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Original poster

Sex with new partner who hasn't had it for a while

54 replies

Lovemusic33 · 20/01/2017 21:24

So I have met a lovely guy, we are still on the early stages of dating but we have talked quite openly about sex and we have arranged a dat for next week for him to come to my house for the first time. We have both been very open about everything, he's a little worried as he hasn't slept with anyone since splitting with his wife 5 years ago ( he has been quite ill and has had cancer so getting into a relationship wasn't a priority), he says he feels a bit like a virgin. I want to make him feel as comfortable as possible but haven't got a clue how?? I'm not expecting it to be amazing as first times are always a bit awkward. Any tips?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 22/01/2017 08:48

Thanks 9greenbottles, I think he's worried because it's been 5+ years, in that time he has gone through divorce and has had chemo (several courses). I have said that it doesn't matter what happens and he now seems more confident than I do.

Roly, I haven't got time for a wax now, I read it can be quite sore after? I have always wanted to get it done as I hate shaving so might look into it.

OP posts:
RockyBird · 22/01/2017 08:53

Nothing like a bit of spontaneity eh?

I didn't ever have "feeling comfortable" down as a no.1 reason to have sex with someone.

His back story reminds me of a Sex and the City episode.

Johnlegendswife · 22/01/2017 13:18

op, I think some posters were unnecessarily harsh to you and your friend. The poor guy has had a very tough five years..marriage breakdown and cancer treatment. As someone whose husband has and is currently having chemo, it knocks your confidence as well as your sex drive. As a result, I've had a five year 'hiatus' and I can tell you that if I was in a position to be with someone new...I would feel similarly anxious... I feel totally out of practice ...yes of course I know what to do but that doesn't mean that a) being with someone new since marriage isn't slightly anxiety provoking and b) being out of practice adds to this!

I think you've said all the right things to ease his nerves. If you find things do progress when he stays over, some encouraging comments when he touches you or moves with you the right way will help him!!

To answer DameDiazepam, hell yes, of course men shave done below 'just' for hygiene reasons...what sort of filthy guys are you associating with !!!! For some cultures, it's the norm!

Re what to do with your own lady garden, have it nice and tidy. Personally, I wax as I feel clean, like the smooth feeling and love that it lasts so long. Definitely worth it! It is slightly tingly afterwards but no, not sore. You could have it done the day before without any issue.

Best of luck!!!!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/01/2017 13:29

To answer DameDiazepam, hell yes, of course men shave done below 'just' for hygiene reasons...what sort of filthy guys are you associating with !!!! For some cultures, it's the norm!

Do you honestly think not shaving is filthy?

Johnlegendswife · 22/01/2017 14:12

Lighten up Dame, I was being light hearted!!! No obviously I don't think that men who don't shave down below are filthy!!!!

But yes I do believe that a man who hasn't been in a relationship for five years can shave for hygiene purposes!

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 22/01/2017 14:13

Not shaving isn't filthy but surely being hairy makes you sweat more? Most men I have been with trim and some have been shaven.

Thank you for your kind words Johnleg and good luck with you husbands treatment, I can imagine chemo has a huge effect on lots of things including sex. I think some posters are being a bit harsh, I was just after some advice, didn't expect to be questioned about 'wether I had met him or not' and 'why would a man shave if not in a relationship?' Surely its personal preference the same as it is for a women, I have seen many people post on mn saying they shave for hygiene reasons and I can't see why it's different for a man?

OP posts:
Johnlegendswife · 22/01/2017 14:16

Totally agree with you lovemusic and thanks for your kind words re dh!

AnyFucker · 22/01/2017 17:31

Good luck and best wishes to all those going through life changing illnesses x

What did and does make me feel a bit uncomfortable about this thread is the idea that op appears to be taking responsibility for making it "ok" for him. That is his responsibility, not hers. It just sounds a bit manpleasing op, just a little too appeasing.

Long term relationships where you might have to coax/hand hold a bloke a bit, yes I can see that

But you don't owe this guy a thing. Your only responsibility is for your own sex life and to make sure you get something out of it. Did second wave feminism completely pass you by ? I am being light hearted btw, am not having a go at you. If you were my mate and were talking so much in detail about what you were planning to ease his experience I would hand you another glass of wine and tell you to you to make sure you had a grand time and let him worry about himself.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/01/2017 17:36

No hair doesn't make you sweat more and it's not more hygienic in fact it's the opposite but I'd you prefer it then go for it,it's your fanny!

