sex still painful 2.5 years after birth

[oatmilk4breakfast]

Long story please bear with me, I feel so low and need some help with it.

Long labour. Long pushing stage. Homebirthing style in hospital but midwives worried, 5 of them in there at one stage rushing me, saying if it doesn't come soon we're going to have to move you.

Me - no pain relief - gas and air not working properly but still out of my mind saying 'i'll walk home, you're not moving me' - you get the idea, perhaps.

8.5 pound baby, lots of screaming as he crowns, tearing down there, (but amazingly 'only' 2nd degree) but midwife stitches me up immediately after with gas and air, for which, at the time I'm grateful. And am still grateful (for lots of things, not least my child).

But, here's the thing, I felt some of the stitches go in, like - it hurt - even at the time. And it still hurts today. And it feels different. And I can't have sex. Lots of hospital appointments - 'oh it's just normal skin, oh rub coconut oil in otherwise it'll get sensitised' etc...

But every time we try and have sex it feels like I'm tearing again. And now seen more consultants, different hospital. Yes, it is different, yes there is a 'flap' of skin extra there. But it's normal. And no point cutting it now. Use coconut oil twice a day to do perineal massage. Use this HRT cream for 6 weeks because oestrogen low. Use a numbing lubricant if you have sex.

I know this is so minor in the scheme of things, but I feel so broken (had flash backs after birth kind of thing). Every time I rub there it feels sore all the time afterwards. I just can't bear thought of doing this twice a day for 6 weeks. It's painful. I'm not making this up. It hurts.

Has anyone out there gone through similar? Can I take painkillers before I do the massage?

I have had 'proper' sex once in two and a half years so want to fix this but just so exhausted and tired and hurts that the 'fix' for this pain is putting myself in pain three times a day (because also have to insert this cream at night). I'm being ridiculous, aren't I? I know I should have maybe listened more when the first person told me to use coconut oil and that millions of people have actual real problems.

I don't know why I'm finding this of all things hard to cope with.

Grateful for any thoughts.

Didn't want to read and run, I don't have any tips to share other than go and talk to your doctor (insist!!!), but hugs. It sounds like you have really been through it... hugs and

I was like this after having dd1, I could have sex but it was uncomfortable, I had a 2nd degree tear and stitches too. Eventually I got pregnant with dd2, her birth was a lot easier but again I had a 2nd degree tear, I explained to the midwife about my problems after having dd1 after I was stitched up by a surgeon so she agreed that this time she would do the stitches, she did a great job and once I had recovered from having dd2 everything went back to normal down there.

This is a real problem, you're justified in feeling upset. Don't minimise it. It's not minor. You don't have to put up with it or learn to live with it. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It sounds like you still have a lot of traumatic memories of the birth itself. Maybe other posters have ideas about how you can process those.

This happened to me, although I had an episiotomy rather than a tear.

I was referred to a (male) consultant who was very dismissive, told me that I had a psychological fear of sex ( I didn't) and was tensing up and making the problem worse. I knew it was a physical problem but he wouldn't listen.

In the 14 months after my sons birth we managed to have penetrative sex three times and each time it was agony . Luckily I became pregnant on the third occasion and then got a referral to a female obstetrician. She examined me once and immediately identified that I had Keloid scarring from the episiotomy. It was such a relief to be believed. She said that when I gave birth the second time I would be cut a long the scar and restitched which should solve the problem.

In the end Ds2 had to be born by caesarian. I had to go back into hospital when he was 6 weeks old and have my scar cut and restitched, they also injected something into it to break down the scar tissue. It was done under GA.

Since then there have been no problems whatsoever. Sex is enjoyable and never painful.

Please ask for a second opinion and enquire if there is anything problematic about the scar which could be sorted. I'm so glad I got to see another consultant who was able to help.

Happened to me but third degree tear. The stitches just didn't heal. But I only lasted 12 weeks so 2.5 years in unthinkable. I paid privately for a total unstitch and restitch. It was £1800 7 years ago. I then had dd2 by elcs. I was then given fucibet cream and lindocaine to rub over the scar as it healed. Yes I've got a scar tissue there but I'm so so glad I went for the op.

I had a similar problem after having a 3rd degree tear, sex was pretty much impossible. In the end I had an operation known as a fentons procedure which was a great improvement and meant sex was possible again. You shouldn't have to suffer so I would go gp and ask for a referral.

oh thank you so so much for all these posts. will read through them and definitely go back to doctor. was so good just to see other people had experienced similar. rainbowduck thanks for your lovely message! will reply properly when have managed to read through everything. thank you so much again.

I had a third degree tear and then painful sex. My GP gave me metronidazole in case it was bacterial vaginosis, and at the same time I started using a mooncup. Not sure which fixed me, but sex no longer hurts. Ideas for you maybe.

Also, my young female GP pulled this face when I said I'd had painful sex for 6 months, so you would definitely get sympathy from her.

I had a third degree tear and sex was impossible for a long time. Just excruciating pain. I think partly it's due to (and this is going to sound crude) lack of use. For me, it was like my vagina shrunk a little making penetration really painful. And then there's the problem of scar tissue, which doesn't stretch.

You can get dialators on the NHS (starting small and getting bigger) but I decided to buy a couple of sex toys to use in my own time. I preferred it that way, no pressure and I could take my time. Plenty of lube obviously (Astroglide is good).