Advice

[v289]

I don't know what to do.

I married 6 months ago and we are happy but the sex has never been great if I am truly honest.

When I met my husband he had a problem where his foreskin wouldn't retract properly and caused a lot of pain. He was so sweet and said he wanted to make sure it didn't effect us so he was really brave and had a voluntary circumcision. The next problem was his confidence- he would often lose an erection during sex. He was very inexperienced when I met him at 26. I was 31 and had lots of experience. Once we worked on the confidence we just struggled to find a real groove.

He has great confidence now and although he doesn't seem to have a high sex drive he always orgasms when we have sex or oral. We are loving and talk about everything but I have also lost a bit of my libido due to recent depression. And if I am honest sex just doesn't feel great. I can't put my finger on why but it feels a bit uncomfortable and almost like my vagina feels numb when we are having sex, that's the only way I can describe it. I don't get much pleasure from it at all. We have mutual masturbation sessions that end in orgasms for both and we do lots of spicy stuff but I am scared that i am now spending the rest of my life as someone who has sex once every two weeks because either he doesn't initiate it until he's horny and for me I just don't get much from it.

I think it's more an issue of mine and I don't know how to fix it, but I find myself fantasising sometimes old sexual partners and experiences.

I am deeply in love with my husband and don't know what to do.

I am not actually sure what the problem with the quantity is... You have sex about once a fortnight and neither of you want more or less (other than because you think you ought to have it more) is the impression I get from what you've written - nothing wrong with that!

Quality - I do see the problem there. Would you consider speaking to your GP and/or a counsellor? Not that there's necessarily something "wrong" but it might be a physical issue (especially if you are on anti depressants?), it might be a mental block (caused by the depression or something else). If you've talked about it with your husband then the doctor would be my next step (scary as that sounds!) - especially if it used to be better...

Are you on antidepressants for the depression? They really affect sensitivity.

Agree that antidepressants numb you and kill the libido, but you dont sound like you've ever really fancied him in the sack, is that right?

I don't take antidepressants but I do take a beta blocker daily for anxiety which led to said depression and is great for my physical anxiety symptoms while working with CBT for the mental health part.

I will be honest...i fancy him to look at and I fancy him in our relationship (and I am so happy and can't imagine myself with anyone else of course that's why i got married) but something is not clicking despite constant effort on both parts in the bedroom...he seems happy but who knows, he probably thinks I am and I agree it could be a medical problem so I should probably get that ruled out...

You can find someone physically attractive but have no sexual chemistry, i don't believe there's any cure for that. I personally could never settle down with someone in those circumstances, it just seems forced.

I still don't understand the issue, if you're happy with PIV sex once a fortnight and so is he?

Things have never been great you say. You say he was 'sweet' for getting his cicumcision. Not exactly smoking hot endorsement of him. I'm with Brahms - sounds like a very longstanding lack of sexual chemistry? i don't know if you can fix that?

I'm a bit late to the party here but I think some of the comments are less than helpful, it's hard dealing with mental health issues and whilst your doing an amazing job of dealing with it, it's never a quick fix. I have the same issue and I'm also taking a beta blocker so from experience it sounds to me like your looking for something wrong because things are too good - too good makes us panic that things might go wrong! Speak to your councillor about these negative thoughts and keep the communication open with your husband. Good luck and I hope you kick the depressions butt!