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Original poster

Reigniting Our Marriage

17 replies

ExhaustedDadof2 · 09/07/2017 19:23

We have two girls - 3yo and 1.5yo and ever since number 2 came along we've struggled to make time for ourselves...

I'm finding these last six months very frustrating - we're both exhausted but that's because we don't ever get a break from the kids.

How on earth do I reignite our marriage? I've tried cooking nice meals, I've tried booking a night away, I've tried buying sexy underwear, I've tried palming the kids off on to grandparents for two hours...this is how it played out:

  • Meal, got a thank you and then she went to bed.
  • Night away, she cancelled.
  • Underwear, got sent back to M&S
  • Palming the kids off, she did the food shopping and went and picked them up.

I'm finding it very hard to be patient - we're both knackered, not just her. We need to lose the kids for a night but she just won't.

Help!

OP posts:
HandbagCrazy · 09/07/2017 19:38

Have you actually had a conversation about this or have you decided having the kids in the house is the barrier and made the previously mentioned plans?

From her point of view, it may be that along with her physical exhaustion from 2 young children, she's also dealing with the mental exhaustion of planning / organising / shopping / tidying / worrying. If that's true, you announcing a night away or handing over underwear is basically you making a point of being unhappy and adding sex on to a never ending to-do list, and there is nothing less sexy.

Have you considered taking sex out of the equation, of coming home early, doing bedtime while she relaxes? Watching a film and having a kiss and cuddle without pushing for more. Just being close, relaxed and intimate but with no pressure may help more than you realise.

Whisky2014 · 09/07/2017 19:43

Because the stuff youve planned is a bit seedy and dressed up as something nice when really you just want your dick sucked.
2 hours for kids at grandparents...oh how romantic...
Up your game.

Whisky2014 · 09/07/2017 19:47

Oh and these are all quick fixes for YOU. What about your wife?

doodlejump1980 · 09/07/2017 19:52

Hmmm let me think, she's had two kids over a very short period, so her body and needs will have changed. Do you compliment her? Do you appreciate all she does? It's not just about sex you know.

SnowiestMountain · 09/07/2017 20:00

Stop arranging opportunities to have sex!

She'll see them as just that and feel pressurised, I'd definitely not like it.

Be kind to her, look after her, compliment her, do other things like lots of kissing etc but don't make them lead to anything more, cuddles with no expectation are lovely.

This is FAR more likely to make her want to have sex with you than any arrangement involving getting rid of the kids for 2 hours and an expectation Confused

AkimboLimbo · 09/07/2017 22:08

Everything you are doing has very obvious strings attached so it's impossible to relax and enjoy them. It's all about you.
Having 2 small children is mentally and physically exhausting.
You are doing these things without consultation with her - like she is irrelevant in this issue. You are doing what you want and are upset that she doesn't repay you with gratitude (sex)

Talk to her - not about your need for sex but about HER. What does she need from you, what can you do to support her. Do more with no strings, do it just because you love her not in expectation (or even hope) of sex.
Be affectionate WITHOUT strings or pressure of any kind.

I do believe that sex is important in a relationship, but it can only ever be good if it is two-way in desire and pleasure.

Original poster
ExhaustedDadof2 · 10/07/2017 07:56

A varying array of responses - aggressive to helpful, the full spectrum!

For context:

  • Meals: We've been out 5 times in 3.5 years
  • Underwear: A response to 'I'm fucking sick of wearing maternity bras and Asda knickers'. They were M&S not Ann summers. Suspenders not included either.
  • Night away: Our wedding anniversary - nothing weird about booking that, I'm sure plenty of people do that.
  • Kids Away: That was the only period over Christmas where we were sans kids and she didn't want to do anything other than what we'd normally do with them - no cafes, no movies, nothing....

Yes we've talked about this after a night where I tried to instigate sex and I was told to 'be quick' - which I thought was charming. The resulting conversation spelled out a lot of decisions that had been made about our relationship without me actually being involved in the process.

In terms of my input to looking after our kids - it's very much 50/50 however i work full time she does not so she has them through the day.

I get up with them through the night - 2 and 3 times, I have at least one of them every Saturday morning so she can do whatever she wants.

Balancing my work life with home, I get home at 430 everyday give them their tea, bath them and put them to bed - so she can have a couple of hours to herself...I make her tea while she gets her pyjamas on.

If I'm required to work away I make sure that I'm either free to do what I've described or come back late so I'm in the house for anything through the night - and disappear back to where I need to be early in the morning.

Do I appreciate everything she does? Of course I do and I tell her - i know how hard it is - however, relationships are two way.

I know none of the above grants me rights to her body etc I'm not stupid...but while I'm making sure she is getting what is important to her I'd like help communicating that I'd like what is important to me - time together without the kids occasionally would be a start and anything else a bonus.

OP posts:
user1465893880 · 10/07/2017 09:50

For what's it's worth the responses so far were totally unreasonable and assumed way too much. You seem to be a very normal and reasonable partner.

As regards your situation, you probably need to talk directly to her and let her know how you are feeling. If that doesn't work, you've some tough decisions to make.

Voice0fReason · 10/07/2017 10:23

Your first description and your second description are very different. The motivation behind all of these things was in the hope of having sex, so if she didn't want sex (for some reason that you have yet to ascertain) then all of these approaches will invariably fail.

