I am being a twat

[musttheshowgoon]

Possibly because I am suffering with anxiety at the moment. Not sure.

I have never been monogamous. In my most recent relationships this has been ethical....I.e. all agreed and talked about.

In my current (very new) relationship we have been open from the start. However I have fallen lots for this guy and feel like he is going to disappear on me. He isn't doing anything really to make me think this but I feel insecure when he is organising dates.

It feels stupidly hypocritical because I am still seeing my longer term play partners, having dates if I feel like it, having threesomes etc. I think it might be a trust issue. I don't know but I am annoying myself and probably him!

I just want to have the base of security which I have had in other relationships before. I am not sure what it is I feel is missing. I have suffered a major bereavement recently (suicide of a dear friend) and wonder if this is fuelling it somehow? I seem to have massive fear of loss.

I have spoken to him and I think I am confusing him by saying things are fine and then later expressing that I feel anxious about them.

Any words of advice?

Maybe you worried he doesnt view you as a long term partner and that he will leave you for one of his dates?

I think your friend's suicide will play into this, yes, OP.

Are you in some kind of therapy? That might be incredibly beneficial right now.

I think that is possibly my underlying fear. It's just very out of character for me and he hasn't done anything to suggest that he wants to be elsewhere.

Also...I still want to have casual encounters so I feel hypocritical!

I have a general fear of people just leaving I think. I am suddenly worried about loss in general after the shock of my friend dying. And yes I am getting therapy.

I don't want to chase DP off.....especially when my sex drive is very high....

Sounds to me like you are afraid of becoming emotionally involved with anyone, maybe in case the leave you, pefering all the no stings attached stuff.

Maybe counselling would help? Has anything happenened in your past to make you hate being dependant on others? Or ignore the emotional side of relationships?

Sorry, I missed the bit where you said you were in therapy.

Yeah I really do hate being dependent on others .

I was in a very isolated, abusive relationship for years and playing outside of that relationship was my escape.

This current relationship is absolutely awesome though. And I am very emotionally invested. He's great and I see him as very long term.

That's the problem though. As you are becoming more invested and attached you become more insecure as you are in a way making yourself vulnerable which you find uncomfortable.

Being jealous is normal. But unless you decide to move on to a monogamous partnership you will just have to find a way to get past it.

Leave him. Lots of excuses that all boil down to 'I want my cake and eat it' and 'he only gets the cake I give him', doesnt sound very equal or very fair tbh

JustAnotherPoster00..... that's not the case at all. I want him to pursue other opportunities and would feel actively bad if he wasn't. I am feeling insecure in a way that is unusual to me and want to work past it.

As Ijustwannadance what I need is to get past the insecurity/jealousy. Possibly it will resolve over time. My reason for posting here is to get help with that.

Most likely that you have stronger feelings for him than anyone in the past.

Could you ever be monogamous? Would he ever want to be? I know some people can happily live your lifestyle but you can lose out in other ways.

Do you have or want kids?

Well that is exactly it....I do.

He has always been monogamous before and it hasn't worked for him. So this is all new for him. I want to make a shot of it but am not 100% against monogamy....it depends on the people involved.

I do want kids I think and I am not sure how my poly friends with kids manage to find the time so I appreciate that's something I need to think about.

bascially, You have fallen for him, you dont really want to share him, cant really deny him the option and dont want to loose the crutch of sleeping with others.

I would bet (a small amount!!!) that sleeping with others is not about sex but about felling free, in control and desirable. If your man is a good a you say, he will give you all that.

Maybe you are a sex addict?

Anyway, see what happens if you say you want to be monogous.

Speaking as a poly woman-

You say you want the base of security that you have had in other r'ships.

