How to physically and emotionally manage without sex

[Jclm]

So hubby has big problems with his libido. It has been going on for several years, just after we got married. We are otherwise happy and we have small children.

The only time we have sex is when hubby feels like he has to initiate eg each year on our annual holiday. We have had sex 6 times since we married. I think he would rather not have sex ever again. I have stopped initiating as it makes me sad to be turned down.

Hubby is on medication and suffers from stress due to his job. He has gone to the gp and is having tests etc.

If this problem is not going to be solved, or in the interim, what can I do to help myself? I miss the physical act of sex but also the intimacy. I am feeling really lonely and unloved. Im only in my 30s and am not ready for this. Someone suggested that I get regular massages from a massage therapist, go for regular hair cuts (for the touch factor) maybe try extreme sports (to replicate the excitement of sex)...

Any advice would be really appreciated.

If he isn't bothered about sex, presumably he wouldn't be bothered if you sought out a FWB?

There are a variety of ways you can negotiate that: "don't ask don't tell", agreed boundaries such as nobody within your social circle, a regular arrangement with one person or a series of one offs, he has to meet the person first, he never meets the person and you never mention them, etc.

Taking the pressure off him to meet those needs might help his stress levels, too.

If he wouldn't agree to open the marriage (after all the medical testing/treatment has been exhausted) then I'd have to leave, I'm afraid. Living with someone who doesn't want sex with you is just fucking soul destroying.

I didn't want your post to go unanswered, you it sounds like a very sad situation.

Does your husband value intimacy in your relationship? Not sex but intimacy.

He should be putting some effort in here. I would suggest rather than go to a massage therapist this is something your dh should be giving you. His touch and intimacy, not you having to go right outside the relationship for it.

Does he hold your hand, cuddle and kiss you? Does he nake time to listen to you? Take you out? None of these things HAVE to lead to sex but do help keep intimacy in a relationship.

I could be reading between the lines wrongly and making assumptions but your post reads like - he doesn't give you anything in terms of intimacy, not just sex.

Would he consider being there for you - a low libido doesn't have to mean both parties have to do without.

Have you had a honest conversation with him and told him how you feel?

very interesting idea NotTheFordType. I hadn't really thought of it like that. I'm not sure if hubby would go for this idea, but as you say there are different ways to do that. I'm wildly attracted to an older male friend, funnily enough. This friend is a carer for his wife who has a terminal illness and has been in and out of hospital. So my friend is probably too shattered and stressed to take on a FWB. My worry is that I would fall in love with anyone who I had wonderful sex with though. Probably most people would.

nonameavailable Hubby is quite affectionate when he is not stressed. He doesn't like to be touched but he used to rub my legs when sitting on the sofa etc. That's kind of died a death now due to stresses at work. We used to go on regular date nights but stopped these because of money worries. I do need to have an up to date conversation about how I am feeling about this issue. I am scared where it will lead though.

I'm really sorry but he doesn't like to be touched when he's stressed, he used to rub my legs, we used to go on date nights. It all sounds like everything is about him.

Oh and date nights don't need to cost a penny. It's not about where you go it's about taking that time to reconnect.

What do YOU want? Your in your 30s not 80s! What do YOU want???

Don't consider him for a moment. What do you want?

I say this as someone with an incredibly stressful job (about as stressful as you can get) being away from home for weeks at a time. I know about stress but I still consider and show affection to my dp. If I didn't I wouldn't expect to be in a relationship with him for very long. Sometimes that means despite being dead on my feet we sit and talk for hours. Yes that means sometimes I have to watch my tone (i get snappy when stressed and dp intereperts it as me having a superior tone) by the same note dp knows that when I am really having a shitty time and he makes me laugh - i instantly feel better. Relationships are all about consideration and care for each other. It's in the details where this shows.

I don't have any advice but wanted to commiserate.

You sound to be in a similar frame of mind to me. For good reasons (pregnancy and ill health) my ten year marriage has had perhaps three years of no intimacy. I'd find that hair cutting was strange because someone was touching me but all it did was make me miss even more what I had.

