Rediscovering my sexual identity

[changednamebutneedadvice]

NC'ed. Am a few months into a divorce process. This came as a shock to me at the time but in hindsight things weren't right for years. Specifically, our sex life was almost non-existent towards the end. My ex is quite narcissistic and I never felt that interesting to him. In fact I know he's only interested in himself. This combined with having 2 DCs has left me feeling pretty frumpy and lacklustre even though I've got a decent physique.

I'm having a cursory look into OLD and it's stirring up feelings I've not felt in many years. But how the heck do I recapture what I've lost? I used to love sex (I remember shouting that out once part way through ) but I'm so nervous about dating.. well I'm not ready yet... but I want to be. Last time I dated I was 23 now I'm a 40 year old mum of two... not really sure who I am anymore...

Any similar experiences or bright ideas much appreciated x

I have some similarities with your situation. What I would say is you have potential for a lot of fun with dating, and lots of those giddy start-of-relationship feelings to enjoy, so go for it, but try to manage your expectations. I'm recently separated because my husband essentially lost interest, and it wasn't until I kissed someone else that I was able to reflect how bad it had got and how unfulfilled I was. I've thrown myself into OLD now, and it's fun but the issue is with all the "in love" feelings I have from rushing headlong into a new relationship is that all the painful fear of rejection has come with it. So basically I need to work on that myself, deal with the problems left over from marriage, and not project that onto new guy.

So be honest with yourself about unresolved issues, try to take it slowly.

40 is not old at all, I'm 43 and have plenty of interest from guys my age or even a bit younger. Play your strengths, you don't need to compete with the younger girls.

If you're anything like me your hormones will kick in and you'll rediscover your libido with bells on. Enjoy that! But be careful, that can lead to poor decisions, so try to recognise it for what it is and hopefully find someone you can safely and comfortably explore that with

Hi Haribo, thanks for your message. Great to hear you're having fun and that there's life after separation (sorry you're going through that by the way). You're right the fear of rejection is very real. It's why I don't feel ready yet having been majorly rejected and I do need to take some time to work on my unresolved issues. But I kind of need to have some sort of dating experience to move forward and prove to myself that I've still got it. I've also felt unfulfilled for years so some hot sex wouldn't go amiss but I'm just so nervous at the moment and like you say, scared of making a bad decision.

Body confidence is an issue too...

I think most men would just be delighted a woman got naked with him.

Seriously. We put so much pressure on ourselves. We're amazing, us women.

My story is similar to yours. I was in a loveless, sexless marriage with a narcissist who destroyed 95% of who I was. Many children later my body is a 'mum-bod'. I am older than you.

I went on a date with someone I met through OLD. We went to a hotel on our second date. Had the most mind-blowing sex with a man who appeared to be completely wonderful.

Years later he is still wonderful and the sex is still amazing.

My advice is to put some time and effort into yourself. Work out what makes you feel good, and take it from there. It doesn't matter if it's casual sex or a long term relationship, how you feel is the most important thing.

Hi Foxy, thanks for your reply. And AWESOME story , glad that you moved on so spectacularly from your narcissistic ex. Gives me hope. As you say, I do just want to feel happy about it all, whether it's casual or ends up being something more. Need to get over my nervousness though I guess that will happen with the right person x