Finding a sexual identity after a sexually abusive relationship.

[QuietSearcher]

I'm unsure if I can convey the emotions and feelings of shame properly but I'll give it a go.

I am single as of last Autumn for the first time since I was a teenager. I've only ever been in one relationship and I discovered it had been sexually abusive over the course of many years. This has left me feeling very confused and wary of my own feelings around sex and arousal because I felt for a long time we had a healthy relationship, sexually and otherwise. During the relationship I was forbidden to masterbate (not explicitly but I knew it would be frowned upon) and I never even tried it till I was in my early 20's.

Now as a single woman, I'm far off wanting a physical relationship with anyone however like most people, I'm experiencing periods of being turned on and have touched myself. I am always fully covered by a duvet and feel wrong in doing it. I'm ashamed to say that when I do this, the only way I climax is by thinking about myself being degraded and abused. What on earth does this mean? The whole experience just confuses and shames me and I'm left feeling that somehow I must have liked the way I was treated in my relationship.

As I'm sure you've gathered I have very shameful feelings around sex and just cannot open up about this face to face in therapy despite being able to talk about things he did. I can't open up because it's something I'm doing to myself.

Can anyone advise me please?

My only suggestion would be to see a pyschosexual therapist.

They will have will have come across this so many times.

I suspect from your formative years you have had no sexuality that was your own, it was your partners. I think a therapist would help you understand how and why you see things and how to accept/change them

Thank you for replying. I think I need that reassurance that I'm not completely abnormal and messed up.

I realise that a qualified psychosexual therapist would be useful but I just can't imagine being able to say it in real life.

You could try saying it out loud and record it and play it back so you can hear yourself?

I dont think its uncommon for women or men to have thoughts/fantasies about being dominated/abused in someway. People here have posted about a website call fetlife. Maybe take a look, see if it has a forum or stories, that way you might read what others fantasise about and you'll realise perhaps you're not so odd after all. At which point you maybe able to talk about it.

If you don't feel ready or can't get afford therapy I suggest you start with two books that really helped me. Becoming orgasmic and another I will look up for you this evening. The thing I found with them, when trying to deal with the aftermath of a sexually abusive situation from my very early teens, was simply that reading on a page that what i was feeling is to be expected took a huge weight off my mind.

Guilt and shame are very usual feelings to experience after such an abuse. Well down for reaching out on here. I will get the name of the other book for you this evening.

As for only being able to thing about abusive situations to climax that is also usual. I say usual as normal doesn't seem like the right word. I toohas such thoughts a long time ago. I don't at all since seeking help. You have been conditioned to link abuse with being turned on. If that is something you are happy with them fine but if not then you can change it.

Ugh sorry for the typos. I was rushing to try to get back to work.

It's pretty common thing for abuse survivors to reframe some aspects of the abuse into a controlled fantasy. I've experienced it myself with some aspects of the abuse I endured.

This column by Dan Savage also explores the idea a little more.
www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15567539

Breaking Free is the name of the second book.

Thank you so much for the recommendations and advice.
I don't think I'm naturally into any 'kink' although I absolutely respect that some people are. I don't enjoy as such the thoughts that go through my mind.

I'll have a look at the books and go from there. Thank you for the sensitivity shown.

I know it's the unwanted fantasy aspect that is upsetting you but I think of you address the past than thoes thoughts will stop being so prominent. Take care.