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Original poster

He couldn't keep it up

22 replies

Bakingmad00 · 14/08/2017 15:37

Right so this has been plaguing me for ages. I slept with a guy I'd been dating for a while. It was a rebound so just come out of a 9 year relationship and it was meant to be casual no strings relationship. We got down to it and he was very complimentary on my body and seemed into it, got hard. We had a fondle but when it came to it he couldn't keep an erection so it was a total embarrassing disaster. I mean he said he was really tired as hed worked a night shift but when I asked him via message if that was the case he said it was because we weren't sexually compatible. So now I'm having a mental breakdown. During the foreplay he kept pointing out how shy I am. I mean yeah I was tense..maybe that put him right off? Or something to do with my body?! He said its a shame we aren't sexually compatible because I'm really 'nice'. FML

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 14/08/2017 15:42

Did he do anything to put you at ease? Why do you think it's your fault? He could have all sorts of issues. He doesn't sound very nice himself tbh! Just chalk it up to experience.

PaperdollCartoon · 14/08/2017 15:44

It sounds like he's embarrassed and is trying to shift the blame to something else, don't feel bad. It's very unlikely it was any reason other than a physical issue of his, likely nervousness. It's more common than you'd think.

Original poster
Bakingmad00 · 14/08/2017 15:45

Not really no I think he was expecting someone verybsexually confident. I think I rushed into a sexual relationship when I wasn't ready which caused the awkwardness. Which I wish I had explained at the time but a couple months have passed and we still exchange pleasantries but obviously the fling came to an end. If I had a feeling I wasn't sexually compatible with someone i would give it a chance not cut it off after 1 time so that's why I'm paranoid it's actually something to do with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Bakingmad00 · 14/08/2017 15:52

He seemed like a really confident fella aswell. R men embarrassed about that then? I want to message him and say something along the lines of the whole sexually incompatible thing is most likely because i was rushing into it too quickly. But I might come accross as desperate or something. I'm not after 're kindling the fling but I suppose for some assurance or just to get my thoughts off my chest and see what he says

OP posts:
Smeaton · 14/08/2017 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sabbath84 · 14/08/2017 16:01

I've had this problem a few times over the years, and can be attributed to various factors. Usually not one you can say for absolutely certain each incident. It is very embarrassing especially with society's view of a man/masculinity etc.
Because of this we can react badly to it happening. This is what he's done. It has nothing to do with you, and the compliments he was giving are a truer Indication. He's just embarrassed.

HerOtherHalf · 14/08/2017 16:07

It's not you it's him. There are a lot of reasons why our (yes I'm male) erections can fail us at the least appropriate moment. Performance anxiety or nerves is probably the most common if there are no underlying medical issues. It can be embarrassing for some, though it's just a bodily function so shouldn't be.

I have no idea what he thinks he means by "not sexually compatible". It sounds like total BS to me. Bottom line, he found you attractive enough to get into bed with so unless you have 3 fanjos I can't imagine what he would have found about you to turn him off.

Forget him and move on. If he had any decency about him he would have done everything to reassure you that his failure to keep an erection was nothing about you and nothing that you did.

Ropsleybunny · 14/08/2017 16:10

It's very common indeed for all sorts of reasons. Sadly many men feel ashamed so can't talk openly about it.

I'm guessing he's just very embarrassed.

AdalindSchade · 14/08/2017 16:16

Men with erection issues often pass 'blame' off on to the woman because they can't face the fact that their dick doesn't work properly. It's a mean shitty trick. I bet he knows perfectly well that he can't keep it up but rather than get advice on that blames the woman.

Ropsleybunny · 14/08/2017 16:20

Men with erection issues often pass 'blame' off on to the woman because they can't face the fact that their dick doesn't work properly. It's a mean shitty trick. I bet he knows perfectly well that he can't keep it up but rather than get advice on that blames the woman.

.... and that's why men are embarrassed

lookingforlove · 14/08/2017 16:22

OP I agree with HerOtherHalf, he's embarrassed and passing that onto you, sexual compatibility is a BS excuse.

As a bloke (yes me too!) you don't get that far if you aren't attracted to someone, and that's not just a physical thing. Lots of factors can cause what he experienced, he may have had a bad experience in the past, medication, drink, anxiety, stress ... none of it your issue

Don't chase him for validation, you won't ever hear an honest answer based on how he's passed this off so far

Original poster
Bakingmad00 · 14/08/2017 18:46

Yeah I mean maybe he wasn't as secure as he made out. If he found the shyness off putting then he's abit of an idiot as confidence is supposed to grow with time I guess.

OP posts:
lookingforlove · 14/08/2017 20:42

I think it's quite natural for confidence to grow as you bond, you sound completely normal OP, have fun.

TheNaze73 · 15/08/2017 07:31

Could be one of many things. Guilt, not that into you, alcohol or medical.

His issue though, not yours

MeetMeInMontauk · 15/08/2017 07:55

Another male opinion here - yes, it was his issue but (as PPs have pointed out) because he was trying very hard to make it your issue means that you've definitely had a lucky escape from a total tool.

lovemylover · 15/08/2017 09:18

My partner had this problem at the start of our relationship
All is fine now, just give him time and ask him to let you help him overcome his embarrassment, by trying various other things
When he realises that you are not put off and prepared to wait until he feels more confident ,hopefully things will improve

NoMudNoLotus11 · 15/08/2017 09:44

I think it's more common than people realise. My ex dh and my current dp both had problems staying erect at the beginning then after s few times of trust and patience it got better. He probably doesn't have an erection problem, he was probably nervous. It's not you at all and him saying you're very shy is a bit mean. Everyone is shy with a new partner at first, not many people are in the full sexual confidence swing in the first encounter.

He sounds like a dick for saying that anyway.

bridgetoc · 15/08/2017 13:50

Some men can't get it up, it's usually because they are nervous. It happens, so you really have nothing to worry about.

gamerchick · 15/08/2017 13:55

It happens, it's not a big deal.

Did you really question him about it via messenger?

Original poster
Bakingmad00 · 15/08/2017 19:27

Yeah i did i was embarrassed by it to he honest and thought it was me. Just to update I did text him we met up this evening and I had the best sex I've ever had! Thanx for all your replies

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/08/2017 20:41

And that's the reason he said you weren't sexually compatible. Glad you're both over the hump.

HerOtherHalf · 16/08/2017 09:19

Glad you're both over the hump.

If there were a prize for Euphemism of the Week you would have won it.

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