I never want sex

[JJRJ1002]

Since the birth of my DD 3 years ago I have totally lost my libido. I never want to have sex. If I could never have sex again I would be quite happy. But as you could imagine it is becoming quite difficult on my DH and I'm scared it is going to ruin our relationship.
He never pressurises me but I feel it's becoming an elephant in the room. He sometimes says he misses that side of me and I feel I have no answer for him because I don't miss it at all (even though before having our DD our sex life was good)
Sometimes if he tries to touch me sexually while we cuddle on the sofa it irritates me and I stop him. Which I know must be really rather frustrating for him.
I went to the GP and came off the pill for a few months to see if that was causing the loss of libido but it made no difference. I have tried masturbating to see if that would help but it didn't.

Another problem is that Sex can be quite painful as he is 10 stone heavier than me, when he's on top I sometimes have to say to stop putting his weight on me and if I'm on top it hurts because I have a wide area to straddle.
Another thing that isn't helping is that he's been sleeping on the sofa for over a year now because his snoring is so bad that he keeps me awake all night, so we don't even sleep together.

I feel he must be feeling quite dismissed and sexually frustrated and probably not desired. But I just can't seem to summon the energy up to make an effort to have sex because I hate the thought of it let alone actually doing it.
That sounds so bad and I feel so bad about it.

I don't know how to get my libido back, I'm scared it's going to be the death of our otherwise good relationship

I'm the same. We haven't had a sex life since I became pregnant with my daughter who is now 13. I have been taking Prozac for most of that time and have a phobia of pregnancy so my libido is very messed up. DH is wonderful and understanding and patient and I think if he was going to go elsewhere he would have done it by now. I tried to initiate some intimacy on holiday this summer and it was very lovely but our home life habits have yet to change. I think as the chances of pregnancy recede I may wake up again....

I am sure your Drs could help, maybe by referring you to a specialist,
Regarding getting pregnant, there are ways and means to prevent pregnancy
It sounds as if you both have very understanding partners
Get help before your relationship suffers
Prozac and most antidepressants dampen your libido.
Maybe try to get off them gradually

You sound like me. In fact me and my dh have just had the same argument. I had ds nearly 4 years ago and think we have had sex less than 10 times since. I have totally lost my libido. A combination between feeling exhausted, disgusted at my own body and resentful of how I'm here to serve everyone but myself has contributed and it is destroying my marriage. Dh is angry and hurt at my lack of affection towards him and I don't know how to make it better. Sex has never been the be all and end all to me but I used to enjoy it and now I guess I just think of all the other things I could be doing. I love my dh and I want our marriage to work but I just don't know how to sort this

Could it be that your dh being so overweight is a turn off to you? The snoring etc is all related to that. Can't you try and encourage him to lose weight as that might help with your libido too?

Agree with rustycage it sounds like you are physically turned off by your OH.
Have you talked about your sex drive with him?
If you have no close day to day intimacy and OH isn’t even sleeping next to you then perhaps start walking before you can run. I understand no sleep due to OH’s snoring will not help matters either but it sounds like sleep apnea due to his weight.
Has he always been this overweight or is this something that has crept up over the years?
Not just for your sex life and relationship but for your OH’s long term health I would suggest tackling this first.

It sounds like the first thing to address is your partner's weight. I lost a gf directly because I put on (a lot) of weight while we were together and started to snore badly (with sleep apnea) and she stopped fancying me.

She framed it negatively "Go and see a doctor about your snoring and weight because I don't fancy you any more". That worked for me, but I'm sure you know your partner and could frame it in a way that would work for him.

You have both a responsibility to the marriage. Neither of you can stand back and allow these issues to destroy the relationship. From what you said he needs to take more of himself and loose weight and you need to open the communication lines with him.
All of the above is tough.
It’s not perfect.
It’s your life and his.
Both of you need to put in the effort

I have felt like that in the past but recovered & now sex is great. It took a while but weekends away from kids with nice wine & nice clothes helped us both feel like lovers again, not just exhausted parents.

Dh & i both had to make an effort but it can be done.

My DH is too heavy to go on top OP so he goes behind. It's great. He can also use his hands!

Re: the snoring - In our case it's related to
alcohol - talk to your DH about cutting down (if he drinks?) it makes a HUGE difference to the noise level. Also foam earplugs are great!

And agree with what other posters said about a weekend away somewhere just the 2 of you.

