Problems with new man - just cant get there

[NightsOfCabiria]

Looking for advice on situation with new man.

Both in our 40s, met two years ago. We lived hundreds of miles apart though so difficult to see one another. Slept together twice then but although I liked him & the sex was good, I didnt stay in touch as I put weight on and didnt feel good about myself. Got in touch again a few months ago and been seeing each other 3 times a month. I really like him but the sex leaves a lot to be desired & I'm wondering what to do.

I just cant orgasm with him. Ive tried everything. Him grinding, me grinding, him going down on me (bloody painful due to stubbly face even when freshly shaved), bullet, me using my hands, him using his hands, combinations of all the above. Nothing. I can get there in 5 minutes or so when I'm on my own so everything's working but I just cant get close with him. Ive tried alcohol, candle light, music, lube - everything.

Problem is, he's starting to get down about it and frustrated. He's asked me what he can do but Ive said I dont know.

I had another casual relationship last year and the same thing happened with him too. I just cant seem to get excited enough even though both current man & last man are really great, kind, fit, good looking etc.. My last two boyfriends were truly amazing in bed and Im wondering if that's clouding things as I was in love with both but ended things due to them both being lazy/unemployed.

I'm also wondering if I need the emotional connection as that's missing with current man (& was with last man too but more on his part than mine) so not much kissing, caressing, emotion, etc. Current man is keen though & has taken me on holiday & wants to spend xmas with me & I really do like him.

It's getting to the stage where I'm dreading meeting up though and trying and failing to have an orgasm.

God that was long. Sorry.

bumping for the morning crew.

I think you are both too anxious about it. Try to just relax and enjoy it. Sometimes the more you are desperate to get there, the more your body just won't oblige! Easier said than done but just try to forget about the end result for now and focus on enjoying each other. Hopefully it will come (excuse the pun) in time.

Thanks Too that’s what he always says - “just relax” but like you say, it’s easier said than done. I just feel so nervous around him. Not like myself at all. Normally I dont care but with him I do. I suppose time and familiarity might help.

It happens to me when I'm lacking the connection and trust to let myself go. There's no easy answer. You mentioned body issues, are you comfortable in your own skin? Sometimes it might be easier to just do it in a complete blacked out room. No visuals to interrupt, just the feeling of your skin on each other.

Get him to do exactly what you do to yourself when masturbating. Show him how you like it, tell him when it feels good, make encouraging noises etc.. works for me

I think you need to relax a bit about it. It's not the be all right now if he can't do it. Maybe when you have a bit more intimacy or trust then it will come. Always true the more you want it the slower it comes 😂