Periods of no sex were enough but to be added to have no intimacy no touching, no flirting, no chatting like that make me feel unwanted. Undesired. That's a really corrosive feeling in your 30s.

I'm questioning myself now whether I was ever wanted. It was over ten years ago that I arrived home to find my OH very keen to see me and enjoy passion but can't think of a more recent, more powerful time.

So: we have sex on average about every 2/3 months and it's functional. I feel awkward asking for more as I'm not sure it was ever there in the first place. I can't look at people on the TV being intimate, I have to turn away. And I find myself crying wondering whether I'm being unreasonable to want more and watching time ebb away.

Sorry to not be a help but your message struck home with me.

I had this. Relationship not marriage. I had to leave him before the last of my confidence left home. Best of luck aOp.

Another one here in a long-term sex-less marriage.

I haven't really discovered an adequate way of coping, but have found that taking very good care of my appearance, fitness and personal grooming really helps me to maintain some confidence. Ironically, I am in the best shape of my life and get a fair amount of male attention. Just no sex - grrr!

I think your friend's advice to make the most of massages, manicures, etc. is good. Touch is important. Likewise, a bit of (ahem) DIY whenever I get the chance means that I can keep the sexual part of me alive.

Not sure about extreme sports - might have to try that! But I do exercise a lot more since being in a sexless relationship. Think it might be a bit of a double-edged sword though - good as a short-term release but ultimately fuels the libido.

About a year and a half ago I tried a FWB arrangement, but it got complicated. I fell for him, so broke it off, which made me feel so sad. I don't regret it though, as the pain was worth it to feel desired again, which I had despaired of.

Good luck, OP. I hope things get better for you.

your post reads like - he doesn't give you anything in terms of intimacy, not just sex.

This stood out to me too OP.

I am sadly very familiar with your situation op, so I am reading this thread with interest. Really does sound like it's time to put your needs first now.x

Thanks all for the replies.

little oyster I read with interest what you wrote about your FWB. That is always a possibility for me. Could you say more about your experience if you don't mind? If I did this, I would plan it extensively with the other person. So I would plan for the possibility of falling for them, for instance, and not leaving a trail of evidence etc.

No problem, OP. I'm happy to tell you about whatever aspect of my FWB arrangements you might find useful. I've actually had two - one of which was pretty ideal, and the other one which, like I said, became messy and emotional. Feel free to PM me.

Thanks for the message little oyster, I'm trying to work out how to send a pm lol xx

I would also say that a FWB is a very good solution in this situation - just not sure someone looking after his terminally-ill wife is a good choice, though! You may be attracted to this man but he can't possibly be in a good place to do this sort of thing.

You want a relationship that is fun and light-hearted; which revolves around sex but has an element of affection. There are tons of websites where you can find a man in a similar situation as you. Someone with no connections to your social circle, who ideally doesn't live too close and who has as much to lose from being found out as you - that is the kind of lover you should look for.

Good luck. I am assuming you don't want a divorce, which is probably a better option, giving your husband doesn't want even non-sexual physical contact with you. I could possibly live with my DH without sex (albeit I'd definitively have a FWB), but not without some loving physical touch.

I ve just found this thread after going to write very much the same kind of post. I am very much in love with my Dh but feel very sad that I am considering ending my 18 year marriage as he is not interested in any sort of sex life. We haven't been intimate now for 6 years and I really don't think I can live like this any more. I am mid 40's and he is late 40's. I feel like I am living with my brother ! There is no physical affection whatsoever as he feels like I am pushing for things to go further whenever I try to instigate even a passionate kiss, so the only affection is a peck on the lips at bed time and this devastates me every single night. I feel unloved, unattractive and lonely in our marriage and find that I am constantly fantasising about every male that I encounter! I know with absolute certainty that he would see a fwb as a betrayal and would not willingly allow this, so I would have to keep this secret and I don't think I could live that lie. So I just wanted to say thanks for posting as I felt totally alone, embarrassed and wondering what to do.

