DH starting to make my skin crawl :(

[Mandaramandate]

NC for this for obvious reasons.

DH has never been particularly sex mad. I'm willing to accept we have mismatched sex drives. We've been together a long time and I love him
Enormously. We are perfect in almost every other way.

He seems to have become completely disinterested in sex. He clearly has a physical need for an orgasm every few weeks which is when we have sex. It makes me feel like something to just wank into. It's starting to make my
Skin crawl when the predictable time comes and he makes the predictable same moves and I don't really enjoy the sex at all.

The main problems are that I really need to feel enthusiasm and desire from a partner to be able to enjoy it myself. And that it feels like a predictable set of moves. That makes me so turned off.

I have tried lots of different things. But he isn't really into spontaneity. Pants must be all the way off otherwise it feels uncomfortable, at bedtime needs to have brushed teeth and got 'sorted' etc before wanting to, what if he's a bit hungry or thirsty? Or has eaten in the last few hours and is feeling a bit full?

I've tried sending him fun photos and messages but he usually just makes a joke. It's incredibly humiliating. I do lots of oral sex and I know I am good (enough) at it.

He doesn't have trouble getting an erection or staying hard or having an orgasm.

I've tried talking to him about it in lots of different ways. Tried sharing fantasies, talking about things we might like to do. He clearly finds it torturous and embarrassing. Tried talking more seriously but kindly and that just makes him feel
Like shit because he feels like a weirdo for not having a sex drive.

I really want to encourage him to have sex with another (random) woman to see if he can rediscover an interest in sex in some way. He swears he still finds me attractive and I do believe him. But I wonder if he could
Just shake off any baggage or
Embarrassment or anything he might have and just enjoy it worth someone else that might help? I now that sounds like an insane idea and it probably is.

Any advice? I'm finding it so
Devastating and getting increasingly resentful as I humiliate myself. But mainly it has put me off having sex with him. It's starting to make me
Feel sick, the way he touches me in the same 'let's prep for a quick bit of sex' way every time.

I didn't want to read and run OP....bumping for you. Im sure someone will be along soon to offer advice. Hugs

I'm really confused as to why you would want him to sleep with a random stranger as how would this help your marriage This will then out on your head that he dosent fancy you and that he fancies the random stranger but in reality and one starting something new is going to be more exciting that something that is long term.

As for his sex drive I am not sure he's either into sex or he isn't I'd uouve tried to find something he isn't into and you have been made to feel silly or it hasn't worked then you either
Live in a marriage where
Sex is as you describe but you tell him how you feel and he tries to make you feel attractive or loved in other ways or you end the marriage as you deserve to be happy

All sex in a marriage can feel about flat when it's on a bed and yous have brushes your teeth and it's quick so the kids don't hear but you then have to try by going away for the weekend or get the kids minded. But if you can't get past this in other ways then you have some decisions to make.

You are giving a lot of oral sex to a man who isn't really interested? Puzzling.
Stop with the oral. Just stop.

When he approaches you in his usual way, cut him short with a firm "No!" and mean it.

Wait until he finds something he can offer that you actually want.

The 'random woman' idea suggests to me that you aren't genuine. Or, aren't genuinely interested in being in a relationship with him.

I am genuine! The random person thing is stupid I know. It's the idea that he seems so embarrassed about so much stuff. I wonder if he could have just random sex without thinking about it he might lose some of that embarrassment. I feel like I want him to find a way to have less boundaries, feel more free and excited by sex etc.

He is interested in oral sex and sex when we are actually
Having it. It's just very mechanical I suppose.

Yes but is this because it's long term marriage ads or you husband has an issue are your expectations to high or his to low ?

Does he return the oral favour? Because if he doesn't then that speaks of lazy, selfish attitude not no sex drive.

He sounds pretty selfish to me. Has he gone to his gp to find out why has got a low sex drive? Does he make any effort to make sure you're satisfied sexually? What would his reaction be if you were to turn down his advanced?

A random women won't help. There's no guarantee that he'd be able to do the things that he could do with her with you; if he did manage something else, and what would happen if he can do exciting and sexy with someone else but not with you? That'd feel even more humiliating, I'd guess.

It might be time to take it or leave it. If he's got no sex drive and no desire to ensure you're fulfilled, I'm not sure there's much to save.

He does make an effort but honestly I can't enjoy it or get into it with that feeling that he's just going through the motions. Isn't particularly desirous of me etc.

I think you need to change the conversation you are having with him about this. Tell him how this situation is making you feel. Tell him that doing something about this is going to take effort from both of you. If he has any commitment to you and your relationship, he will take it seriously. If he doesn't, he's telling you all you need to know.

Has he had his testosterone levels checked?

Don't talk to us, talk to him. No other way round this one. Stop oral sex, use your mouth to talk first.

What was your sex life like in the beginning?

If he does have sex with a random woman , how will you know whether he's less inhibited unless you watch ?

Sounds like you have a similar situation to me with my wife. Always me to initiate, always me trying to add excitement / enthusiasm, always me turning the conversation serious every few months when I can't take the stonewalling any longer. Then I'm told everything is fine and I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill.

I have characterised it before as trying to make someone else eat brussell sprouts. You may love sprouts, but if the other person doesn't, nothing you say will result in anything better than them 'doing it just for you' or a straight refusal.

Sooner or later you realise you're going to have to choose to live with the situation, or get out.

He might not be interested in a random woman...but he might be interested in a random man...

Could he have some long standing psychological issues about sex - that it's bad / dirty etc.
May be the way he was raised , taught about sex , witnessed something or had something happen to him. It's worth considering because he does it out of needing to. Rejecting anything flirty , the build up or trying something slightly different may mean he has a mental block on letting himself enjoy it.

I was your DH in my marriage, in fact I thought that maybe I just wasn't into sex at all. After we split I found that totally wasn't true, I just wasn't attracted to him. I did love him but stuff throughout the years had worn away that attraction until sec felt skin-crawly and weird. It wasn't the same with someone else - but even if I'd have had sex with another man it would on,y have highlighted the difference rather than making me want to jump him.

Just a thought, but could the random
person be a gateway for you to also explore outside of your marriage? (This is not an accusation, I could not stay in a marriage without a fulfilling sex life, so know that it is highly likely I would fantasise about straying under your circumstances)

I'm sad for you OP. I spent years trying different things to excite exDH.

I always had a sex drive. He didnt. I tried compromise, he didn't.

Almost destroyed by his selfishness, I can't see how I will ever be attractive again. I've no mojo, no confidence.

Don't let this continue for too long...speak up. Have the scary conversations. Good luck.