Taking the initiative....

[CosmicStrider]

DH and I have had a bit of an awkward sex life in all truth. My ex DH was very experimental, to the point it was all he wanted to do, and my now DH is more reserved. However, sex has always been a bit clumsy and awkward. There have been several moments of intense passion but there is no consistency and he hates to discuss it.

I have decided to have a final bash at trying to find something we enjoy. He does like a corset, so have ordered a new one. I have also ordered a body stocking and crotchless knickers.... Tonight I sext him, although he wasn't very responsive....so maybe I will try again a couple a of times, and give up on that if he doesn't warm to it.

He refuses to watch porn together. I am thinking toys...but nothing too scary. Can anyone suggest anything? What's a good intro? I feel like I have completely forgotten how to do good sex! So I am probably a bit boring too.... Any tips, gratefully received.

NC for this for obvious reasons!

Anticipation is usually the key to a good memorable session. Sexting is a good way of building tension so stick with that, as is filthy talk whilst your out. If your having a meal or drink maybe drop hints about what will happen when you get home etc.

It's finding their weakness, my DP goes batty if I touch myself so that usually builds him up into a frenzy.

Confidence is key also, if your DH is not happy with himself or worrying about performing then this will lead to awkwardness. Let him know how sexy you find him, and own that filthy lingerie!

If you're thinking toys, what about a small bullet vibrator that you can ask him to use on you? It might take pressure off him.

Try the subtle approach, it doesn't always have to be hard core.
Remove the bra and try some down the blouse peeks when serving dinner or picking something up. Naked under the dressing gown after the shower and let it slip open..........Seductive stuff. Hopefully he picks the signals up....make him "WANT"

Thanks for the suggestions. I agree there maybe a pressure issue if I spring a toy on him.

I have tried that subtly sexy peeky thing before and it didn't amount to much but maybe I should try again.

Turn on the sexuality not for an hour, for a day but for a week........tease, tantalise, be sexual.......you know how to do this. Many couples forget this part of themselves when they get embroiled in the day to day running of family, jobs, house, life in general.

How do you do that @noego? I kind of imagine acting like you know he is watching you all the time, iyswim?

He'll be watching believe me. Stop being the mum, wifey person and be the feminine one that he fell for.
Come on.........the odd brush against him, the eye contact, the little knowing smile, the down the blouse show when really close to him, the wiggle of the hips.........need I spell it out......its your natural sexual beingness....................have you lost it????

Noego .....tried ALL that ....im naturally sensual and giving.

Went down like a fart in a spacesuit. He's now exDH.

Sadly my current figure wont lend itself to aforementioned sensuality, but I am working on that !!

Encouraging post though...

I think I lost my confidence maybe... however I am willing to give it a bash. I agree with @Forwards, good post. I really feel I need that level of detailed advice.

Sensuality has nothing to do with your figure :)

Do you think? Maybe mine is more suppressed than it might otherwise be.
I think it can rely on the reception tbh. If the vibes aren't picked up, what on earth is left?

OP, I wish you well. I hope you achieve happiness!!

If he doesn't pick up the vibe then his mind is elsewhere. This is the problem. The mind gets to involved with life in general and distracts from the "what is going on right under your nose" So use the sensuality to redirect his mind onto something else. "YOU"
I could tell you one of my GF's ways, but I can't put it out publicly :)

Mindfulness?!! Might work on bringing the next one round.

Also gotta think about my dignity.....

Mindfulness. Absolutely. Tantric meditation. Certainly.

Hmmmm, food for thought. I have been bringing his attention to it by texting him that I have bought underwear and he gets to see it soon. But not in a pressured way so he knows something.... I wonder if he really doesn't know how to respond and that is the issue.

Glass of wine. Snuggle. Kiss. Grab his crotch. Sorted

It sounds like he doesn't actually enjoy or want sex. If you nail his foot to the floor and demand answers, does he admit he has a low libido or does he just tell you what he thinks you want to hear?

Personally noego I very much doubt any female would have worked tbh.
But that's another thread altogether.

You can bring the horse to water etc etc

OP I tried sexting ex too .... he didn't even reply..

Fuck, my self-esteem is on the floor...

To me this doesn't sound like the problem is you or what you are doing, it sounds like there's some kind of issue his side, maybe nervousness, low libido or being old fashioned/religious (generally not very sex positive or not totally comfortable with concept of sex for fun)

You have listed plenty of things that if my DW had done for me I would be very eager.