Being sexually submissive

[Questionsaboutthings]

I'm just wondering if there's a reason I'm like this; basically my main turn on (arguably the one thing I 'need' some form of to get off) is being dominated sexually. I haven't really explored the full-on BDSM side of things because I haven't yet found a partner who is interested in that without being unsuitable in some other way or just way too intense about it.

I know there are sites like fetlife but I'm worried about meeting someone on there and I don't think it's likely to lead to a normal and healthy relationship in other respects (maybe I'm wrong about that). Really I'd like it to develop naturally alongside other things and other compatibilities but that's a pretty tall order, I don't want it to be off-putting or a partner just going along with things but not actually being into it in the same way.

Maybe eventually it will all come together but I'm wondering as well what makes it such a big thing for me, is it just a natural part of my sexuality? I know it's not that unusual but it feels like quite a fundamental thing for me in a way that's maybe not the case for most other people. I did have quite a difficult upbringing in some ways and I hate to admit it but my dad was a bit abusive in some ways, not sexually but he could be pretty scary. Is it possible that I'm seeking these things as a way to reframe those experiences and if so is that unhealthy? I'm having counselling at the moment about things from my past but I'm pretty certain it's not going to change what turns me on so do I just go for it?

I can't answer the bit about why, I'm wondering the same about myself but I don't think it's particularly unusual or a sign that there's an inherent problem in the way you view yourself.

I met someone a year ago who I'm exploring this side of me with. It wasn't the reason we got together but it's a route we've both decided to head down. He doesn't live near so it's a slow journey! The important thing is we both realise that in one sense it's a game, we can talk about it and we are both curious. He has more experience than me but he's well aware he's just learning too. But one important thing we are aware of is that it is not just about the sex even though an outsider viewing the relationship might think that. It's about connection and all the other positives that come from being with someone. I hope that answers your question about it leading to a normal and healthy relationship.

I've come to the conclusion it's innate in you, same as any part of your sexuality. For instance I'm bisexual, have always been and nothing caused it.

There was no abuse in my life, I have a healthy relationship with my family, exs that treated me well and yet being sexually submissive (and spanking etc) has always got me hot. It really only came to fruitition in my early 30s when I met someone naturally very dominant in bed and it was my eureka moment. All of sudden I was experiencing something I had always, always wanted.

I can't even describe the emotions I went through that night, it was so intense and conflicted. I had repressed this deeply shameful (to me) part of me and while I still felt ashamed I also knew with deep certainty it was like coming home to a part of myself. It was extremely disorientating and I bloody loved it. All those fantasies I had thought about from being a teenager and even much younger made sense now.

We didn't last but I've fully embraced it since that time. I spent far too long denying that part of mysel. I did attend munches organised through Fet but don't go anymore. The bdsm scene is very insular here, lots of in-fighting etc and I can't be bothered with it. I tend to pick vanilla partners these days, break it to them early on I'm kinky and need it in my sex life. They can then decide if it's something they are open to or not

Dp was very vanilla, we've slowly been exploring and turns out I like switching roles for the first time ever, as do they. We are just like any other couple, love each other and have a normal healthy relationship. If anything we are closer than I have been with exs as we are very honest with each other and have very open communication.

Thanks both. I've come to the same conclusion really that it is innate in me and I don't want to tarnish my own sexuality by linking it to a bunch of shitty things that have happened, if that makes sense. There are so many factors that make up our sexuality aren't there, cultural influences, childhood influences and just biology. Maybe a certain aggression and power dynamic is pretty natural and not a bad thing if consensual. Just pondering it all. I do wonder why it's such a big part of me but I'll probably never know.

It's only natural to ponder it, I spent a while doing the same myself. There are many posts on the groups on Fetlife of people analysing the same thing.

For me, although I occasionally switch now my submissive streak is a mile wide Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm very dominant in my day to day life. I can be a bit of a control freak at times and there's a lot of plates I need to keep spinning so there's a certain thrill and peace of letting go. Where I am giving a person everything I have and have utter trust in them to cherish that. The sm side I simply find cathartic. Why this is tangled up into finding it sexually exciting I have no idea.

I absolutely know what you mean about the peace/letting go and the catharsis. I'm not very dominant at all in my day to day life and partly because of that I'm quite cautious about who I'd get involved as I want to be very sure it's a healthy situation for me iyswim - that I could trust them not to abuse it in any broader way, with so at the moment I'm really not able to explore much in practice. There were one or two people I was interested in taking it further with but things didn't feel right. Hopefully in the future though. I am quite an outwardly controlled person but very passionate underneath that so I suppose I'm looking for a kind of safe release.

I think it's mainly nature but nurture also plays a part. Cavewoman is 50 and from a "traditional" family. Without realising it, this upbringing has instilled certain intrinsic values, that are in most ways at odds with her general outlook.
She is a feminist/equal rights woman in every aspect of her life with the huge accept of sexually/sexuality. Here she (in her words) can totally enjoy sex without any guilt/pressure, as she is submissive and not in control.

That's interesting, I think I can relate to that too Caveman. My upbringing was certainly not a typical one and parents although not religious were pretty hardline about quite a lot of things and the values I hold subconsciously are sometimes in conflict with the views I have come to hold as an adult. Does Cavewoman find it hard to reconcile her feminism with the whole submissive thing? I must admit it makes me a bit at times, but then again it just feels so joyfully natural to me personally that I mostly let that go.

