If I just force myself to do it I'll start wanting to more, won't I?

[notsuchagoodperson]

DH and I have been through a lot since 2yo DD was born and only had sex about 3 times last year

I have a sex drive but DD still wakes at least once most nights and we're knackered, so when I have the inclination I tend to stick to a quick self-service rather than initiating anything! It feels daunting now to get back into it and I'm not as body confident as I used to be pre-child pre-child our sex life was great but I just feel so anxious about it all now and have no idea how to get back on track!

I had counselling last year about my issues surrounding vulnerability and fear of emotional harm and our relationship is stronger than ever in every other aspect! I just can't seem to get over this hurdle any help on getting there would be appreciated - I'm trying to initiate more non-sex closeness but it's not really helping much, or am I expecting it to too quickly? DH is lovely and never puts pressure on me but I'm doing my own head in TBH...

I have a stupidly low sex drive

Happily go months without it much to dh's frustration but bless him he's so patient and doesn't pressure or nag me

Once I start, I do start enjoying it

It's just bringing myself to start in the first place

I'm the same. I have three kids and two have Sen. One wakes frequently in the night still and dh does make a point about lack of it. Doesn't encourage him to help more though.

Yeah I think so, 'use it or lose it' was a phrase I heard on a sex documentary years ago. Maybe just crank it up slowly with your DH, longer kiss, little bum pinch, sexy comment etc. Sometimes when we are busy children/tiredness/work etc it helps to just show you still see each other in that way. And little sexy things you say or do can help keep it in the forefront of your mind a bit more.

I've been trying hard to amp the low level stuff up, it's like I can get to a certain point and there's a wall there and I can't get past it. I think a lot of it is lack of time and energy - so frustrating!

You sound so much like me. How are things outside of sex? Are you happy?

Yes Msqueen things are great apart from this. We're both tired though! Maybe it will be easier as DS gets older and sleeps better he had better sleep better

Glad we're not the only ones but it's rubbish!

Having a little cry now as this just isn't how I want things to be. I want the happiness to extend to sex, we're just best friends at the moment - no benefits! I guess I'll just keep trying

Try sleeping together naked

Yes in a way.

Does DC sleep reliably at a certain point? We often go to bed at 9pm as we are more or less guaranteed a bit of quiet time. Think it's just a hurdle to get over...

I think there is a huge element of just doing it because then you actually remember how nice it is. I think anxiety when it's so rare/intermittent is a huge killer.

So I'd say have a drink and go for it but make it clear you don't want the whole thing to be a marathon!

Maybe if you are feeling self-conscious some new undies would help? There's lots of stuff around that covers you up a bit but still feels and looks very pretty. Or if you can get a baby sitter going away for the night?

I do think that if you both want sex just doing it will help you find the time more but a specific reason to want to do it today - building up a bit of anticipation by making a plan helps.

If you enjoy a quick wank, would you let him masturbate you. No expectation of anything else, but something you might enjoy and might lead to bigger and better things?

He asks to do that Tammy but I don't let him I've definitely got a head block about letting myself relax and enjoy myself though. Wine would probably help!

I think you need to turn to DH rather than away from him as if everything else in the relationship is good, this may cause damage in the long run as you risk becoming house mates rather than partners.

A bit of mutual stimulation under the duvet may be a good start.

How about some sensate focus Masters and Johnston style?

lifehacker.com/bring-sex-back-into-your-relationship-with-sensate-focu-1746069908

*Johnson oops

DH and I have an agreed sex window. It's hugely unromantic to schedule it in but we've agreed that we will do it once a weekend. It means that I can mentally start 'preparing' myself (i.e. Making sure that it comes into my thoughts and therefore getting a bit more in the mood!) and he knows it's happening.

We're the same - knackered, two young children, not great sleepers - but really enjoy sex when we actually get around to doing it!

Thanks Wonder that link is good, will watch later when the toddler isn't around!

LB I actually think that's a great idea and plan to at least have a schedule in my head if not out loud!

I was wondering about paying for OMGyes and seeing if that helps, watching and trying together etc. Maybe one for after we move later this year more stress hurrah