I think I might be asexual

[AlphaOmicronPi]

I think I might be asexual. Anyone else?

I've been pondering this for a while and I think I am. Or as good as. I've had quite a few relationships but it's dawning on me that I think about sex differently than a lot of other people.

For a start, I very rarely feel sexual attraction. I think the last time was about 20 years ago when I was at university. Even then, it was fairly fleeting. I lost my virginity when I was 21 because I was curious and because I thought that if I did it, I might see what the fuss was about. I didn't. The experience was painful and utterly underwhelming.

Since then I've had a few longish relationships. When I got together with a new partner, it was because I enjoyed their company and I wanted them to want me. But I didn't particularly want to have sex with them. In fact, a lot of the time my instinctive reaction to having sex with someone (even someone I like) is 'yuk'.

That's not to say that I don't enjoy sex at all. I do sometimes but not in the way other people do I don't think. I've done it because I love the intimacy of it, because I like that it makes my partner feel good, because my partner wanted to, because I felt I 'should' want to, because I wanted a baby. But I don't think I've ever had sex purely because I felt sexual desire for my partner. And that's not normal is it?

I do masterbate though. My research online suggests many asexual don't. But I have always done so as an adult. I enjoy this far more than I do being with a partner. I don't understand at all when other people talk about how much better it is to do these things with a partner. Because for me it's really not.

I have been single for nearly 4 years now and don't miss sex at all. I miss the intimacy that goes along with it, I miss cuddles and I miss having someone around who thinks I'm great. But I don't miss sex.

I think I would like a relationship again. But I'm not bothered about sex at all. So where does that leave me? I'm worried that I will be lonely for the rest of my life because I can't function the way other people do.

Sounds like asexuality to me but i don't claim to be an expert. I have an asexual male friend and he only masturbates but not often. I also know a lovely asexual (we think) guy looking for romance and intimacy only. He's been having a difficult time and has only just worked out it seems to be asexuality and that an asexual woman/relationship is what he needs. I'll PM his pof profile if you want?

I'm not sure about this either. Romance and intimacy is good but how far does it go? Does it include mutual masturbation including oral stimulation? is it the PIV aspect of sex you don't like? Is the masturbation just a tension release or does it include sexual fantasy? Is there something that happened in your childhood that could have affected you and your outlook?
So lots of questions unanswered. Maybe a chat to sex therapist would help you understand your self more. Try the BACP for a therapist in your region.

I am asexual. I don't masturbate. I do look at guys and think that they are handsome and i enjoy flirting, but sex left me cold. I never orgasmed. I did quite enjoy the intimacy when I was married, but he was selfish in bed, which didn't help my enjoyment of sex. i only realised I was asexual after the divorce. It doesn't bother me in the slightest and I am quite happy alone.

noego. Sex therapy is an interesting idea. I could never afford it unfortunately (single parent, low income) but I think I do have some unresolved issues around sex.

I've always had problems with low self esteem and I wonder sometimes if what I feel is caught up with that. As a young teenager, I remember sitting in a sex ed lesson and thinking 'this doesn't really apply to me as I'm so unattractive nobody will ever want to have sex with me.' I had the idea (probably from films and glossy novels) that only attractive people had sex. It sounds ridiculous now, but I was a sheltered teen and the idea that average and even ugly people might have and enjoy sex didn't occur to me until I was really quite old. So I wonder if, at a young age, I sort of opted myself out?

And when I have had sex, I've never really been able to get into the moment. I think about how ridiculous I must look and I'm worried about being overheard or my partner thinking about me negatively. Plus, PIV has never done much for me. I think I must be wired wrongly or something because I've never enjoyed it. It's not that it's painful (although occasionally it is) it's just that I barely feel anything at all most of the time. It's worse since having children. I don't mind oral (either giving or receiving) and have been able to orgasm that way. I have yet to meet a man who can manually stimulate me in the way I like though - my ex, even after years of marriage and attempted guidance was always much too heavy handed.

