DH would rather wank than have sex

[Ruskyrobins24]

So, my sex life is crap.
Married for 6 yrs, been with DH for 16 and I'm currently pregnant with 2nd baby and we're both in early 30s with no health, money, significant other problems. Happy in all other aspects, have lots of intimacy and cuddles etc from hubby- who I still fancy- but no sex really.

Not had sex since this baby was conceived and before then it was literally maybe 5 times a year- pretty much all initiated by me.

I'm not feeling my best right now what with being pregnant, but I've been rebuffed by him quite a lot so I fee like making an effort to spice things up (probs post baby!!) is really cringe and potentially quite crushing if he rejects me.

So this is all bad enough but recently I noticed he had some lube in his drawer which has been almost all used up. Not been used with me, obvs, so in a jokey way I raised it and asked if he wanks a lot still. He said he wanks about 2-3 times a week.

This has really depressed me even more than the fact we no longer really have sex...he's clearly rather have a wank than have sex with his wife. (At least if he had a low sex drive I'd feel better than the fact he'd rather just not bother with me)

I've mentioned it lots of times before and he always agrees that we should make more effort, but then never does. And I just feel like such a loser initiating it, or trying to be sexy when I feel he just doesn't fancy me any more. (Or - gulp - maybe it's something worse that I can't bear to think about)

Any advice?
The thought of a sexless marriage at 32 is just too depressing to contemplate....

I think you need an all cards on the table conversation.

He's being economical with the truth on a number of points. He's definitely wanking more than 2-3 times a week for a start. Psychologically, he may have warped issues of you being pregnant as well, which on top of your pre conception, non existent sex life is manifesting itself.
You need to ask him, what it is that he actually wants? In turn, he needs to understand your wants & needs too. I'm sure we've all ended relationships, where the sex was dull however, he's being a twat for not addressing things with you

How was he when you were pregnant the first time OP? Such issues are not uncommon, but you'd hope at the very least you'd get back on track once the baby arrives.

What makes you think he's lying about the frequency Naze?

He was the same. But it was rubbish before and in the 2 years in between baby 1 being born and conceiving number 2, which I had to initiate.
Sadly i just don't think he fancies me anymore

Have you ever had a conversation with him about it?

Realistically its unlikely to change until after the baby is born, but once that's past you need to be sitting him down for a serious talk (1:1 or maybe with a counselling service of some kind) as you both have different expectations from your relationship and it needs sorted for the long term.

Is he watching porn? Watching it frequently makes the brain think normal arc is boring and it just loses its appeal for blokes who can only get turned on by filthy porn. Why does he need lube to give himself a hand job?

TheNaze73

Exactly right, couldn't agree more, saves me posting really. Ta.

Does he wank to porn? If so, it may be that he has become selfish and can't be arsed with the "effort" of sex with another person who wants to also feel pleasure.

Horrible situation.

Porn really can wreck relationships sometimes.

Presumably he watches porn- I don't know. Ugh.
As for lube, again I don't know- he's circumcised so it probably feels better?!
An upfront convo is definitely needed.
Has anyone had experience of coming back from something like this?

I've come back from one partner (me) having a really low libido and having problems with sex. Things are much better now but still not perfect. It does take cringingly honest conversations though and IME both sides need to want to change. Can't help with the porn use though so I don't think I'm much help, sorry.

So was it ok before the kids, or has it dawned on you that he's always been lackluster ? Can't make him be something he never was in the first place. If he's changed, firstly, tell him you are not happy with things as they are - do not accept a reply of "yes, should do better". Let him know that things need to improve as this will kill your respect and love for him.

Have you offered to wank him off yourself more as a starting point?

Avoiding full intercourse could be down to the pressure of performance anxiety. Whereas solo masturbation can be easier, quicker and more convenient.

He's obviously thinking about it all the time. So maybe you could lend a hand. That can often lead to other things. But the more times you are thinking about it, talking about wanting it, discussing fantasies and getting sex out in the open rather than hiding it away can only be positive IMHO.

My beautiful wife surprised me in the middle of the day and came to give me a handjob. It was spontaneous and very surprising. She was very insistent and had me unzipped immediately. That broke a bit of a dry spell for both of us.

We all think about sex a lot, but it's easy to sort of block it out and focus on other things. If you can talk about it, and more importantly talk about when you want it, then it can really help.

I'm not saying it's easy, but it's possible.