Getting back in the saddle....be gentle with me!

[diege]

So...new boyfriend after a very dry spell and while sex is amazing have been surprised by a few 'nuances' that would have had me clutching at my pearls back in the day...

1. Spanking (like very much, no problems there..)

1. Finger up bum...(reserving judgement).

This is where the issue lies. Is it a precursor to anal sex? Do I reciprocate? Is it now the norm? I'm very broad minded and will try everything once but as I've been out of the loop for so long curious as to what's what!

I dont know if its a precursor to anal sex but I would like to be asked before any of these things were dont to me.

The spanking was very tentative indeed (a light tap) but my response very positive, so happy with that.
Finger up bum, squirmed away and that's where we are really...Just spoken to a few friends who say it's pretty vanilla...NOT that fashions dictate what we do and of course I'm only going to consent to what I feel comfortable with. Just surprised I suppose that pretty much all but one of my friends sees it as very ordinary...

I'd agree with lovlies - I think you need to be asked and a decent guy would not just do this - it's pretty rude TBH as it might not be your bag.

Just my opinion on it. And yes I'd say he's likely to be after anal next if I had to guess.

Thank you - I hadn't thought of that at all really as I didn't feel in the least taken advantage of but, as you say, I suppose it wouldn't have done any harm to ask...

Hmmm reassuring! Not something I feel drawn to but never say never

I am 27 years old been with my partner 10 years. That area has been experimented once. NEVER EVER again. If thats vanilla then i am pretty boring but who cares haha xx

I have had the same experience fairly recently (new bf) and I said no thanks after trying it a couple of times. It just felt uncomfortable for me. I said I was happy to do it to him and he 100% declined.

He doesn't seem bothered now as we have fun in lots of other ways.

Insist on him scrupulously washing his hands after, you don't want a finger up the bum, a finger up the vag and a week's worth of chronic cystitis. Sexy huh?

I've had a few different partners over the years. Each has introduced slightly different things and positions etc. One was very into anal stimulation (on him not me) but while I was comfortable with a limited amount, as things progressed I found it a turn off. I carefully introduced it to my current partner as he'd never tried it and he likes it. Only gentle/minimal amount though. That works for us. Still a no go for me personally, as anal would be (never had a partner try this although I know several friends have). In terms of how things progress, it does sound like he is testing the waters so worth having a chat about what you both like / fantasies etc and agreeing what you're both happy to try. Sometimes things do develop naturally in the heat of the moment but you should both always be conscious of the other, check in if thinking about something new or stop if either is nit comfortable.

There's only one person who's opinion matters here & it's yours. i Was with my partner then wife, then ex wife, from 1995-2010 & after coming out of that relationship, noticed there had been a definite gear change, with what was seen as vanilla. I think it's all for the good but, only do what makes you happy

I think you need to be asked and a decent guy would not just do this

Well there are different ways to ask. Sometimes a couple may discuss, outside the bedroom, trying new things. Sometimes a partner may ask at the time "would you like me to ......?". A lot of the time though it's more subtle communication, isn't it. Making it clear you're moving towards a particular area, starting off gently on the periphery with very light touches and monitoring for signs either positive or negative that you can continue or should stop.

So OP, assuming he never explicitly asked, did he make clear his intent perhaps by gentle teasing and caressing around that area or did he just steam right in? If the former, that was your opportunity to move his hand away or tell him if you didn't want him to go there. If the latter then, at the very least, have a word with him about basic respect and bedroom etiquette and don't rule out the possibility that he is just not someone to trust intimately.

I know a lot of the taboos around anal have been reduced of late but that doesn't mean it is part of vanilla sex or something everyone should be up for. Anyone who doesn't get that has an unrealistic attitude towards sex and possibly gets too much of their inspiration from porn. As others have said, it is also something that must be approached responsibly as there are risks of damage and infection.

Everyone is different. I had an ex who insisted that I put a finger there during sex as it gave her a massive orgasm. My current partner is not that fussed.

It may be that the OP's partners previous girlfriends loved it, therefore he tried it with you thinking that you would also like it.

If your not keen, then simply tell him your not into it.

Thank you! All really useful, and lots of things to think about. He is very respectful and would be mortified if he thought it something that had made me uneasy/anxious (which it hasn't). Definitely the first approach herotherhalf and my question bourne from curiosity as opposed to repulsion or unease. Not something to discount just yet though as quite naughty (to me) in a good way, though not wanting to extend to anal sex!

Why the hell don't people talk to each other when they have sex?
Is this ok?
Can I do...?
I'd love to... what do you think?
Do you like...?
That is respectful!

You need to speak to him and tell him that you liked/didn't like the finger and you are/are not happy to do that again, but you want to make it clear that you have no interest in anal sex.

Every decent bloke I've been with, even a FWB has never spanked or gone near my arse without first discussing with me and then checking I wanted it at the actual time. I'd be really put out by someone exploring that side of things without first checking how I felt about it.

Thank you, all valid comments. Have had a good talk and both happy with the direction that things are going in so all good for now!