When I masterbate I do fantasise. Occasionally these fantasies invlove me but I generally find it more arousing to think about other people together (not something I'd ever want IRL BTW - being a spectator doesn't appeal at all).

So in short, I don't know. I think I have a lot of issues.

Sorry OP... Your post sounds sad.

FWIW - you don't sound assexual to me. I think you've had some confidence issues as a teenager and then didn't get lucky with your partners...
Sometimes it takes an unselfish partner to switch things on. For example, when I just started having sex - I didn't use to orgasm with partners. Only on my own. Until a new BF who said - hang on - that's not right - let's see if we can find a way.
And that helped me to relax, and start enjoying it more. And, in a chain reaction - helped the desire and attraction.
It's all connected.

You masturbate and you orgasm on your own. And with partners - I think you just don't get to the point of being able to relax and be confident enough to show them what and how you need it.

I don't have any advice. Just hoping and wishing that you meet someone you like, and maybe you'll open up and experience new sensations.

Sex doesn't have to just be about PIV - all kinds of intimacy are OK - as long as this is what two people want!!!
So don't beat yourself up - for liking it this or that way. And - if you meet someone you like - just be honest and don't force yourself into anything

Some of us just aren't bothered. Given the choice, I'd rather not be messed with.

Even if you can't get enough of someone to start with, it wears off pretty quickly and becomes a chore.

Could have written your post OP. I'm ASD. Is that a possibility for you? Your description of not being really in the moment and analysing it all sounds very familiar to me. Just a thought and I don't intend any offence.

I don't know if it has anything to do with a condition. But it could have a lot to do with programming and conditioning from an early age and this has created a psychological block somewhere in the mind.

No offence taken at all Allofaflumble but I honestly don't think so. Although I do suffer from anxiety, I 'get' social rules and pick up on subtleties. I have a good imagination and find it easy to read people so I don't think I fit the profile?

I'm beginning to think other posters are right and that my issues may be connected to be low self esteem and whatnot.

Thanks everyone. This is all very helpful.

It seems you are coming down on the side of low self esteem. This is also something that could have been triggered in childhood or in a previous relationship. just a comment is enough to cause this sort of issue in someone. It nestles in the psyche and plays its part negatively. Perhaps once this is addressed you might be able to relax with a partner and achieve that "be in the moment."

Its another thing that is on a spectrum. There are lots of variations of what people like and feel. Often it's not 100% or 00% either. There's some good websites out there if you want to know more. Or just go with the flow - don't try to force something to happen or shut out possibilities if they appear. Good luck.

"Your description of not being really in the moment and analysing it all sounds very familiar to me. "

That's very common when people feel inhibited and not very confident. I think that's what OP feels, but then I don't believe in asexuality.

I am asexual, I don't experience sexual attraction and the idea of sex is unpleasant to me (especially oral sex or other types of sexual activity) I'm ok with kissing and other forms of intimacy (hair stroking, cuddling, hugging). There is a difference between 'sex-drive' and sexual attraction, some asexuals have a sex-drive and satisfy this with masturbation or with sex with other people, they just don't feel sexually attracted to other people. I do not masturbate because it literally does nothing for me.

I'm unsure about my own personal romantic attraction...I'm not really sure where the 'line' is between romantic feelings and really good friend feelings is, which makes it all more complicated.

Gwen I'm interested in your comment, do you have any questions about asexuality? It's a little hard to hear that people don't believe in it, although you wouldn't be the only person who thinks that way, quite often you don't get the chance to hear people's personal experiences about it...it is still pretty rare.

There's nothing wrong with experimenting with the asexuality label, if you feel it suits you, or with using it for a bit while you figure things out.

Hi Loops, I don't have any questions. I just don't believe in it as a separate, fixed identity. You say it's hard to hear that, so I better avoid an argument with you over it.

You say it's quite rare, yet talk of it is very common and I just wanted to give OP my point of view. I'm very concerned about people having problems with sex being made to think they're asexual.

