Sex after a bereavement

[cowardlync]

I'm sorry I've been a coward and nc,

I feel a little embarrassed and silly asking this but google hasn't brought up any helpful answers.

My mum died a few months ago, I'm getting on with things the best I can, I'm grieving I get that and I'm assuming that all my feelings are 'normal' given the circumstances.

My dh has been great, incredibly supportive. This issue for me is sex. I want to have sex with my dh and be intimate but I just can't get past how inappropriate it feels, dh has never initiated anything nor expected anything since mum died, we've talked about my feelings and he understands and has never made me feel bad at all.

I don't know why I can't do it, I don't know if it's because I think she's watching (she's obviously not) or if I feel it's disrespectful.

Is this normal?

I'm sorry about your mum cowardly.

Not exactly the same thing but I found the idea of having sex with my DH when he was grieving for his father a bit... wrong. I'm not really sure why, maybe for similar reasons that you are struggling? I know what you mean about it feeling inappropriate.

I think it takes a while after a bereavement to be able to allow yourself to have moments of happiness, and sex will fall into that category. I remember laughing at an episode of Friends a month or so after my father died and feeling guilty that I'd laughed - I was horrified at myself. But after a while you get better able to manage the grief and work out that alongside the sadness you can also have your moments of happiness - you can still enjoy your kids, have sex, laugh at Friends, and it doesn't mean you felt less about the person you lost, and it also doesn't mean you're not still mourning. You'll get there - but you have to sort of allow yourself to get there, if that makes sense. Have you thought about bereavement counselling at all? Cruse are very good.

I agree, I found it tough after losing my Mum. I even joked to DP that "its weird because now she can see everything we do" too but it just felt like an inappropriate act to do during a sombre time.

It, of course, depends on the individual so give yourself the time that you need and if you feel ready don't feel like you shouldn't. Grief is personal and everyone grieves in different ways.

I felt the same way and it took months. I thought what if she can see everything? I also had major guilt watching her favourite TV shows, eating foods she loved. It's been 18 months since she died and it does get so much easier it just takes time.

Sex goes wierd after losing a parent, no doubt.

The good news is that once you get over the first time, it doesn't keep feeling wierd after that so much.

I didn't have your experience - in fact, after losing my mum and dad, years apart, I craved sex. I think it was both affirmation that I was alive, and also a way of forgetting what was going on for a bit.

I think your response, as mine was!, is entirely normal though - don't worry that it isn't, but I would recommend getting back on that er herm, horse when you're ready. Don't feel guilty. I can't imagine your mother would have wanted you to close down that side of you.

I'm so relived that not the only one. It's not that I don't want to, I really do, I just can't it feels so wrong at the moment.

I think you are going to just have to throw yourself in to it, and see how it goes. You say it's been a few months now, and that's a long time to not be intimate with your partner. I think it would do you a world of good too. Sorry for your loss, btw.

Sorry for you loss.

I'll be honest and say that I find bereavement to this extent difficult to understand. I feel sad that family and friends have died but, to me, its about them and their role in my life and they didnt have anything to do with my sex life.

I wonder if you have now linked sex with that person and the feelings of sadness so much that sex itself is linked to that person so its that link that feels odd. Getting in the mood for sex and thinking of a dead person isnt going to work really.

Rather than let your bereavement dominate every aspect of your thinking (I am assuming this is the case as it got as far as sex with your husband), perhaps get a little counselling to help deal with that and changing your memories to positive ones. You are allowed to be happy in your life, even when people have died. Celebrate the life that was lost and celebrate your own life with your husband.

I had the sane thing too OP, all I can tell you is that i echo the post above that says once you do it, it doesn't continue to be wierd. It's really only the first time. If you love and trust your dp I'd go for it and get it out of the way so to speak.
You might find the intimacy reassuring as well x x
Good luck