Can someone make you come coercively / abusively?

[HoursOfFun]

If someone makes you come and you have amazing prgasms can the sex still be abusive or coercive?

I have just been thinking about an old relationship that really messed up my head in many ways. I haven't seen the person in question for several months now or had contact and I'm just beginning to feel like I'm getting over it all.

But one thing that still confuses me and really did my head in during the relationship was this:
Sometimes the sex felt coercive and a lot of pressure was often put on me to 'put out' in various ways.

But I always came and had really intense orgasms with this partner, even when I had begun by saying and meaning 'please stop, I just want a cuddle'.

I remember one time in particular when I was pretty ill, semi delirious and him basically totally ignoring all my requests for him to stop. When I came (as I always would) it was presented to me as 'proof' that I hadn't meant what I said about him stopping.

And sometimes if he was behaving really badly in other ways (like being totally unreliable in daily life) he would sort of impose an orgasm on me (I know that sounds weird but I don't know how else to express it) as if that made all the other stuff ok.

Anyway am still so totally confused. Because the sex I had with him was incredibly arousing even though I often felt terrible about how he was treating me. But can you be aroused without wanting to be? Coercively I mean?

Also now I find in I have major problems reaching orgasms with new partners. Before, it wasn't an issue for me. Now I literally don't be able to seem to do it. One lovely guy I have been seeing, I have slept with six times, been really turned on but I just cannot come at all. I can make myself come when I am alone though.

Any thoughts from anyone? Thanks

I typed a long msg and lost it.

To answer your question OP yes it is possible to orgasm even though what is happening is sexual abuse. Orgasm is a biological response to physical stimulus. Like tickling.

The response to being tickled is laughter. Even if we are not enjoying it, or it is causing us pain, our response is laughter. Yes you were being sexually abused and I am so sorry that it happened to you.

Yes it is, and Lundy Bancroft's book, "why does he do that" even references this phenomenon where extremely angry and abusive men are very, very "good" at sex, and their partners don't know how to reconcile it with everything else.

The problem is, it's not because they want to be intimate or open or loving; it's because they want to have an orgasm and prove they're good at making you have one too - a control thing. Your consent is irrelevant and unnecessary.

I say this a LOT on Mumsnet but it was helpful for me, so I'll say it again - have you ever looked into counselling over this? It sounds like maybe there's a lot you're suppressing that you need to deal with before being able to really enjoy sex again.

I've spoken to a number of men who talk about sexual abuse they suffered in which they had an orgasm. I don't for a moment believe it cannot happen to women too. An orgasm is a physical response to stimuli, isn't it? I've had sex I enthusiastically consented to and enjoyed that didn't result in orgasm- the lack or otherwise of orgasm doesn't say anything about the consent involved.

Thanks for the replies. It helps to make it all clearer in my mind.

Klassy - I have had general counselling around the relationship as I was so emotionally all over the place during it and afterwards - really really depressed in fact. But I never mentioned sexual details to my counsellor - at least not the coercive elements. She once asked me if the sex was 'exciting' and I think I just said 'yes' because sometimes it was. So then I think I confused myself even more.
I think I was shamed to admit that I felt coerced and also I couldn't make sense of how I was physically turned on.

It was only when I started to read on MN and other places about EA that I began to make sense of what was going on. But until now I haven't really thought about the specific topic of orgasming during coercive sex.

Thanks again because writing it all down and the replies really help.

I am in a weird place sexually at the moment, like I say I almost don't trust my own physical responses or I can't relax enough to to come. Also I kind of feel that if I come with the person I have been seeing recently I will have no defences left somehow, whereas at the moment I guess I feel more emotionally detached and protected from possible hurt.

Anyway - thanks again.

I suspect thousands of women go through this every day in the porn industry. Sex workers too. And the guys that buy this stuff.

Anywhere where sex is forced and not spontaneous.

Also I kind of feel that if I come with the person I have been seeing recently I will have no defences left somehow, whereas at the moment I guess I feel more emotionally detached and protected from possible hurt.

I think this is the key thing really. Your ex made you feel powerless over your own body. And when your body said it liked it, it feels like a betrayal. Giving that "power" to someone else was always going to be hard.

Could you maybe try taking charge in the bedroom. I don't mean like S&M but just bossing him about a bit and telling him what to do. That could maybe take the power from him because you are orchestrating the orgasm?

for you by the way.

That was absolutely abuse op. The horrible guilt and confusion that sexual abuse like that leaves you with is so hard to carry. Counselling definitely sounds like a good idea.

For now, could you take control of your own orgasm? For example, using a vibrator on yourself during sex so you control it?

I completely understand guarding yourself as I am doing something similar for similar reasons and trying to work it through in therapy. It feels such a mess and I just want to be able to have a normal sex life. Wishing you all the best oprice, I'm sorry for what you have been through.