Lost my sexual self

[Blues123]

I am feeling so down about myself, I feel like I have lost my sexual self and I miss it and can't believe still have an entire life to live.
My DH and I have been together 5yrs, one daughter who is one. I'm 27, he's 34. We used to have a good sexlife but I have always struggled with letting go enough to orgasm. Every few months I'd have one maybe.

We have been having less and less sex since DD, when we do I never get off. Sometimes I pretend I do just so it can be over. I am so embarrassed at how long it takes me to orgasm that I lose it and then cant get it again, or I am just too stressed about taking so long. The other night I was almost there and so happy (haven't had an orgasm in a year at least) but then my husband just came, said he tried but couldnt wait longer. I was crushed.

I just don't care anymore, the thought of my sexual self now disgusts me. I miss the old me, confident and relaxed. I'm so worried now that I can't relax enough to enjoy it.
Could it be my pill, I'm on the mini pill. Has anyone ever come out of something like this? I love my husband and I'd never leave him, I just can't believe this is my life. I dont know how to change it. All other aspects of our relationship and life are good, though recently I have become the sole breadwinner so that has been a bit of a mindful.

Can he not sort you out first with an orgasm so the pressure is off for a vaginal one?

I dont know how to pace him. I have only had an orgasm while on top and sometimes he will just come before me, I never make a deal out of it. Oral and fingers hasnt gotten me there...

Do you masturbate? (Sorry) sort of learn how to make yourself orgasm via the clit?

I've never been able to get there during sex so the other way has to do. Me first then him.

Toys? That womaniser is the dogs bollocks. Does all the work.

I think you need to be honest with him. Don't fake orgasms, or he'll assume everything is perfectly fine.
I would recommend a decent vibrator too. Since I got mine, I've become more orgasmic during sex. And we don't even use it during! I think it's made me more confident to ask for what I need.

I also say it's time to get a toy! This is NOTHING to make yourself feel bad or "disgusted" about. You deserve a fulfilling sex life with your husband and I really think you can get it back quite easily. Sex drive ebbs and flows and of course babies, birth control and many other things affect it. Sometimes you need to change things up a wee bit and it sounds like now is the time for you to add something new.

Go into Ann Summers and buy one of the small pocket vibrators. I recommend this type because it is a bit less daunting for the average male to be faced with than a big vibrating plastic willy! Have a play with it yourself and figure out what makes you feel good.

Then explain to your husband you love him, you want to have great sex with him but that for some reason right now, probably children, work or the pill (I.e. NOT how you feel about him or related to his "prowess") you need something a bit different. Introduce the toy and do all the usual stuff you guys do, but use this to help with clitoral stimulation. You may find that using a toy helps you understand your orgasm a bit better and that you can then achieve it more easily in the future, maybe even without the toy.

For some ideas, if you are new to it, i love to use a toy during doggy or for my partner to use it on my clit while I'm on top. It leaves his other hand free to stroke my body, boobs, whatever. Also spooning or any position where the penetration might feel good, but I'm missing the clitoral stimulation. My experience with using toys with guys has always been good, I do think it's important to make your partner understand that it is the whole situation with him that turns you on and (hopefully) brings you to orgasm. Not just the toy.

Good luck OP! Don't just let this go, I am positive you can feel much better about your sexual self with just a few changes.

Emily Nagoski has, imo, the most helpful insights into why sexual desire rises and falls particularly in women- and what you csn do about it.
From the sound of it you have a sensitive brake. You struggle to let go and probably the added stress has your sexual brake turned fully on. Stepping on the gas is not the best way to solve a stuck brake - toys etc could all be stepping on gas and you nay get stuck in a bully wank cycle. You'll come but it wont be fun. In favt you might end up feeling more divorced from your secusl self. You need to work out how to losen your brake do you enjoy sex again. I highly recommend her book. www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00V58R0ZE/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

gamerchick yes I masturbate and can get myself off easily alone, it's just with him that I am self conscious and the hurrying up I've imposed on myself makes it near impossible,I can't relax enough.

PARunnerGirl, I have a vibrator and I like to use it but I don't know how to use it together. I'm nervous about bringing it into the bedroom, do I just appear with it? I don't want him to think he's not enough... DH has always liked adventurous sex and even bought me a vibrator. his recent non interest an my overanalysing of everything has made this into a right awkward mess. It's weird, I'm so concerned about him that my enjoyment doesn't even factor in.
Thanks for the encouragement, I hate feeling this way and thinking all thw time, about it when it should be something lovely

I'll definitely have a look at that book lasttimeround, I know it's more than just the physical for me and I have a huge mental block and it's consuming me. eh I hate this.

Hope things improve for you OP. Feel a bit like that myself atm - struggling to relax in bed which I know makes everything worse. Not the easiest thing to talk about either!

I once was advised that conversations about sex are best not started in the bedroom - I.e. Pick a time when you are both calm, not in a rush to go anywhere etc and then raise the conversation with him.
Tell him how you're feeling. If he's even remotely a good partner he will want to help.

Sex drive does ebb and flow, and both a baby and the pill could be factors. But you've a much better chance of solving this if you're both in it together so to speak.

Two final thoughts (sorry for rambling):
A couple of glasses of wine can be helpful in relaxing and letting go (can't always use this but may be worth a go),
The combined pull completely removed my sex drive. I joked that it was super effective:
I would never get pregnant if I never had sex! I don't know if the mini pill can do the same, but it doesn't seem beyond the bounds of possibility

Pill not pull! Stupid autocorrect