Can you have a happy marriage if you have terrible sex?

[katedan]

Firstly I would like to say I love my DH he is a little lovely husband and a great father however he is terrible in bed. He had only one partner before we met where's I had had a few. When the kids were little sex was not high up the agenda but now the kids are older I want some great sex ( the type I had pre DH) however although we are not missionary only couple the sex with DH is really lacking. I try not to compare with the past but I am starting to resent him and get cross that he thinks are sex life is fine.

Is he up to experimenting? Sometimes someone needs training up.

I don't think it's possible.

Have you tried leading It or telling him what you want?

No you can't.
Is he prepared to learn?

He is sensitive about the conversation of sex and we have to try hard not to lead to a row. I have suggested watching porn together to give him ideas. Another sticking point is I am turned on by a man taking charge and he struggles to feel confident in this role. I have tried toys and dressing up for him but there is no sexual chemistry between us.This is starting to bother me more and more but I don't want my marriage to end. Do I put up and shut up and just diy more?

I know this doesn't really help now, but why did you marry him if there's no sexual chemistry?

Do I put up and shut up and just diy more? In a very similar situation and that's how it's worked out for me .

IMO, no you can't. What happens when the children get older and leave? You'll be housemates.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you end up marrying him if he was always that terrible in bed? Each to their own but that's a deal breaker for me

It's a big problem if he knows you're not happy but because he is, he can't be arsed doing anything about it. Very selfish attitude.

No, definitely not.

Was there sexual chemistry in the beginning OP? If so I would think you can work it out between you to recover that chemistry. But If it wasn't ever there I don't know what to advise as I've not been in a relationship where that chemistry wasn't there at the start. If you love each other I would hope you can work it out. Someone once said that sex is all about communication and I find that true- really talking and sharing and becoming more and more trusting and vulnerable and open to each other is a big aphrodisiac.

Thank you for your comments. In hindsight I was naive to marry him. I loved him and thought that would be enough and tbh thought sex would get better. However I do love him, he is good looking, hard working and loves me it is sex that is our only issue.

You need to talk and be truthful whether that causes an arguement or not.

What about using a bullet for clitoral stimulation whilst having sex and when he gives oral sex? If he is nervous taking control as himself would he be up for role play with him in control? There's defo ways you can make it work.

How about a deal where one night you do everything the way he wants to do it and the next night you do everything your way.
Start off a bit vanilla and slowly spice it up.

Is he lacking in confidence because he's not sure what you want or because he feels uncomfortable in the roll of 'person in charge'? If you could direct him very clearly and tell him exactly what you want whilst in the act it might help or is the sex bad because you want him to dominate but he wants you to dominate? If so maybe you could take it in turns?

Kate the key for me is in your first post "I am begining to resent him" from personal experience this will grow unless you can change things. I went for the diy option for a few reasons (excuses) and has resulted in survival/existance only. I could not recommend this for you or anyone

Terrible sex is better than none, we are both so knackered it's a rare occasion. Seriously though as the kids get older they stay awake longer and are aware of what may be going on which can have a negative effect. Can you get away for a coup,e of days just the 2 of you then you can sit and talk and maybe try new things without any chance of interruption or distraction? We call our DD2 the sex police as she seems to sense when we are even thinking about things and comes in! Sex is important but keep hold of the good things about him too.

Can you explain exactly what it is that's so bad?
I think if you can kind of address that, there might be some hope... there might be little because of the chemistry but also super polite trying not to hurt his feelings isn't helping either of you!

Been there. In my experience, no. If everything else is good, do try to work it out. I hope you find a way.
My ex was not open to fixing the bad sex. So the bad sex became no sex. And that was the beginning of the end.

I have suggested watching porn together to give him ideas.

Ideas about how to be even worse at sex?

I couldn't marry dh if the sex was bad it would have been a deal breaker for me aswell. If he's not open to learning then I don't know what to suggest if he's not willing to learn.

It is not a problem that he isn't good, the problem is that he lacks sexual growth beliefs, as in taking steps to improve. From what you are describing, I guess he is just not feeling it and I am not sure why that is - could be worth consulting with an expert.

What's he actually doing badly? Show and tell him how to do it if he's doing it in a way you don't like.