That's ok :) yeh, I do think there's a general misunderstanding of it... without wanting to be 'gate-keeping' if you experience sexual attraction then you're not asexual, asexuality isn't a catch all for people struggling with sex for other reasons and treating it as such does a huge disservice to people who need other support.

I'm not really wanting to argue either (it's too hot haha) but thought I'd offer the chance to ask questions in case you'd like to :)

I personally feel like my asexuality is pretty fixed haha although I do wonder sometimes if it will change in future, but then I view sexuality as fluid to a point anyway.

"thought I'd offer the chance to ask questions in case you'd like to smile"

Well, I'm going to have to take the bait since you've repeated your offer of answering my questions. That's a very patronising thing to say.

There is no scientific basis for asexuality, just a group of people trying to lobby for it. I realise it can help some people, but I also think it has the potential to be very damaging if people with sexual problems believe they were born like that and will stay like that forever.

Sorry! Wasn't trying to be patronising :/ fairly standard in my circles to offer to answer questions for people who don't seem familiar with a topic.

I do see your point, although there's no basis for any sexuality that we fully 'know' yet, it's likely to be genetic.

You could just as easily state that people who are gay are only gay due to a problem, and if that problem were fixed they might not be gay anymore.

For some people, that may be absolutely true, and if individuals wish to work through their physical, psychological, and emotional problems to then figure out where they are placed on the kinsey scale that's great! But you couldn't say to everyone who is gay "You might just be experiencing problems with people of a different sex to you, get therapy" sort of along the lines of "you just haven't met the right person".

Do you view sexuality as fairly fixed? If not then it's all fairly changeable anyway, so the likelihood of forever identifying in exactly the same way from puberty to death is small.

Asexuality has zero to do with sex...like, it doesn't mean people can't have sex, don't want sex, can't orgasm, don't masturbate etc...

An asexual can have and want sex, can enjoy sex and masturbation, can orgasm. The only thing they do not experience is sexual attraction, and seeing as sexual attraction isn't something related to hormones or biology (in any known way) there's no fix for that.

Some asexuals, just like some sexuals, don't really like sex and choose not to have it, some don't masturbate. Within this group, some might have actual physiological problems with sex.

Like I said, I don't want sex (think it's weird, and seems gross haha) but I've never bothered having any tests done on whether there's a reason for that, because even with a sex-drive I don't experience sexual attraction so it doesn't bother me to not have sex.

It is 'rare' something like 2% of the population is asexual, and this has always been the case, 2% is small but still a lot of people. There will likely be more who are 'a-spec' and less who are also aromantic. The lobby is to have it treated as valid in society, and at the very least mentioned when teaching young people about sexual orientations, because then they won't have to get their information from tumblr.

I actually agree with you that labels can be harmful, but only when applied by somebody else. Because as individuals we can choose to apply, change, ignore, whatever label we want to. When others label us, it becomes a lot harder to escape that label.

I don't think that someone with problems with sex is automatically asexual, or that an asexual can't also have problems with sex that they want help for. I don't view those things as mutually exclusive, and really don't know anyone who does?

OP doesn't come across to me as ace, I don't know what sexual attraction feels like, but it does seem that there's some level of it present in OPs relationships. Saying that, it would be very arrogant to tell someone else how they ID or that their ID doesn't exist.

Loops - you've written that as if you were a teacher and me your student. As if you have the 'truth' and I don't. It's very patronising.

I've heard asexuals say that asexuality is to do with a lack of attraction, but it's more generally used in the population as a lack of interest in sex, sort of a more positive way of saying 'frigid', which is why I think there's a danger of anyone who doesn't want to have sex at a certain period in time using the term 'asexual' and believing like you do above that it's a genetic thing rather than just a period of celibacy.

I think it's especially worrying that you want to present this as an option to young people. It's normal for young people not to feel ready yet! I've read on MN about someone's teenager thinking they were asexual! They weren't even grow up yet, but taking on that identity.

It's not the same as for being gay as there is some scientific basis for homosexuality.