Mine was a strict upbringing too but that aside I don't know why I'm a sub, I just know that I really, definitely am, like others it's fundamental to my sexuality.

For years I wrestled with 'why am I like this?' A while ago I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter why, this is how I am and that's just fine.

Unlike you questions I'm not a submissive personality, far from it. In fact, I'm quite feisty and I consider myself a feminist.
My submissiveness and feminism are easily reconciled; for me feminism is about being able to make our own independent choices. Being submissive is my choice, far from being coerced into it I choose it and love it. Being a sub is empowering, particularly being able to let go. It marks a complete contrast with my day-to-day life when I have to make all the decisions and be in charge.

Does Cavewoman find it hard to reconcile her feminism with the whole submissive thing? For a long time she did, right through her first marriage. But as namechange put, once she realised that was just how she was wired. She let go.

Before her wedding, she asked her Mother about how to have a happy marriage. Her response was something along the lines of - ^ the woman rules the home, but the man rules the bedroom. A woman should do whatever a man wants, whenever he wants it^

This was really at odds with her view of herself and her mother. She railed against this view during her first marriage.

When we got together we explored my dominant side, we tried various things. Cavewoman does not like pain (no spanking), bondage doesn't really do anything. But she fell fully and happily into beng controlled.

Then (as I said above) once she realised that "letting go" was a choice she could make. She was fine.

Although I have pushed her buttons hard over the last 20 years, she has always met the challenge (except twice).

questions in your OP you said I know there are sites like fetlife but I'm worried about meeting someone on there and I don't think it's likely to lead to a normal and healthy relationship in other respects

I don't know your relationship history but in common with cavewoman I was married and when that broke down my marriage was very vanilla despite my best efforts! I knew I wanted to meet a man with the hope of exploring a sub/dom relationship.

Like you questions I wouldn't meet anyone on Fetlife either although I've been to munches in the past I wouldn't feel 'safe' meeting men from the message boards on there.

After some false starts I have met a man who always knew he had dom tendencies but had never been able to do much about them. We've been lucky, we started out with attraction and built a relationship that includes a sub/dom sex life but never outside of the bedroom, which suits us both.

When I went to the munches I found the people there were always very kind and welcoming but I found their experience intimidating and they took their BDSM very seriously, a lot of them lived it for example; wearing heavy duty collars all day, every day and I knew that wasn't for me in my job I couldn't do that if I wanted to! If that's right for you, then go for it and besides, munches are a good place to meet like-minded people. They made me feel like less of a freak, I think going to the munches was the catalyst for me to stop asking myself 'why am I like this?' and realise that this is how I am, it doesn't matter why.

Being a sexually submissive male, I amreading this with interest.

I too once struggled reconciling being a feminist and submissive. Also felt like I was betraying feminism in a way if I thought about the fact I have never ever switched with men and the idea doesn't appeal to me, only women. Did I have some sort of internalised misogyny?

I now think like namechanged . Part of feminism personally is a woman having complete bodily autonomy and it is my choice to hand over that power as it's what feels good for me, which is in itself powerful. From the other side of the fence, I can see how much the women I've been with enjoys it. As for not switching with men, I worked out I am attracted to different personality traits in different genders for some reason and that usually fits with that.

It is because women are taught to erotise their domination by men, under a male dominated society.

Brasty, if that were true (as pp have said that for them it is innate) surely all straight women would be sexually submissive?

Women are fed by our culture that they should all love shoes. Many do. But this type of cultural teaching never works on everyone.

Maybe brasty but there are submissive men as well aren't there? And for many people it's more a feeling of letting go than a me Tarzan you Jane thing. At least, it has different elements to it.

I do think there could be something in what you say but it seems very simplistic. Also doesn't really address the questions of whether a) it's harmful and b) it can be changed anyway.

The view I've come to is that far from being harmful to me personally it has the potential to be very healthy and even healing. And certainly I don't think I could change it even if I wanted to so whether it's culturally programmed or not this is how I am.

We're culturally programmed to think sexy underwear is sexy aren't we? Obviously a different type of example but I think just because culture may have an effect on the development of our sexuality, it doesn't mean we have to reject those parts of ourselves.

I worried about this too, from a feminist perspective. But I read something by Dan Savage (which I can't find unfortunately, or I'd share it) about how as we have evolved from apes that had strict hierarchy, it's no wonder that some of us eroticise dominance/submission. He worded it so much better. It gave me some comfort.

I sometimes think "WHY AM I LIKE THIS?" but mostly I just get on with it. I've never wondered what caused my bisexuality, if you see what I mean.

My top tip is to pervert a willing vanilla guy, rather than go on Fetlife. I've dipped my toe in kink culture and been massively put off by the high proportion of weirdos. It's ok if you just want a play partner so you can explore what you like/don't like but if you're looking for a LTR, I reckon you just date regular guys and sound them out for how adventurous they might be.

Oh! And OKCupid! You answer a lot of questions about all sorts of preferences, not just sexual and you can find kink-friendly people that way.

I am anything but submissive in real life. Not a bit. People would fall about laughing if they knew. I think that is why I enjoy submitting so much.

If feels so good but it is sooooooo wrong. It feels good but intellectually I am appalled. I am a clear cut, loud and proud feminist. Unfortunately (or not) I like spending time in the bedroom on my knees with a collar on.

It's taken me a long time to just accept it is what it is. I'm not fighting it just enjoying it.