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Original poster

Nothing for 4 years, how can I get him to talk?

20 replies

ISolemlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 03/02/2017 20:54

Sorry for long post... Any advice appreciated please.

DP and I have been together for almost 5 years now, have a house together and discussed marriage etc. We get on well, no major arguments, but lack intimacy and haven't dtd for around 4.5 years...!

We had a great sex life when we started dating until DP had a brief breakdown and was diagnosed with anxiety. He was on medication for just over a year which caused impotence and that side of things has never recovered. GP said it's a side effect of medication and will come back in time. I did my best to be patient and understanding in the beginning but I just can't take it anymore! I never considered myself to have a high sex drive but I've gone without for so long and recently I seem to want it more and more.

I have tried to speak to DP about this but he gets embarrassed and defensive and refuses to get into any sort of discussion about how we can move on. I don't want to break up but I feel like we're just friends who live together and I don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

There was one incident a year ago where he admitted to sending inappropriate messages to a woman at work with whom I knew he had a flirty relationship before we got together. I was absolutely devastated as he has not even slightly flirted with me in such a long time. This did have a huge effect on my trust in him but we managed to get through. What can I do?

OP posts:

AkimboLimbo · 03/02/2017 22:04

So only 6 months of your 5 year relationship has involved sex?

There's no communication and no sex, and he dabbled in inappropriate text messages with another woman.

I honestly can't see a solution to this.

ivykaty44 · 03/02/2017 22:06

I think you are just friends and he's not into you in a physical way.

empirerecordsrocked · 03/02/2017 22:06

So you only had sex for six months of your relationship?

Original poster

ISolemlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 03/02/2017 22:18

For the first 6 or so months yes, then like I said he was quite ill with mental health problems. We had a great relationship up to that point so I stood by him, and we continued to develop our relationship. At the beginning he said it was a side effect of the medications and thought it would come back but it hasn't. He admitted to the messages, I didn't catch him out and would never have known but he knew it was wrong and wanted to be honest with me. We have a lot of fun and are very close, we can communicate about anything else, I just think he's embarrassed and so doesn't want to discuss it. It wasn't such a big problem as I knew he was doing his best to get better, just this last year has been really hard. I don't want to just walk away, we've both invested a lot in this relationship and would like a future together.

OP posts:

AkimboLimbo · 03/02/2017 23:46

It sounds like you've invested too much to allow yourself to walk away, despite the fact that this is a friendship and not a relationship.
If he won't talk about it, it will never even begin to be resolved.
This isn't important to him so he doesn't need to do anything. Just because he has ED, that doesn't mean there can be no intimacy.
This is the rest of your life you are looking at. It's not going to get better.

Againagain97 · 04/02/2017 08:39

I'm sorry, but walk away.

He's too embarrassed to discuss it just isn't acceptable. He's basically saying put up and shut up.

Sex may not be everything in a relationship but no sex is not a relationship.

Invest no more time in someone unwilling to even discuss the situation with you.

ElspethFlashman · 04/02/2017 08:44

You are best friends.

You are nothing more.

Wake up.

Original poster

ISolemlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 04/02/2017 12:06

Thanks for your replies, maybe a bit more blunt than I expected but probably what I needed! I told him this morning how unhappy I am. He says he wants to get better and is going to go to a counsellor. I know if nothing changes then it's time to end things.

OP posts:

monkeyfacegrace · 04/02/2017 12:09

Jesus imagine 20 years time.

You wouldn't see me for dust.

PotteringAlong · 04/02/2017 12:13

Do you see sex, and children, in your future? If yes, and nothing changes, then you need to walk away and find someone else.

picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2017 12:16

Don't ask him when or why not. Ask him whether you are just friends, whether he wants sex again one day, whether he wants children.
It is his problem as well, and asking him the question may make him wonder how to address it himself. Then he can take the lead in resolving it.

Gallavich · 04/02/2017 12:57

If he won't do anything about it then you either accept that you have a sexless life together or you end it. What else. An you do?

Lovemusic33 · 07/02/2017 07:50

4 years without sex? I would have left ages ago. He's using the medication as an excuse, it's possible to use viagra alongside anti depressants? (My ex did), if he's not willing to even try then I think it shows how little he cares about you and the relationship. Do you really want to continue like this?

Original poster

ISolemlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 07/02/2017 13:06

LoveMusic if you see my last post he has said he is willing to try and will see a counsellor. He has actually contacted someone since that post to make an appointment. I do appreciate the responses although I think it's easy for people to say they would just walk away when they aren't in the circumstances.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 07/02/2017 13:48

It probably is easy for us to say. It's also easier for us to be objective and point out the obvious that this is a friendship, not a relationship. I'm really glad that he's contacted someone but I do think you need to decide your end point here. You said in your OP that you couldn't take it anymore which suggests to me that you are also preparing for the fact that you might have to walk away; it's not just us saying it to you.

Do you have a time limit for this to be sorted? Sex in 6 months? 12? 5 years? Never again?

Beegu5 · 12/02/2017 00:06

Hi op, i've been in a similar situation to your partner in that I was on anti depressants for a year and my sex drive has never recovered. I do still have sex with my dh as without sex we would just be friends who live in the same house and co parent. I could happily go for ages without having sex but it wouldn't be fair for my oh at all as he still has the same sex drive that he's always had. Could your dp try viagra? One of my ex's had erectile disfunction for most of our 2.5 year relationship and it had a massive effect on my self confidence at the time. From my experiences of both sides I would say that communication is hugely important. He needs to know how you feel and that things can't continue as they are because you're clearly not happy in a sexless relationship.

Original poster

ISolemlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 12/02/2017 11:56

Beegu5 Thanks for the perspective from the other side. I think it is affecting my confidence and that's also why communication is suffering. We have a plan to see a counsellor now so I'm feeling more hopeful.

OP posts:

MoreProseccoNow · 12/02/2017 22:01

Do you mind saying how old you are, OP?

I would say these situations never resolve in a positive way, judging by most of the threads on sexless relationships.

Without marriage or children, I'd be cutting my losses, sorry.

LellyMcKelly · 14/02/2017 02:20

I left after 4 years of no sex. Best thing I ever did. Met DP and we do it at least 3-4 times a week. I am SO much happier, relaxed, and fun to be around. I sleep better, take better care of myself, and feel much more loved and appreciated. You don't know how much the lack of intimate contact has an impact on your own self esteem and how you feel.

SleepymummyZzz · 24/02/2017 18:50

OP, I completely sympathise as this has been the case for me for 4.5 years me 😞 I think it is a very individual choice of what you are willing to accept. I have a child with my partner (age 5) and it would break his heart if we split. He is a wonderful father and a lovely man and I still hope we can rekindle the passion one day. I had a previous marriage when I was sexually and physically abused so I don't have the same thoughts about the value of sex as 'normal' people perhaps but I do still miss it. I would say if you have no ties to your other half (marriage, money, kids) then you need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth sacrificing a sex life for?

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