Sleeping with other people

[changingallthetime2]

My OH and I have a great sex life and enjoy trying new things together, such as exploring bdsm etc. Once or twice he's hinted that the thought of me going with another guy turns him on, but in quite a light, fantasy way, so I never thought that much of it.

Anyway last night, through what started as a jokey conversation about making him jealous, he told me that he's really into the idea. Apparently I can sleep with other guys and provided that a) I don't hide it from him and b) it wasn't an emotional relationship, he would be ok with that, and it would be a huge turn on for him.

I am not into that at all as I'm monogamous and have to feel an emotional connection with someone to have sex with them. He's very clear that he doesn't expect me to do this, would never put pressure on me to do so etc. He also reassured me that he has no interest in sleeping with other people, (although this was after he realised I was pretty upset, so who knows).

I am in in bits over this. To me, if you love someone (he says he loves me) you don't want to share them. That's a basic value for me. Intellectually I get what he's saying, but emotionally I find it so hurtful and cold, like he can't really love me if he'd be ok with that. He can be a bit closed off at times, but he's generally a really lovely guy and makes me so happy. This just feels like such a slap in the face to what we have and has me questioning everything I thought about us. He can't see why I'm so upset about it as he's not asking me to do this and it's 'just a kink'.

Part of me thinks I should just shrug it off and I'm making a fuss over something that's not so important, but it makes me feel so cheap and disposal and I feel so hurt. Also I thought we had a great sex life, but now I feel that maybe it's not so great for him as there'll always be this thing that's a huge turn on for him that I won't do.

Can anyone offer me some perspective on this. I just feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.

Cuckholding is a fairly common fantasy. Its good thats he's opened up to you and shared his idea with you. I'm sure he feels the opposite to you, i.e. he has shared his idea and therefore put you in a position of ultimate power and sexual freedom, which he probably thinks would be liberating and exciting for you in a sexual context, rather than make you feel hurt.

You feel differently about it which is fine, just tell him it's not your cup of tea but maybe look at other humiliation techniques in the bedroom that you both may enjoy.

If all other parts of your relationship are good I wouldn't worry about this so much, he just gets a kick out of you being in control and having anything you want sexually.

You're monogamous, so is your hubby by the sounds of it. It is fantasy. If you're comfortable being monogamous then stay that way.
Sexual fantasy is ok, is use of the imagination (unreal) and should be spoke about between adults, but neither partner should be coerced into doing anything they don't want to.
You told how you stand. He seems to respect that and that is the correct attitude.

Thanks Blue. I do get the psychology behind it and I'm really trying to rationalise it in my mind, but I can't get past this emotional block of if you loved me how could you be ok with me doing that? I thought I was special to him and now I feel like I could be anyone. The thought of him being with somebody else whilst he's with me kills me. How can he not feel any of those emotions if he loves me?

Sorry noego, cross post. It's a bit beyond a fantasy. He made it clear it was an in real life thing, although there's no pressure on me to do it.
I just don't get it and it pushes at vulnerabilities I have about not been good enough I guess. Maybe I'm being too sensitive.

I think he's able to separate emotion out of sex in the short times of sexual fantasy. For you sex is always linked to emotion. Both of these are perfectly fine standpoints but not always compatiable. However this is a small part of your relationship and love wins the the day in the end, and if you explain to him that sex and emotion are linked for you he should understand that this particular fantasy won't work for you as a couple. But there are other things you can do just together that will tickle that part of his brain nicely.

Im not sure how long you have been together but you never know, way into the future you might find this an exciting one off to do and your partner would obviously get a lot of pleasure out of it. This to me makes for a good future relationship.

I have played around with this fantasy a little with my current partner and our main observation was that the sex we had together after (and the conversation, chatting about what it was like) was really enjoyable for both of us. Infidelity was never questioned as it was in full knowledge etc.

Rather than you not being good enough or just being anyone, the cuck fantasy is quite the opposite. The feeling behind it from the guy is that you are the queen, you have anything and anyone you like and you don't care about his feeling (the humiliation bit). Believe it or not this is him putting you on a sexual pedestal and giving you all the control. Its quite a special and submissive thing to do, but I totally get how it feels the other way. Be gentle with him, he's opened up to you maybe because he thinks it would be interesting and exciting for you. I'm glad he's not applying any pressure for you to do this, as that wouldn't be fair. In the bdsm world the wife of a cuck husband holds the power and the husband loves seeing her use it.

