - I suppose it's is he expecting too much or am I just horrible?

HE is horrible. Surely if he want you to feel like sex then he needs the make himself sexier. Not the other way round.

I think he thinks he's already pretty sexy! Tbh he's on good shape but he doesn't seem to understand there's more to sexy than staying buff. He really thinks he's good gift and been a great husband. He really hasn't.

God's gift

Yep, sexy is being an fair partner in House Work, parenting and emotional labour. Being a considerate thoughtful human being who sees others needs and attends to them as well as his own. Nowt to do with what you look like.

He could try putting on sexy clothes doing the dusting, bathrooms, washing up and kitchen floor. Then when he has the laundry on, maybe you will be more in the mood and the sound of the washing machine will mask any others. Not a perfect plan, but better than his.

Thanks for replies and Mrs pestilence .

He's tried to open a dialogue about something which is a problem to him. He is way off in his ideas, clearly and your attitude is simply that you can't be arsed and wish he would leave you??

Best start getting your ducks in a row its pretty obvious where this is heading.

The most important sexual organ is between your ears, not between your legs.

If you both had a loving, trusting, mutually supportive relationship your desire for sex may improve.
Feeling like sex just being another chore, another service to be provided by you, is the biggest turn off.

I know, my H is just leaving me because somebody else is providing him with the sex he was not getting at home - 'tis true. I did not fancy sleeping with somebody who barely made eye contact with me, did not speak to me and clearly did not want to be in my company.
Sigh.
It's crap, but probably the right thing for me - he, I think, is making a mistake. He is likely to be miserable in another relationship also, once the shine has worn off.

I think at least he spoke to you about it, but also probably hasn’t helped or provided a mutually beneficial way to solve it!

You are obviously suffering in some aspect, wether depressed or not you maybe aren’t yourself and it’s a little insulting that all he cares about is the sex aspect.

I gather you don’t feel very happy with him anyway so the problems run much deeper. Maybe have a think
About what it is you want in life in general and let him ponder his fantasies a little longer. Don’t feel pressured to do anything, he will survive! X

Don’t worry you’re not on your own. My h doesn’t help with housework we haven’t had sex it’s coming to a year now. Am resentful all the time and am not depressed.really can’t be arsed

I think this is quite a common problem. But people don't like talking about it. You either get told to lay back and think of England or told that unless you do he will leave you

Sounds like there are a lot of different aspects in the relationship that need to be worked on.
-Are you attracted to your Husband? It seems an unusual response to tell him to leave you when he is trying to communicate and work on your marriage.
-Have you visited your GP about your lack of libido/possible depression or other medical condition?
-How did your Husband respond to your side of the discussion.
Neither of you are in the wrong but things can't go on the way they are. Something needs to change.

Best advice ever is that men need sex to feel loved but women need to feel loved to have sex. We view it differently tell him to make you feel loved by whatever it is you want. More time to yourself flowers chocs compliments taking you out. There must be something and in return you’ll try to make more of an effort to be interested a sexy nightie or undies isn’t the end of the world. Relationships are about compromise and it doesn’t sound like your prepared too...sorry

How do you compromise with sex? If you don't want to. Then you don't want to. I have personal experience with "compromising" and everytime you do it eats away at your soul. It definitely doesn't improve how you feel about sex.

Thanks again for your replies. I know he started the conversation because he wants out marriage to work. He's started making small changes so the least I can do is follow suit. It's just that we've been here before, and his changes never last. I suppose I should also be grateful that he still finds me attractive. I don't find me attractive and I suppose that's a lot of the problem. I also think though, that he knows he's in a relationship where he can sit back and relax-i take care of everything, even making sure finances are in order. I'm reliable, and work hard to keep things in the household going. He honestly is so lazy. He's got it very, very easy and he still wants exciting sex. I think (in fact I know, he mentioned this in the talk) he's got this immature view that everyone else is at it like bunnies and he's the only one with a crap wife.

The difficult thing with viewing sex as a chore, is that there are always other chores that need doing too- and they tend to be easier..

I blame the media myself, for setting unreasonable expectations in everyone's minds.

You don't need to be grateful or feel that you are a crap wife.

Thanks chocolate ,and everyone else.

Sorry to hear that chocolate to me compromise is something you want to do to keep someone else happy as you love them. Not something you don’t want to do.
The OP suggested she just couldn’t be arsed so my comment was more lighthearted in that respect.
OP compromise goes both ways if he’s lazy he needs to pull his weight if your carrying all the load you’ll feel weighed down.

I think if there are kids its worth a try on both sides and if you want it to work. Good luck

How long have you been married? I'm trying to reinvent my own sex life with DH because it's become so vanilla and boring. It must be normal for so many couples.

If you think that there is genuinely nothing he can do to change your feelings (or lack of them) towards him then you owe it to him, and yourself, to be honest and tell him.

It may be that he decides that there are more important things than sex but it’s also more than possible that this is a deal breaker for him - it is for many, judging by posts here and on the relationships board. I think you have to face up to the possibility that you may think a relationship with sex won’t work and he may think one without it won’t work either, at which point your only option is to go your separate ways.

We do n’t know what the division of labour in the op household is, so we can’t say her husband should do more housework. In any event sex should nt be used as a bargaining tool.

Being moaned at for sex is the biggest turn off also.