I fully understand what you say and I too feel similarly towards my husband. I love him but feel very little desire coming from him. Occasionally he will initiate sex (perhaps once every 3 months or so, on average) but we went without sex for over a year at one point. He simply doesn’t seem to have much need for it. I have stopped initiating sex altogether because I can't bear being turned down constantly - it makes me feel repulsive, even though I am lucky to be really quite attractive. At least in my case he is still happy with non sexual contact and can actually be quite affectionate - he will cuddle and kiss me, for example, but the minute I part my lips he gently turns me away.

It is not his fault - we are all in a spectrum in terms of libido and we just happen to be at different points of the line. I have talked to him many times about how I feel but ultimately, I don’t think you can make someone desire sex. I have accepted this is the way it's going to be and try and focus on all the joy he brings in my life instead, on his many qualities and his brilliant parenting.

I meet my sexual needs elsewhere. I don’t think it is right to force him to have sex with me under threats of divorce or similar, simply because I don’t think it is in his power to change his libido. But equally, it is not reasonable to expect me to go the rest of my life without sex - to deny me this primal human need, just because he doesn’t feel it. I suppose I could divorce him and find someone more compatible on a sexual level. But I want my husband as my life partner and my soul mate, for ever. We also have children and breaking up my family just because I want to have sex would be very selfish.

A lover is the best solution and it certainly works for me. I don’t pressurise my husband for sex any longer - he is much, much happier because he doesn’t feel guilty for not wanting me. I am happy too, and my relationship with my lover has not affected, at all, how I feel about my husband. It is something else altogether.

I have chosen my lover very carefully - someone who lives and works in another city, who has no connections whatsoever to my world and who is also happily married. I am very carefully not to leave any tracks or evidence of this relationship. I am afraid I don’t feel guilty. This is a decision I thought about for years and I am satisfied is the best way forward in my situation. Deciding unilaterally to stop sex waives your right to exclusivity, in my book.

Pink does your Dh know and accept that you have a lover? Or is it discreet on your side?

He doesn't know. I am very careful and so is my lover. We don't see each other that often and when we do, it's never on our cities.

To the OP: I feel for you, I really do. If I didn't love my DW so much, I don't know where we would be now, although probably not together. It's been 13 years now and it was only the other day that we talked properly about it. I have some hope after our chat as she said that we used to have good sex and if she didn't worry so much about pain it would be, could be like it was. The reason we ended up talking about it is that she was on my tablet thingy the other day and asked who Ashley Madison was! I told her it was a website for married people to have affairs sort of thing and I told her that I signed up initially because about 5-6 years ago she did say that if I got really desperate, just make sure the person was clean.....I have never contacted anyone 'cos men have to pay (apparently ladies don't) and money was very tight and I didn't want to spend it on something "unessential" like that. So it's been the porn site for me ( prostatic health, I work in a GU theatre and don't want to end up on the table having an enlarged prostate surgically attended to...sorry if TMI)! I hope something works out for you, I really do 'cos it's soul destroying.

pink you just made my day! Not going into details but I totally get your post and applaud your honesty!

I'm in a similar position and have been thinking about a fwb I know someone who would be up for it. But does it not constitute as cheating? I'd also have to keep this discreet but I think I'd just keep thinking I was cheating on DP. But sick of having a sexless relationship. I love him dearly and would hate to end outlet relationship as everything is great apart from his lack of libido

I don't get why people are advocating having an affair. If you ask your DH if you can sleep around and he says yes the great. But if you sleep around and feel the need to hide it then clearly he won't agree.
Don't cheat on him OP. Just leave him.
He doesn't want to have sex and you have to respect that. If you can't physically live without it () then leave him and find someone else.

Funnily enough there's a post about a man complaining about his wife not giving him enough sex and he's getting flamed.

I wouldn't actually go through with it I don't think. even though I know he's willing and I've thought about it. But can't understand (saw the post your referring too) why he gets flamed & this isn't. Even though I do understand pink and why she's doing what she's doing. Each to their own I guess.