Good luck 💐

I have tried to encourage him to loose weight (I could never say it in a cruel or blunt way!) but he always says he doesn't care about his weight and doesn't care what people think of him.
He always been on the big side but has put on 4 stone since meeting.

His snoring is nothing to do with alcohol because he doesn't drink.

I don't want it to sound like I'm 'blaming' him because I do know that I also need to look at myself- I need to make an effort to put things right. We do cuddle and hold hands and show affection. I just seem to hate anything sexual now. It also feels wrong to force myself to do something I don't want to do and don't enjoy- I feel that's wrong to him as well as me?

Don't force yourself!

You don't need to be unkind.
Can you phrase it like, you miss him & want to get things back on track between the two of you but he needs to stop snoring - then ask him to speak to the doctor about that? The doc will tell him to lose weight - (sometimes my DH responds better to suggestions from other people)

I came on this board to ask for advice about exactly the same thing..
Since having my 1st baby two and a half years ago, my libido just died. We had sex a few times in a year or so but it was such a chore and I didn't enjoy it that much. Fell pregnant on one of these rare occasions and now my 2nd is 7 months I just cannot face sex.
Psychologically (and not consciously) I just feel like my body is for producing babies and not fun/dirty stuff!!! It feels wrong in a weird way. I don't feel remotely sexy, but I don't mean that in a vain way.
I explained this to OH who said he understands but we are both rubbish at talking about problems/feelings so just feel it's going to get ignored (my guess is he isn't going to initiate sex after last time, when I said no and told him how I felt) so it will be left to me. And I quite happily could go without.
Sorry, I've sort of jumped on your thread a bit and don't have advice. It helps to know you're not alone though a little bit.

I have literally just had that conversation with him when we had a hug goodnight. I said I missed him, missed him being in our bed and he said he did too so I mentioned the weight again in a nice way and he said he knows that loosing weight would help but that he doesn't want to have to eat rabbit food all his life !
What can I do? He has no desire to change his weight.

@Jojo13 What you posted sounds just like me/us. Since having my DD I feel the same about my body and how i feel it's not for fun/dirty stuff even though I used to enjoy that before. We too are bad at communicating about these things, we have had a chat but I feel it's more brushed under the carpet then really dealt with and it's just lingering around.
I'm that bad about sex now that if I'm watching something on tv and a sex scene comes on I fast forward it (if I can) ! How pathetic is that. I seriously don't know what's happened to me!

Had ALOT of resistance to the weight change suggestion with my DH. And to be honest it's still very much a work in progress.

It's so hard to make changes. But I suppose it's about convincing your DH that the rewards are worth it.

My DH has got on a health kick recently because of a combination of factors:

Another Dad told him how he'd been loosing weight & this helped him decide to do it.

Also my neighbour & her DH both do the 2:5 diet in a kind of competitive way.

A couple of close friends have had cancer and this has really hit home that we're not getting any younger! We have been talking about wanting to be healthy enough to enjoy life and travel the world when the kids leave home.

I have stopped drinking in the week with DH as also need to loose some weight.

And I persuaded him to check his BMI. Which meant he had to actually weigh himself which was a big shock to him!

He's also started cycling to work - can you suggest your DH does more exercise to begin with? Then he might feel better and want to eat more healthily?

I also find that if I exercise then my libido increases. Oh and I often take Macca powder to help balance my hormones.

Hope some of the above suggestions might help you too OP

This is me at the moment, and pretty much ever since DS was born tbh. Doctors reckon its not an issue. I just never seem to want it. I don't think it helps that I am terrified of pregnancy. The few times we have had sex, I am on the implant and I have asked him to wear a condom, and I have still been terrified that they would not work. Apparently I am too young to decide on my own fertility too...as I want sterilized but docs reckon I might change my mind. So yeah. not much use to you, but you are definitely not alone. I don't know the answer, wish I did.

I can relate to a lot of things said on here. DH and I currently have sex about twice a month, and even for that I have to really make an effort to remember to do it! I'd happily go for longer without, it just never seems to be at the top of my list of priorities even though I mostly do enjoy it when we do it.

DH never pressures me, but I know he probably would like it at least once a week.

I'm not sure why I've gone off it so much, though I suspect it's because we just don't get to go out and do enough stuff as a couple anymore as we have two DDs and no family to help out regularly. We've recently found a babysitter though, so I might suggest we go out on a 'date night' once a month to see if that makes a difference.