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Original poster

Friends with benefits with ex

25 replies

Sexyex · 11/07/2017 10:34

Has anyone had experience of this? I split up with my ex three months ago. We were very compatible sexually but in our everyday life we argued and wanted different things in life. I really miss the sexual side of things and would like to explore this further with him although I know we would never work as a couple. Would a friends with benefits arrangement be a terrible thing to do? It'd only be once a month or so, not a regular thing.

I'm online dating but seem to sift through men that only want sex, I'd rather that type of situation be with someone I trust and am very attracted to. It would obviously stop if either of us met someone.

OP posts:

MeanAger · 11/07/2017 10:38

Well it has emotional torture written all over it and practically screams "I'm just so desperate to cling onto you" but if that's what you want to do then fire away.

qazxc · 11/07/2017 10:41

I don't think it would work. You'd be better off trying to find someone else ( for casual hook ups or something more serious).
I fear that hooking up with an ex would get to messy emotionally and one of you end up getting hurt.

Original poster

Sexyex · 11/07/2017 10:57

That's what is holding me back. But I know and accept there is no future for us as a couple which is why I'm putting my effort into online dating to meet someone new. I really enjoyed my sex life with my ex and that's what is drawing me to this arrangement. Is it possible to keep emotions out of sex and just enjoy it for what it is?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sexyex · 11/07/2017 10:58

It would be viewed by both of us as a stop gap, a chance to explore new things with someone we feel safe with until either of us meets someone we feel serious about.

OP posts:

MeanAger · 11/07/2017 11:01

Is it possible to keep emotions out of sex and just enjoy it for what it is?

With an ex? With someone you have an existing emotional relationship with? Think it through.

marmac · 11/07/2017 11:13

Been there myself and it didn't end well. I couldn't help but read more in to it and be emotionally attached.
If that's what you want I would find someone where there was no previous relationship or feeling.

noego · 11/07/2017 11:38

Previous history might cloud the FWB especially if you ended the relationship because of arguing and disagreeing on things. There will always be something in the background and emotionally you don't need that in a FWB relationship. FWB is what it isn't. They are not really friends, but bring the physical aspect to the relationship. It cannot even be called a relationship in the normal sense. It is using one another for a purpose and having a dating buddy at the same time.

Brahms3rdracket · 11/07/2017 11:58

How will you feel if he meets someone else and stops your arrangement before you? Your reaction should help you reach a decision.

Lovemusic33 · 11/07/2017 14:28

I thought no it's a crazy idea and has 'car crash' written all over it. My ex was the best I have ever had in bed but there's no way I would go back there for a FWB relationship, I just hope that some day I find someone equally as good that's not such a twat.

NikiBabe · 11/07/2017 14:31

Having been through this myself and it was extraordinarily painful at the end, I would wager you're not entirely honest with yourself and want him back.

I did that with my ex. I wont tell you how upset I felt when he finally said i cant fool around with you now ive met.someone.

But go ahead if you want.

Original poster

Sexyex · 11/07/2017 14:33

Brahms, thanks. I can imagine myself finding someone new who will treat me far better and feel OK with that. But the thought of him finding someone serious about a relationship and flaunting it on social media makes me feel sick. I think because I wonder why he can offer someone else what he couldn't offer me. Maybe im kidding myself to think I wouldn't start to feel possessive and fall in love again.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 11/07/2017 14:38

But the thought of him finding someone serious about a relationship and flaunting it on social media makes me feel sick.

That is your biggest clue that going down this road isn't right for you. Too much emotion! What's going to happen when you're meeting up for your supposed no strings sexy time and you ask him what he's been up to and he starts telling you about this new girl he's met?

Brahms3rdracket · 11/07/2017 14:56

Sorry OP, I don't think it's what you wanted to hear, but great sex in a relationship is about more than the physical act IMO. I always joke to DP that he's so good I would come back for more if we split, but I know that couldn't possibly work irl as I would still feel too many emotions to enjoy the act only.

Hope you manage to move on and find someone else to fulfill your needs

Original poster

Sexyex · 11/07/2017 15:08

Nikibabe, I think you're possibly right. I'm viewing this as fun and a way to move forward whilst still enjoying his company but I think there's still a part of me that wants to know that he wants/needs me. But he doesn't, he just wants sex with someone familiar who is available until he finds someone new. It's not the thought of him sleeping with someone else that bothers me, it's the thought of him loving someone else and treating them better than he did me as a result of him learning from our relationship.

OP posts:

NikiBabe · 11/07/2017 15:23

But the thought of him finding someone serious about a relationship and flaunting it on social media makes me feel sick

That will change in time.

Block him on social media

I was devastated when he told me he'd met someone now and basically he used me.

He has a history of being unfaithful in every relationship he has ever had and he was callous to me.

He will not change.

Now the dawn broke long ago and I laugh at the sad sorry pair. She thought she was shit hot bagging a doctor. Yeah one that lies and cheats. He has aged terribly in the last couple of years and I honestly couldn't give a flying fuck about either of their ugly mugs.

It sounds cliched but it will change in time. You wont care soon enough.

NikiBabe · 11/07/2017 15:24

It's not the thought of him sleeping with someone else that bothers me, it's the thought of him loving someone else and treating them better than he did me as a result of him learning from our relationship.

I thought that too.

People are who they are.

They do not single one person out for their callous and nasty behaviour. How they treated you will eventually be how they treat anyone else.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 11/07/2017 15:30

Can I just echo those that are saying it wont end well OP, best bet is to cut him off, at least then you are in control of your own situation and not him, good luck OP

TheNaze73 · 11/07/2017 15:31

I've done it & it was great. We were crap together, she didn't stop moaning, being needy etc so I ended it however, she suggested the FWB arrangement & it worked for us. The sex was even better than when we were a couple. She had an offer of a date, from a guy at work & I told her to go for it. & now they're married.

Lovemusic33 · 11/07/2017 16:28

I think the best th g you can do is block him on social media and have no contact.

I think you want to sleep with him in hope it will stop him sleeping with anyone else? This won't happen, eventually he will find someone and more on and it will hurt .

Stick with the online dating if your looking for someone to shag, there's plenty of people on there and you never know you might find someone much better than him (and not just in the bedroom), I am doing this at the moment and I have no contact with my ex.

Original poster

Sexyex · 11/07/2017 18:22

Thanks, you've made me realise I'm being naive to think I will enjoy sex with him knowing that he feels no love for me anymore, I think it would leave me feeling sleazy and damage my self esteem even further. He flaunts it in my face that he's looking to fall in love again, I'm dreading seeing someone else showed off in photos in the place where it should have been me. I've not been very honest with myself about my motives for a fwb arrangement.

OP posts:

NikiBabe · 11/07/2017 20:48

Block him.

Everywhere.

You dont need to see it.

EezerGoode · 11/07/2017 20:53

Did you end it or did he? Sounds like you still ....a little bit...want to be with him...is there any way back to being a couple?

EezerGoode · 11/07/2017 20:54

Ahh just read yr last post...I'm sorry I didn't see that before I wrote.

phoenixashes9 · 20/07/2017 09:30

Move on lovely. Reading your messages it looks as if you haven't yet fully come to terms that it is really over.

Absence from each other will make you heal faster. No contact is key.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 20/07/2017 09:38

Oh sweetie your post screams that you want to lure him back . It's clear you are still in love with him . This will not end well as he sounds as though he is cruelly goading you by saying he wants to find love again . To be able to move on your best bet is no contact and block him on all social media . If he truly loves you he will come back to you but for now it sounds as though a Fwb relationship would not work for you because you had too many feelings invested in him

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