Why is it that you don't feel you have this now? Is it because this is his first poly relationship? Is there something about his actions that make you uncomfortable or is it because you are scared of the possible pain of losing him due to your recent bereavement. You need to interrogate the feeling of fear and understand where it comes from. Therapy should help ask the questions but only you have the answers.

wherearemymarbles It's not that I don't want to "share" him, it's that I am experiencing anxiety in the run up to him meeting others. I have reacted fine to the actual meetings.

KatieHopkinsAteMyHamster99 - this isn't my first poly relationship. It is for him, and he is learning (/like a kid in a candy store), which might be contributing. The logistics of the last one worked fine and I felt secure. We've been open with communication and I don't feel I have any rational reason to feel this way.

I suspect it is a combination of REALLY caring for him and the recent loss - I'm feeling quite scared of losing everything and anything at the moment.

I'll continue with the therapy in general and with the relationship and see how I feel in a few months.

Maybe you have found someone special and now the idea of an open relationship etc is scary. I wasn't too fussed about what my ex did but my DH I expect 100% monogamy.

Sounds simple enough to me - you care more about him than any of your previous relationships, by far. Your brain is subconsciously realising this, and wants to stick with just him and it can't compute why he's not feeling as you do. Maybe in your mind you feel that you must therefore just be "one of the others" to him, in the same way that your previous relationships were like that to you.

I don't feel like I've explained that very well.

I think jealousy is accepted to be the hardest thing in poly relationships. I assume you have read various books and resources on polyamory. "The Ethical Slut" has a whole chapter on jealousy. It's the only chapter I re-read.

I don't have a lot of experience of this but I was with a chap earlier this year for eight months. It was a non-exclusive relationships. Looking back on it, there were several times when I was really upset/angry and every time, in retrospect, it was jealousy-related. I'm really not an angry person, normally.

(Obviously, I was fine with me seeing other people. )

So I don't know what the answer is. I'm far less "jealous" or "possessive" or whatever than most people which is why I thought I could handle a non-exclusive relationship but I don't think it's easy to turn off those feelings entirely when you have feelings for someone.

I don't think you are being a twat at all. I think it is normal, even if you made a conscious decision to have an open relationship doesn't mean you suddenly become superhuman and able to avoid natural emotions...
Also, I think it just takes time and experimentation to work out the style of the relationship, find out what works, what doesn't work and then tweak it to suit you both - I've met various people who are poly/in open relationships. Some go for the 'don't ask, don't tell', some are totally open and discuss everything and some are in between. Some have kids, some don't. Some are in love to varying degrees with one or more of their partners. In the end its important to talk about how you feel, it takes the power out of it. How does your partner respond when you tell him your feelings? Is he supportive? And I second the book mentioned earlier in the thread.
In terms of dealing with the feelings, you could try to not spend time dwelling and brooding, see friends, do something nice. I can go a bit clingy when I have pmt so I try to go for a swim or a long walk if stuff like this bothers me. Anyway, these are my thoughts, hope they help, if not just ignore me :)

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I am feeling a lot better about it (after some time off!).

Whilst this isn't new for me, it is for him and therefore us as a couple, so hopefully we'll find something that works for both of us.

It's definitely more insecurity than jealousy, thought I appreciate they both have the same root.

We've had some good chats about it and we're both agreed we've got something good and want to make it work. I guess I just wasn't expecting to feel so strongly so soon.

Hope you've resolved it now, but one option might be to take the poly stuff out of the equation for now? As the relationship is so new and you've suffered a bereavement maybe you need that 'safe space' for a while to just explore and enjoy each other. You could use it as a fantasy and try lots of other things but just be exclusive with each other until it feels right to branch out. Don't stuff down your anxieties, it's much better to honour how you feel than try to force yourself to be ok with something even if in the past you have been and in the future you will be again.

MagicSocks I am feeling better about it but I appreciate I am fragile right now so it might be a good idea to cool it off. That said, I almost want to force myself to tackle it as it must be rooted in something I want to get to the bottom of anyway. I feel comfortable talking about the anxieties with DP so I won't be stuffing them down.