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Original poster

Husband doesn't want sex

22 replies

Sailingfreak · 30/05/2017 14:00

So what would you do. Been having a rough patch with husband, now tells me he wants to stay married, loves me and kids, loves cuddles, closeness, still finds me attractive... But the sexual chemistry has gone and he doesn't want to/won't be able to have sex with me again.
So what would you do? For full info, I am 47, he is 43. We have two teenage kids and run a business together. Have been hovering on the brink of a separation but now he's presenting me with this new 'deal': we stay together, but no sex. He says he won't seek sex with anyone else, just going to live without it, which he is prepared to do in order to keep all the other good things we have together.
I'm just not sure I can! On the other hand, destroying the family and losing everything we have together just for the sake of sex seems a bit excessive and weird.
Thoughts?

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 30/05/2017 14:07

It would be a no deal from me unless you are ok to seek sex outside the marriage
Would that be ok with him?

HerOtherHalf · 30/05/2017 14:14

I don't understand the problem. Is he saying he has no libido whatsoever or just that he doesn't want sex with you? If the former then he should at least look into whether there is a medical or psychological reason before consigning you both to a purely platonic relationship. If the latter then I don't believe he will stick to the "no sex with anyone" promise.

polkadotsrock · 30/05/2017 14:18

It's never going to work, purely because it is what he wants with no compromise for what you want. How could it ever work? PP makes a good point around is it sex with you or sex at all that he doesn't want?

Allconsumingshitstorm · 30/05/2017 14:40

Sorry OP he's not being fair on you. Sex makes the difference between a great friendship and a marriage/relationship. This isn't good enough. If it were me, I'd split. Good luck x

Original poster
Sailingfreak · 30/05/2017 14:43

@HerOtherHalf he is saying he has libido but doesn't want sex with me. He says it's just run out of steam, he no longer feels the urge and doesn't want to force himself.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 30/05/2017 14:44

If both partners are happy sexless marriages can work. But not for me, no way. I'd be packing my bags.

Original poster
Sailingfreak · 30/05/2017 14:46

It's a really difficult one though - what do we say to people (mainly the kids): 'He didn't want sex with me any more' sounds pathetic. Don't other people find their relationships run out of steam sexually, what do they do?

OP posts:
Eminado · 30/05/2017 14:50

Hi sorry this would be relationship ending for me.

What if he finds "new steam" with someone else in 5 years, since he still has libido? Sad

Original poster
Sailingfreak · 30/05/2017 15:05

I guess I'm hoping that things might improve. But truth is our sex life wasn't really rocking even years ago so never going to be amazing. I just don't know how important sex is for most people, at this age/stage of relationship (20 plus years)

OP posts:
polkadotsrock · 30/05/2017 15:07

It doesn't matter how important it is to other people- how important is it to you? And embarrassment about reasons for leaving is not a good reason to stay, so take that off the table when you're making your decision

HerOtherHalf · 30/05/2017 15:24

@HerOtherHalf he is saying he has libido but doesn't want sex with me. He says it's just run out of steam, he no longer feels the urge and doesn't want to force himself.

That just doesn't make sense. You said in your OP that he's confirmed he still finds you attractive and he's saying he still has a sex drive. Yet he doesn't want sex with you. Sorry, he's not being completely honest about something. The two of you need to talk it through and be completely honest, you deserve that at least.

Run4Fun · 30/05/2017 15:35

Flowers It's a tough problem. I would sit down with him again and discuss the finer details of this 'deal'. If he had a libido, it would suggest he feels 'up for it' how does he cope with this without having sex? Is he watching port? Could he have an underlying health problem? There is something he is not telling you.

FetchezLaVache · 30/05/2017 15:46

I would understand it if he had just lost all libido and I would be a bit more sympathetic to him if he had given you his blessing to look for sex outside your marriage - but it just all smacks a little bit of having his cake and eating it, really.

It just doesn't ring true that a healthy 43-year-old man with any degree of sexual appetite would genuinely and enthusiastically decide to abstain for the rest of his life.

If I were a betting woman, I'd have a fiver on his having an OW who is happy with the status quo (married herself, for instance) and he just doesn't want the hassle and expense of ending your marriage and losing your input into the business.

AceholeRimmer · 30/05/2017 15:54

What an awful thing to hear... he still has a libido but not for you. I'm not sure that could be resolved to be honest.. I would be leaving. Sex is important to me. But even if it wasn't, hearing that he does still want it but not with me would be hard... I would feel so unwanted. You have to work out if you can live the rest of your life feeling undesired. Life is short..
If you did split up you wouldn't need to tell anyone the reason.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/05/2017 15:59

Personally I'd tell him to get lost but not sure that's great advice.

Wrt telling others you don't have to go into details ' it didn't work out, he'd /we'd been unhappy for some time' is fine or ' we both wanted different things from life and we weren't happy together.'

Good luck with whatever you decide x

user1471596238 · 30/05/2017 16:02

I think that polkadotsrock has hit the nail on the head. It doesn't matter what other people do in their relationship and it's not a lame reason for questioning a relationship. For a lot of couples, sex is a valid and vital part of a relationship. For me, it would be sonething I would have to think about because at 42, I don't feel like my desire has waned and I couldn't imagine no sex for the rest of my life. If however it's something that you can live with and it's not the be-all end-all then that's a different kettle of fish. Could try counselling maybe?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 30/05/2017 16:03

I am with FetchezLaVache ...he is checking out of your marriage, but still wants the prestige of being a FamilyMan with his Family Business, nice house, children, with you to manage all the bits he doesn't care for

Cannot think of any average man alive who would claim he finds you sexy, attractive but wo't have sex.....there are some serious ishoos there somewhere, if not a paramour.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/05/2017 16:08

The other thing to consider is if you do stay together there's the possibility that you will meet someone and you will leave anyway. I'd say that's a strong possibility as you are only 42 and ime 45+ is when the really great sex starts. So don't sell yourself short.

Happybunny19 · 31/05/2017 14:04

It's another no from me too. Me and DP have been together over two decades but the sexual connection is stronger than ever. I don't think it's possible to even stay friends with someone who can tell you he has a libido but just doesn't want sex with you, regardless of your needs or desires. Did he even bother to ask what you want long term? Does he even care?

Original poster
Sailingfreak · 31/05/2017 14:58

No he did ask me what I want - and he knows what I want, but can't/won't give it! Anyway I feel a bit clearer having had responses which universally back up the case for separation - and also having read some of the other threads on this topic (of which there are many). Seems there are a lot of us out there dealing with this issue :(

OP posts:
feelingoldandtired · 01/06/2017 08:02

I'd have to end the marriage it's not just about sex it's
About closeness and how eventually this will affect your confidence and sled worth. Questions that
Would role around in my head would be why dosent he fancy me or want to be close to me.
I've been married 17 years and I get irritated after 4 days it's a physical need for most.

AkimboLimbo · 01/06/2017 22:05

He isn't being honest with you. What he has said does not make sense. He's also been incredibly selfish by dumping this on you without a moment's thought to what you want or need and pushing for a definitive answer when he is not willing to make any attempt to look at any other options.

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