Confused about my sex life.....

[UnicornsShitRainbows]

Just to warn you, this may be long.

Been married to dh for 9 months, together nearly 3.5 years. Sex has always been an issue for me, I lost my virginity at 14 to a boy I didn't really like, and have always had a hard time with it. I have had two abusive (not sexually) relationships in the past, and have always struggled. Dh is a dom, and I am quite submissive and often passive. We have a decent sex life, 2 or 3 times a week in general, and I orgasm lots of times. We play with toys, bandage, anal, pegging, bdsm a little. But I am not openly passionate until we are actually doing the deed, and it frustrates him. He wants to know my deepest fantasies, but when I tell him I don't have any he doesn't believe me. I am beginning to come to the conclusion that while I love him dearly, I am just not a very sexual person but he can't seem to accept that. I happy to have sex with him 2 or 3 times a week, but I can't manage daily, and I just can't seem to initiate it myself. Must point out that it takes a lot for him to finish, usually doggy style and at least half an hour of sex. I have some health issues which makes this painful as he is rather ahem, large. He says that I am not trying, but honestly, 4 kids is a full time job for me, and up until a month ago I was working almost full time too. I also due to have surgery next week and can't have sex for 2 weeks after. I have my period at the moment so have only had sex once this week and that was anal and had to stop because it became painful. He finished himself off while I cuddled him. I get bad pains when I am on, and often don't feel like sorting him out, but I need to at least twice. I don't know if I need therapy, or if he does, or even if we are compatible.

This sounds quite abusive in my opinion as it sounds like you're doing stuff you don't want to. I'm all for finding a middle ground but I don't think this is it. 2-3 times a week seems a lot to me.

It's not abusive at all. I am happy with it, but I can't do more. We have only been married 9 months, I would have thought at this stage most people would be at it like rabbits?

hang on, you don't feel like sorting him out but you have to?

That is abuse. Simple.

The sub/Dom, the play, the toys, the anal. That I itself doesn't make it abusive but you having to put his sexual needs above your own most definitely is.

How does he act when you tell him you don't feel like having sex?

It sounds abusive to me too, sorry op.

Ask yourself this:
How often do you have sex because you want, and I mean actually want to, and how often do you have sex because he wants too?
How often does he cuddle ypou without it leading to sexual gratification on his part? What happens if you say no?

I'll give ypou a clue, IMO:

Normal response to being told no:
"Okay love, shall we cuddle instead then? How you feeling? How was your day?" Followed by cuddles and sleep.
Not normal in ANYWAY shape or form:
"Aww come on, I'm horny, don't ypou love me? Don't you fancy me? You're a miserable bastard, I can't live in a sexless relationship" followed by cuddles and him groping you and trying to gergert you to change your mind.

I think it sounds abusive and horrible for you.

I get bad period pains too and wouldn't feel like doing anything, so guess what - i don't, and dh is fine with that. What you describe is not fine.

He is very understanding if I say no. And also if we have to stop half way through. I can't fault him there. I am beginning to wonder if it's hormonal, I have been on the implant for 10 years and not really had any sex drive that whole time. I am being sterilised next week, so hopefully when I can have my implant removed my sex drive will change. I do enjoy it when it happens, very much until a certain point which I think is one of the problems. Because he is so large he seems to hit my cervix which causes pain. I had precancerous cells removed from my cervix 2 years ago. I hope it hormonal and will be easier once the implant is gone.

We cuddle often, no issue there, and sex just seems to happen when it happens, but he does start to get a little stressed once it's been a week without. But up until that point will quite happily cuddle instead. And I am happy with him, I just wish the sex part was a little easier. I am quite happy with all the bandage, anal etc, I enjoy it and it's only occasional so no problem there. Part of his issue is that his ex used him for sex to get pregnant and then abandoned him so I guess he is worried about similar. She would only ever do doggy style which explains why he struggles to climax in other positions. And she would only let him touch her about once a month.

It's supposed to be fun , your dh is making it grim imo.

This is the thing though, it is fun. When it happens. But I have no drive to make it happen. Can I change my sex drive? Is that even possible?

Doesn't sound very nice to me, maybe that's because I would hate all that stuff especially if I didn't feel horny.

The root cause of you libido issues could be a whole plethora of things, from tiredness to depression, medication side effects to lack of confidence. Its hard to say what the issue is without knowing far more than you can tell us here.

One thing is absolutely certain, and I know you've already said you enjoynit etc. But you should never allow yourself to be coerced physically or mentally into any sexual intercourse or sex act that causes you pain or that you simply don't want to do.

I'd suggest a trip to your gp first, explain to them, they might suggest blood tests etc just to rule things out.

Ah you the only one making changes? Why can't you meet in the middle (which to be honest it sounds like you are already doing)

Also, if he's large doggy and anal probably aren't going to be that pleasant for you at times. You sound really willing to meet his needs and adapt for him, what's he doing for you?

Do women really enjoy anal? Ouch ouch

He is amazing in every other way. He makes me laugh, will do anything for me and my kids, works long hours to keep our home, does home improvements on his one day off a week and is wonderful really. He has made a lot of changes to himself since we met as well, lost a lot of weight etc. I was diagnosed with vitamin d deficiency last winter, but I suspect it's more likely to be cfs really as it's not just in winter. I'm not depressed. I love him and I want to want sex, but I don't know how I can make that happen.

Horny goat weed herbal tablets have a great success rate for pumping up your libido! Just an idea!!
Personally am thinking it's because the things that you other enjoy (I would do all that also so not a criticism. !) are sex and not deeper 'love making' and it's not as easy to slip into the mood when it's like that. (for me anyway!) Maybe have loving nights without all the extras sometimes and see how things are then?

I agree with loving person, aouch and yuck.

Do women really enjoy anal? Ouch ouch
Many do, yes. It doesn't hurt when done properly.
Gay men learn how to do it, why should it be different for women?
I actively crave it at times!

OP, hormones could make a difference, but I do feel uneasy about your description of your sex life. It doesn't sound equally balanced and his complaint that you are not trying hard enough is just crap.

I think he's the one that needs therapy. I remember reading somewhere that 2-3 times per week was average, so it's not as if it's he's going without & you're doing all the normal stuff.
I think he's not treating you with respect though. Sounds like he's misreading you & your needs. Whilst general cuddles etc, do nothing for a lot of people, he should reach out & just be bloody nice to you as a starting point

Its very difficult to assess the sex lives of others from a distance and whilst not saying its abusive, i think there are unstated and unexplored issues going on here.

I think sharing lovemaking 2 or 3 times a week is doing quite well.

As fro him taking a long time to come,,maybe he has some emotional issues going on or maybe he just has a high sex drive and masturbates a lot thus reducing his ejaculatory response?

A good trick to try ,,when he is inside you in doggy,reach between your legs and massage his balls and perineum,,i cant see him lasting long when you do that.

Must point out that it takes a lot for him to finish, usually doggy style and at least half an hour of sex. I have some health issues which makes this painful as he is rather ahem, large. He says that I am not trying, but honestly, 4 kids is a full time job for me, and up until a month ago I was working almost full time too. I also due to have surgery next week and can't have sex for 2 weeks after. I have my period at the moment so have only had sex once this week and that was anal and had to stop because it became painful.

This sounds awful. Sorry. He really likes having sex when you're in pain doesn't he. And now you're trying to find out ways for you to like it/do it more?

He's a pig. I doubt therapy would help him, maybe if you went, it could help you.

I must admit to being confused, because it's sounding like to me, you are happy to have sex twice a week, but he's putting pressure on you for more. If you ask me, with what's going on with you health wise, and life wise. He should be more than happy with this.