Thanks blue your replies are really insightful. I really do appreciate it!
Sexually he's very dominant and I'm submissive, so this cuck thing feels like an odd fit in that regard. I think that plays into how I feel too, because I've let myself be very vulnerable with him and that is underpinned by the fact that I love and trust him. Being told I could sleep with whoever and he wouldn't care tears right into that.

You're welcome ..

If hes usually dom and you're usually sub then I totally get how you're feeling. Hes not being a great dom if thats the context he's doing this in. In which case just say that a cuck wife is too far into the dom side of things for you and doesn't sit right with the kinks in your brain. If he gets psych/bdsm then he should totally understand. There must be a switch in him somewhere, or he wants this in a dom context, in which case you just say that anything with other people is a hard limit. Thats not unusual at all within a relationship. Mixing poly and bdsm is a lot to cope with emotionally.

It may also be helpful to remember that in most cases men find it easier to separate love and sex. Women have more of an emotional connection when they sleep with someone. Hope that helps.

Definitely a switch in him somewhere. But you do have limits and this is one of them. It seems your relationship is fine sub/dom and now there seems to be an exploration of this switch by DH. Voyeuristic perhaps ??

He's certainly not pushing it as something i should do because he's dom and he wants me too. But for me part of being his sub is feeling that I'm special to him, and this makes me feel so not special. He understands and respects that I don't want to do it, but I don't think he gets at all why it upsets me. It just doesn't seem a big deal to him. Like he says, it's just a kink.
I know he likes the idea of me dominating him sometimes, because it would go against his instincts and push his limits. I'm just a bit shy with that!
I don't quite know where he's coming from with it all psychologically. He just says that if I enjoyed it, he'd be into that.

I was sub for a long time, then started exploring my dom side and really liked it, making me a switch. But that took 15 years! You need to do these things in your own time when you are ready or it won't be fun.

Tell him you need a caring, loving dom that cherishes you and refuses to share you and that that is a kink for you. I think if you chat this one through you will come to a good middle ground.

I know a lot of men have this fantasy and thats exactly what it is and often how it stays. A friend of mine told me he'd like to watch me having sex with his wife and he isnt interested any more. I led him on and pretended i was up for it as i knew he would back out and sure enough he did. Perhaps its because he hadnt broached the subject with his wife,which when you think about it, is a major stumbling block ! The very idea that a man thinks he can lend out his partner like this is just laughable.

We have a dom/sub thing going on. We also swing, he dabbles with the ladies but has yet to have sex with anyone else I have lots. It's not a cuck thing for him. It's a hotwife thing if I had to try and label it.

He is visual and voyeuristic, came as a surprise to him and me. We thought he would love to fuck other women, turns out he has little/no urge to do so at all. He does love to see me with other men or even solo play where I tell him about it later. Only a clubs so he is very close at hand for my safety.

He loves me and I love him. It is compatible with a committed, loving and great relationship. It's not terribly common but in the swinging world, it's not uncommon either. However I enjoy it, the moment either of us says no then we stop the swinging. I would not do it if it made me feel cheap, threatened or unhappy in any way.

Maybe use it in the bedroom as a pure fantasy game for him to enjoy with the clear understanding it 'ain't ever going to happen' or tell him it turns you off and shut the conversation down entirely. I found that no matter how much my brain and 'morals' said I didn't want to entertain the idea, my body responded to the fantasy, so we ended up trying it. Hey ho. For us, it is just a kink which we acknowledge but don't analyse or judge. What we do though doesn't matter, you do what is right for you (and not him) only.

OP, is he working up to suggesting he chooses your other partners, or brings home men he would like to see you with?

Why would you think that, barry? Sounds like the OP's DH has been incredibly honest and open - why suggest there's something else?

As others have said, this is a fairly common fantasy in which the guy wants his wife to have a fantastic, fulfilling sex life. It doesn't seem it's for her, so I hope they can work it through so she continues to feel loved and cherished.

That's a horrible and ignorant thing to say Barry.
This very much sounds like fantasy and although he might like it to happen, it's still the thought of it that he finds a turn on. He still wants you, just you.
He also sounds thoughtful of your feelings. He's not pushing anything, he's just talking to you about ideas that turn him on.
I hope you manage to get through this.

Im the other way - there is nothing more arousing than knowing (or better yet watching) a person I care deeply for have sex with someone else... it just does it for me. I on the other hand have no interest in another person of the opposite sex. We are all made different. I want to see... we have amazing sex together and seeing, what I know myself she is feeling... gosh.