I agree with AF again ( on a sex thread too,who'd have thunk it?!😉)

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/01/2017 17:57

** more hygienic to shave

AnyFucker · 22/01/2017 18:01

I know, Dame. Curious, innit.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2017 18:02

Althouh I had forgotten this was in the sex topic. It's more of a relationships theme, IMO.

And not too oversharey Wink

AnyFucker · 22/01/2017 18:04

Mother nature gave us pubic hair for a reason. She didn't get it wrong in this instance, IMO. Anyway, that's a bit of a side issue innit

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/01/2017 18:07

Not really imo as it's the OP trying to please her new partner imo,rather than having her hair style how she likes.

Anyway,hope it goes ok OPSmile

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 22/01/2017 18:18

Sorry, maybe I should have posted in relationships, I don't think there's a problem with trying to make someone feel comfortable Hmm, he's not just someone I want for sex. If it was no strings sex then no I wouldn't be questioning anything or doing anything to impress him. I'm probably more nervous than he is, I don't want us just to be about sex, this is just a small part of what will hopefully be a long term relationship.

Thank you to those who have taken me seriously.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/01/2017 18:22

OP you're rolling your eyes so much their in danger of rolling out of your headWink

Hope it goes well ,it's early days as you said, just take things as they come(!) and try not to worry.Wine

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/01/2017 18:22

**they're not their - bloody auto correct!

AnyFucker · 22/01/2017 18:29

I have taken you seriously, op

I just think your focus is a bit skewed towards pleasing a bloke

You don't have to take on board what I said.

But I do think that, in general, women spend too long bending over backwards to get it "right" instead of concentrating on their own needs

If you disagree with that principle then we will always be at odds

Orlandointhewilderness · 22/01/2017 18:30

Bit of a harsh time here I think OP!

I posted on here before I first had sex with my DP. I'd been out of action for about 5 years as well and was worrying over tiny small things (hair or no, nerves, what if he looks at naked me and legs it etc). Basically consensus was to RELAX, not too worry about it and let it happen. They were right! I drank a large amount of wine and it happened so easily. We had a wonderful time. Several in fact! The first time he didn't last very long and it was a bit rushed but was just perfect.

Have fun.

TheCaptainsMum · 22/01/2017 18:46

I can't help but be slightly reminded of the "Paul the wine guy" story in Friends.

itsmine · 23/01/2017 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 23/01/2017 16:47

Thank you, he stayed over last night, I didn't set my expectations high (just in case it was over with quickly) but it was amazing, he was really considerate in making sure he made me happy, after DTD we talked and he said that he was really worried about how he would feel as he hadn't really been with anyone since his ex wife and since having surgery/chemo but he said it felt amazing and it obviously didn't effect his proformance. We have spent today together which was really nice.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/01/2017 17:21

Yay,nice one Smile

NotTheFordType · 23/01/2017 17:35

Glad it went well!

Just to add my immortal opinion to the shaving debate, I definitely find it more hygienic to keep my vulva shaved. When I didn't shave I found it a lot harder to wipe thoroughly after peeing - and it's not like we have bidets here! I also definitely don't miss spending most of my period combing blood clots out of my pubes.

I also find I sweat far less during the summer, from the sweat glands in the groin. I used to go through 2-3 pairs of knickers a day in summer, but am now usually sticking to one. Whoopee!

Unexpected side bonus: receiving oral is completely different. I thought for decades that I didn't like oral sex. Couldn't understand who would want it. A couple of years after I started shaving, got into a relationship. Holy shit! Of course when you think about it, previously it was probably comparable to trying to give a bloke a blowjob through a sock. (I'm VERY hairy.) Now I can actually FEEL what my partner is doing!

OP if you want to try shaving again I'd recommend these shaving products, all from the mens aisle. (Womens products are just pointlessly more expensive and you really don't need a pink razor.)
Gilette Fusion Pro-Glide razor
Nivea sensitive shave gel
Dove Men Care aftershave Balm

itsmine · 23/01/2017 17:36

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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