He doesn't want to have sex with me.

[Graceflorrick]

Any advice greatly appreciated.

I am married to a lovely man. We've been together for 20 years and I've always felt that he found me attractive and was keen to have sex whenever I wanted to have sex, usually more often than me.

Over the last few months he's been really reluctant to have sex with me, he doesn't initiate any closeness between us and never tells me that I look nice.

For information, I look the same as I always have, and without wanting to sound boastful I still get quite a bit of male attention even though I'm late 30s. We have no financial worries, his job isn't stressful.

The only things that I can think have changed is that we were TTC again, weren't successful, tried IVF which also didn't work and have given up and I thought had decided to just be grateful with the amazing DC we have. AND, perhaps more importantly I am suddenly earning lots more money. Lots more than him actually, I earn his monthly salary in a week. I'm wondering if one or both of these issues has affected the way he feels about me sexually?

No change in his behaviour towards me, he's always lovely. He just doesn't seem interested in me and when I suggest sex tells me that he's tired. I've told him how I feel and he's understanding but still doesn't want to have sex with me.

I'm wondering if this is the beginning of the end. His lack of interest is making me feel disinterested in him too, probably as a form of protection.

Has anyone experienced this and the situation improved?

I think in your husbands head, sex has become functional whilst TTC & it's all been PIV.
Have a warts & all convo, with nothing off limits & discover what each other like that isn't going through the motions

Yes, I did wonder if it's that but he hasn't said that, he's using 'tired' as the reason. I have spoken to him but he just keeps insisting we don't have any issues, when clearly something isn't

Is it a slight bit of depression at not being able to have another DC? He might have imagined the future one way and that's changed now and he's just getting round to accepting it?

He should be able to be open with you for the reasons though, it sounds like a real shame that he can't especially as it's affecting how you feel towards him

It might be I guess. He says not and it was him that made the final decision to give up?

The reason we can't have more DC lies with me though, it could be that because I can't give him more DC he's less attracted to me?

How long has it been since both of you made the decision to stop trying?

To conceive that is

Is he the kind of man who struggles to talk about emotions? It might be worth trying a couple of sessions with a counsellor, or attending a marriage course?

It has been a while since IVF failed and a few months of heading towards the decision to stop TTC.

He's really good at talking about his feelings, he's such a lovely man.

It has crossed my mind that he might have met someone else, but I don't think he'd have time.

When you say a few months heading to the decision to stop TTC, does that mean you only decided to actually stop really recently? Can't help but think that blow of not having the chance to have another DC is affecting him more than either he is willing to let on or maybe just more than he realises.

If it is this then it's something time will heal and he just needs your support through it

We've had a number of years of TTC (have one DD) without success - and, have recently decided to 'stop'

It does get 'functional', and, from that background, once you think no more DC are on the cards, it can feel like their is no point in DTD.

There is an element of depression in this, I agree.

Thanks for the replies. I'm wondering about suggesting counselling, I can't believe we're actually in this position, I never thought we'd be at risk of separating.

Sometimes it's the lovely men who although seem good and open about their feelings only actually only give you a version of their feelings that the please other people. It may seem like they are open and caring, a good talker and listener (and this is true, they are) but there is often a darker and repressed side to the lovely man. It is the curse of the lovely man that he prides him self on being lovely and pleasing to the people he loves but often at emotional cost to him self. He can be too scared to truly exspose his true deeper feelings, the darker corners of his mind because he is scared of what the people who love him would think and that it would damage him as a lovely man. Being a lovely man is a great virtue but is he truly expressing his feeling with you or a version of his feelings that are palletible to you and everyone else?

Because the real danger of the situation as I see it is not being able to truly understand his feelings.

Spot on 1dad2kids.....was thinking similar.....