Yes we've talked about this after a night where I tried to instigate sex and I was told to 'be quick'
It really depends how and when you approached this conversation as to what kind of response you would get.

How does she feel about sex & intimacy?
Is she happy with your sex life?
What's going on for her?
What can you do to help?
Do you know the answer to any of these questions?

wherearemymarbles · 10/07/2017 11:49

Lucky you put it here, on the main relationships board you'd be up to 6 pages of insults by now mostly far worse than you see here!

Really all you can do is ask her how she feels, both about you and herself and go from there.

Original poster
ExhaustedDadof2 · 10/07/2017 12:36

The reason I posted in this forum was because alone time/sex/kids free time is missing and I'd like to address that! Sex isn't my only goal - but it would be nice to be able to instigate it without being made to feel grateful or told to be quick.

As far as I know she's happy with it - it's not as important to her as it is to me, I think - and I imagine that's pretty typical.

Like I say, we just need a break from the kids once in a while and to spend more Time together than we are...I just can't seem to help make that happen.

OP posts:
OrlandaFuriosa · 10/07/2017 16:23

If she had a hard time having them, either pregnancy or labour or both, then both mind and body need time to recover. Lots of time. Even if she didn't, it can all just feel too much. And feeling under pressure to agree can make it worse.

The advice sexual counsellors tend to give is to start off slow, yes, finding time, just being affectionate to begin with, stroking each other gently, no PIV, no orgasm. Prob hard for you, but you sound an understanding person, and the aim is to start building up the intimate body reactions again, from a limited time, say 10 mins onwards. No expectations. Stroking her face when you come in if an evening, or when she's come down from her two hour gap, I can't exphasise enough the no expectations of going further at this point. You build from there.

I'd suggest cuddling next to her on a sofa with a glass of wine and asking her with open ended questions, how she feels. Don't get into arguments, repeat you love her very much, and find out how she's feeling. Don't attempt to come to a plan by the end, just provide love, affection, security, closeness. Take it all slowly, step by step.

OrlandaFuriosa · 10/07/2017 16:28

And the toll that non-adults take is extraordinary. Give me adults any day.

I obv don't know but it sounds to me as though she may need more time, eg a weekend, by herself, to get slept and pampered up, and not to be afraid possibly subconsciously that you will pounce or have expectations of her.

Sounds harsh, you sound great. Well done for posting here.
Pm me if you want.

AkimboLimbo · 10/07/2017 21:49

As far as I know she's happy with it - it's not as important to her as it is to me, I think - and I imagine that's pretty typical.
So you are guessing and making assumptions - that's not a good idea.

Like I say, we just need a break from the kids once in a while and to spend more Time together than we are...I just can't seem to help make that happen.
You are showing a complete disregard for what is going on for her!
You think it all comes down to spending a bit more time together without the kids when you really haven't bothered exploring with her if that's what's getting in the way. I suspect you are completely wrong and that is why your simplistic and transparent attempts have failed.

I went through a similar experience when I had 2 small children. It is physically and mentally exhausting, your body is not your own. My DH was lovely and very supportive but sex was a low priority to me. Sleep was always more valuable.

We talked and I realised I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to have sex. He was never pushy, far from it, but I was worried that our sex life had fallen off a cliff.

The resolution was in a sex ban. I couldn't relax and enjoy and affection or intimacy for fear of it going further. By banning sex it allowed us to start being affectionate with each other with a cast iron guarantee that it would not lead to any more. We agreed a minimum of a month to start with and arranged a night about a week in when he would give me a massage with no sexual contact at all. Then very gradually and at my pace, over the next few weeks we took things further.We kept underwear on for a few weeks to remove any risk of getting carried away. He never asked he always allowed me to set the pace and we didn't have sex until after the 30 days were up and I said that I wanted to. And by that time, I was gagging for it! He had done an outstanding job of making me feel safe, loved, valued and sexy without the slightest hint of pressure. It was actually a lot of fun, we enjoyed the process.

Oh, and the kids were in bed in the same house - no babysitters needed. We tended to put a quilt on the living room floor we felt we had a bit more privacy. A break from the kids would not have helped at all, in fact it would probably have added to the pressure.

prioritymail · 16/07/2017 12:58

Your youngest is only a year and a half, she spends all day with them and they are both at an age where they still need full attention, and possibly still not sleeping through. Going out to work and only being responsible for yourself is much more relaxing long term. Add to that the mind numbing repetition and lack of adult company /conversations. I think you hugely underestimate how physically and mentally tiring this is. Unfortunately, if you arrange a two hour windows for sex it's likely to take longer than that just to relax and get in the mood, knowing the kids will be back shortly!

As pp said, it's obvious all your attention has been towards getting sex. At this stage of motherhood sex is probably low down on a massive to do list. Give it a rest for a while until she feels more appreciated for things other than her body and how you want a claim on it, after a full day of kids clambering all over her. Maybe she just wants herself back a bit before her libido will recover.
(but you'll probably disagree with this because it doesn't provide you with the sex you're after)

2017RedBlue · 20/07/2017 10:13

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

NCEndOfLifeDilemma · 20/07/2017 10:22

Have you asked her if she'd like time away from the DC, and if not (e.g. overnight break) why not?

From what you post, you do a lot compared to many fathers. But you haven't said anywhere what your wife might be feeling - do you know? Can you have honest conversations about how you both feel with each other?

Finding out how she feels is really what you need, not time out from the DC. Yet.

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