*trigger warning* dp sexually assaulted

[Babyonboard101]

NC for obvious reasons. Posting with dp permission also. Don't really know where to post this so sorry if here isn't the right place and sorry it's so long but please bare with me.

Been with dp for 5 months and a few nights ago we were discussing the abuse I suffered as a child and during this he stated he knew how I felt more than I realised...

He then told me that when he was 12 his step brother who was 15 at the time had raped him, then for the following two weeks made dp perform sexual acts on him. At the time dp didn't know what sex was or what any of that actually was so "did what he was told" as he was scared and never told anyone and was threatened by the step brother to not tell anyone.

I'm the first person he has ever told and I don't know what to say. He says he dealt with it himself years ago and as he no longer has contact with the sibling it doesn't bother him as he never thinks about it. I'm in shock and don't know what to do to help him especially as he breaks down whenever it's mentioned now. It explains a lot of behaviour that he displays but I just don't know what to do. He doesn't want to tell anyone else and feels so ashamed of what happened I feel awful for him and just want to look after him. So I don't know what the point in this is, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest and be able to have a clear mind so I can help him. He won't talk to me or anyone about it anymore so any advice would be much appreciated towards helping him and helping me come to terms with it all.

I know how you feel. My dh revealed to me he had been sexually abused many years ago by a man who eventually went to prison for abusing other children. Dh never reported it.

It's affected him so much, beyond what he realises. It's led to some issues in our marriage because his boundaries are skewed and his understanding of sexual behaviour too. He won't get help - his job makes that difficult (too revealing to mention here). But I know he needs help.

It's very sad OP because it's not as "out there" as it is for women. Very few men speak out about it and I understand why.

I was a victim of sexual abuse myself and i still deal with that myself but I had years of counselling and CBT which really helped me.

I don't know what to advise but you're not alone

This sounds exactly like my ex. He was raped and abused by his step brother at a young age, and saw it happening to his Mother also. It deeply affected him and left him with a lot of issues that he never really dealt with (whilst I knew him anyway)

I'm not sure what you can do if your DP says he has dealt with it, but breaking down when it's mentioned makes it seem like that isn't exactly the case. I'd personally just let him know that if he ever needs to talk about it you are there for him, but I'd be suggesting some sort of counselling as I'm not sure that's something you can ever really get over.

Thanks, I was also raped and threatened repeatedly (disassociated myself from it so I can talk about it more openly) while in an abusive relationship and it's screwed me up royally. I know how dealing with it on my own affected me and I just feel awful that I wasn't there to help him through it at the time, even though I'd have only been 8! I just feel so empty and I need to look after him but it's brought back lots for myself and I don't want to be selfish or make it about me but I don't know how to be strong like he needs me to be.... We're both so lost atm....

I find it really distressing imagining how he must have felt when it was happening and afterwards too. He's never really dealt with it and probably never will.

Day to day he's fine, most of the time in fact but every so often he displays behaviour which i know is a direst result of what horrors he went through.

Just be open and let him know you can help if he wants. Perhaps research centres near you, you might be able to call and make enquiries about how he can get help if he changes his mind

Try and get him to talk to NAPAC.

he,s told you for a reason perhaps he is now ready to address it. talk to him and agree not to mention it unless he brings it up . the first step was telling you , and see if you could for a professional helpline . everyone on her means well but think it,s one for the experts

My DP was raped aged 12 too He told me 8 years ago and I was so shocked as he is such a happy person.. Throughout the years though it is obvious the effect it has had. He puts on a brilliant cover but deep down he is really fucked up.. hates people, trusts no-one, has to control his sexual boundaries.. It's so awful that an abusers quick thrill lasts a lifetime for the abused. There needs to be far more awareness and openness about male rape as I'm sure it's more common than anyone thinks.

Forgot to add.. I know you want to do something OP, I did too. But my DP just wanted to tell me so it explained some of his behaviours sometimes. The best I could do for him was to carry on loving him, carry on as normal so he doesn't worry I think differently of him now, and assure him I wouldn't tell anyone. Be strong for him

Name changed. Aged 12 I was sexual abused - masturbating me to climax. Big fat slob.

It certainly affected my first marriage, sex for her was a disaster but thinking I was over it, never mentioned it. I realise now I was wrong.

It happened over sixty years ago, been with DW nearly forty and yet it was probably about three years ago I told her. In general I've hidden well but know I go to dark places, in public I'm fine but don't seek friends, trust no-one and DW who, in our younger days, would've loved me to just 'take' her, but I could never do such a thing. We're fairly free with each other in conversation, I'm impotent, her libido's gone but we can laugh about it together. People see us as very close and we are - I still wish that abuse, my first climax that way had faded more. Still I feel the guilt and at one time thought being punished might help, but our hearts weren't in it.

OP, I feel for your both andI echo others, just love him and be there for him which is what you're doing.

So good to hear people talking so openly about abuse,especially male victims.
I can vouch for NAPAC...in the West Mids we have a wonderful organisation called RSVP...the CEO also runs GINA...both on Twitter & Facebook.
Abuse effects all relationships & really alter the way you interact in a partnership/marriage...It effected me both in terms of needing control & misunderstanding intimacy needn't mean I had to have sex.
After my disclosure I also used Relate & The Samaritans initially...before finding RSVP.
Sending so much positive energy to you all x