Bad sex or lost libido?

[oversharingagain]

This is probably more of a fun board but I wanted to hide this away. Tmi.

Marriage recently ended. I had stopped enjoying sex life. Unhappy relationship and maybe I started overanalysing everything.

Examples
Him repeatedly asking me if he could take me from behind. I'd say no repeatedly, then often give in.

Feeling body conscious post DC I bought some sexy lingerie. He'd ask me to take it off and i said I preferred it on and he'd get fed up asking and take it off.

And so on.

Getting me into positions where he could stand over me to come on me. Using my breasts to wank. (In fairness he sometimes asked, I think maybe he struggled to finish otherwise.)

I didn't like it. But I think he might have been well-intentioned, eg my orgasm was always very impt. Annoyingly so.

Trying to work out, were my feelings actually about the general relationship problems, or was this very disrespectful sex in itself.

For context, I want to file this away in a proportionate way in my head and feel better about our ongoing relationship as parents.

It might be helpful to get a different perspective if anyone has thoughts.

You were doing stuff you didn't really want to do. That's pretty crap sex.
He was very selfish and inconsiderate. Making sure you orgasmed sounded like it was more about his need, like ticking a box. He wasn't putting any effort into ensuring that you were enjoying the sex in the first place.

Thanks got the reply. I started seeing everything as abusive. Inconsiderate I can get my head around better.

(I think he'd probably see much of it as him helping me enjoy things)

Very much bad sex IMO. Not only was he forcing/pressurising/coercing you to do things you didn't want, much of what you describe suggests he was getting kicks from subjugating and demeaning you. Ensuring your orgasm does not compensate for him being a vile, nasty little shit.

Yes, that was how I felt about him. But with a few months passing it feels like maybe my judgement was skewed.

I asked here in "sex" because the things were not out of the ordinary or perversive etc. What he wanted was all very normal.

After a dry period having had dc2 sex was just a bit too frantic and a bit different and I completely lost any attraction when it was always like this.

It did feel demeaning but I couldn't tell whether it was my issue confidence wise so it helps to get an outside perspective. Thanks.

The lingerie thing shows a complete lack of respect for your wishes. Getting over you to finish himself off, that's all well and good if it works for you too, not demeaning at all if you're happy with it, but it sounds like not - similarly the 'taking from behind' - that's not demeaning in itself, plenty of people like it that way (I'm assuming you mean regular sex from behind rather than anal?!) but again, if that's not how you enjoy it, it can feel a bit impersonal.

I think this behaviour was abusive, because it shows a pattern of his needs trumping yours. However, if you can refrain from seeing it as intentionally nasty and just put it down to his general selfishness it might help you to coparent without bitterness.

My XH was also emotionally abusive, but I realised that he didn't mean to be, he was just selfish and unaware. We now get on fine and I did once manage to wheedle an apology out of him for the way he'd treated me, which helped!

Yes PIV from behind, which was normal for us - but combined with the other things and the persuasion was all a bit depersonalising.

Yes that's what I want to get to - to co parent without always feeling I'm with someone who thinks so little of me. It's tough moving on when you have DC.

There's more and I'm bit by bit finding ways to lose the bitterness with help. I'm not comfortable to talk about sex in counselling though.

Thinking about his lack of awareness about what he was doing helps a lot actually. It was about his needs rather than hurting me. thank you.

Yes it's helpful not to label him - I was told that my XH was emotional abusive on here, not something I'd ever realised, I just thought he was just a dick!

However, giving him that label made him sound more powerful than I think he was. He was self centred and emotionally insensitive and now I think about it, probably as unhappy as I was. However, I think that's a world away from someone who sets out to systematically bring you down using humiliation and gas lighting. To me that's akin to physical abuse, whereas the pattern of overlooking your needs, being wrapped up in his own, that seems more forgivable.

It's good that you are looking back and analysing where things were right and wrong, but for your future happiness I think it would help to see the balance. He sounds more like someone who has watched too much porn rather than someone intent on destroying your self esteem. The end result of course may be the same, but try to look closely at his intentions, as I think that will help you to deal with things.

That's a really helpful perspective thanks.

I think he had no respect for what I wanted or didn't want rather than an intention to control me. which feels a lot better.

I think the responses also make me feel better that there wasn't something wrong with me for not enjoying very normal things either.