Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Sex

You need to have been registered for 7 days to post in the Sex forum. Please don’t send unwanted PMs to other users.

Flip

Original poster

Is the way I feel normal?

19 replies

stopstaring123 · 17/09/2016 07:39

Nc obviously.
Sorry it's early but me and dh have just had our usual argument and I'm not sure who is right.
Basically dh wants sex a lot more than what we are having it. I aim for once a week but will admit it slips to fortnightly sometimes. He says even when it's once a week it's not the sex he wants. He wants the full on, (sorry it's cringe) love making milark.

I'm not body confident and will always have my boobs covered at the least as I can't relax with them out. He's very complimentary over them and it pisses him off I won't get them out.
He's also a vagina man. He loves to get up close, wants to lick me a lot etc. I just can't stand this at the moment and haven't liked it for a while. I'm happy to have it out as it's kind of essential but I do not want it stared at or having his face up close.
He thinks I'm BU over this and if it carries on ill need to see a sex counsellor.

This argument has been going on for ages now. He never feels satisfied and I can't see how we can compromise. Either he gets what he wants or I feel uncomfortable having bits out that I don't want out.

How do we get past it? Anyone experienced the same? Sorry it's a bit of a rant.

OP posts:

Jaysundaruler89 · 17/09/2016 09:10

How about wearing a crotchless bodystocking to try to help with the body confidence issues. You might feel a bit less exposed. You can also get peephole style bras.

You wearing a blindfold might be worth a try for when he gives you oral so that you can try to relax and enjoy it without feeling stared at or uncomfortable.

Have a look on Lovehoney for some more ideas. Hopefully if you feel happier, relaxed and more confident you will want to have sex a little bit more often too.

Hope this helps :)

AyeAmarok · 17/09/2016 09:13

Would you feel more confident if it was pitch black?

What I mean is, if he couldn't see your boobs/vagina, but could feel them, would you be more comfortable with that?

RoseDeGambrinus · 17/09/2016 09:21

With oral sex, is it just that you don't like being looked at, or is it that it doesn't do anything for you anyway? Also, you've told us what he likes, what do you like?

Original poster

stopstaring123 · 17/09/2016 09:33

I don't know what it is, I just can't relax with him down there. I'm so uptight at the moment, I feel like I say no to everything and I can understand how frustrating that is to him, but if I don't feel sexy I can't just put it on.
I've had a lot of problems with thrush in the past and so have an eternal hang up that I might be smelly or have discharge, even if I've just washed. It's all under control now but I still worry.
The main thing I hate is being on show. I don't want lots of attention on me but he wants to plaster it on.

Doing it in the dark is something I could try. I feel a bit out of control nor being able to see anything and it sets my anxiety off if I'm not careful but it's worth trying.

I sound like a right laugh don't I

OP posts:

Jaysundaruler89 · 17/09/2016 09:44

Don't worry you're not alone. I went through this too after childbirth I felt really unsexy and tired. I didn't like my new bigger, slightly saggier boobs and like you cringed every time my DH headed South worrying it looked different, smelled even when freshly washed or tasted a bit funny. Flavoured lube is now my friend for oral and lets me relax and enjoy it knowing it tastes and smells nice :)

Baeb · 17/09/2016 09:46

Well I don't like oral. Lots of people don't. It's just a preference thing, and the fact that he's making you feel like shit and pressurised over it is rubbish. I can't think of anything less likely to get you in the mood in fact!

By all means try Jay's suggestions if this is something you really want to tackle for yourself, but I'm not too sure about just doing something reluctantly like that.

Forgetting your DH's desires for a bit - would you like counselling for yourself? Do you have general anxiety and is that something you could tackle with a GP's help?

Jaysundaruler89 · 17/09/2016 09:52

Have you tried a soak in the bath to relax yourself a bit before sex?

Do you masturbate at all? It's a really good idea to reconnect with yourself and to know how and where you like to be touched.

Do you read any erotica? Again it might help to fire up some naughty thoughts in your brain and turn you on.

Do you still kiss, hug and hold hands when you are together? It can be hard to go from no contact at all to having full on sex. If you keep the basics going and are still tactile and connected it is easier to keep the intimacy between you alive.

Sorry for all the questions but I just want to try to help as I've been in the same situation myself :)

Jaysundaruler89 · 17/09/2016 10:01

Sorry cross posted with Baeb. +1 to what they said.

There is nothing worse than feeling pressured to perform. I know that I need to feel comfortable, relaxed and loved to have sex. It might be an idea to talk to your DH again and let him know if you do feel pressured. Possibly take sex off the menu altogether for a bit. Go back to basics, spend quality time together like when you were first dating and when you feel ready again reintroduce sex again but slowly and with your pleasure in mind.

I know they often say that men need sex to feel loved but a lot of us women, myself included need to feel loved to want sex.

Jaysundaruler89 · 17/09/2016 11:24

Re: the blindfold suggestion I mentioned earlier. If you are anxious about it being too dark you could maybe dim the lights instead really low so that you can still see a little bit or put some fairylights around the bed so that they give a very soft lighting effect with the main lights off. You can also get lace blindfolds so that you have a bit of sight still left but it is filtered through the lace. They look really pretty and feel really nice too.

When you mentioned your DH is not happy with the sex he gets and wants the whole shebang are we talking an hour or more of thrusting (doing longer sessions before we discovered lube left me uncomfortable, chafed and started off my own thrush problem yet again) or sexual gymnastics? Has he been getting his ideas from porn? Sometimes a fun quickie is just as satisfying if you are feeling tired and don't have much time and you can keep the longer sessions for when you are feeling less tired and have plenty of time to enjoy it.

It's quality not quantity that's important and he should be wanting you to enjoy yourself and get the most out of it that you can. He may say he is not feeling satisfied but what about you? Your satisfaction is really important too.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/09/2016 11:28

Do you want to have sex with him?

Your post sounds like you're doing this because you know he wants it, rather than getting anything out of it.

Mrswinkler · 17/09/2016 17:49

You need talk to a professional about this. It sounds like it might be other things in your life you are not addressing rather than just sex. I'd give counselling a go, with your husband and on your own.

VashtaNerada · 17/09/2016 17:57

The key things here are:
It's your body and your decision.
If he really cares about you he will be kind and let things progress at your own pace. He has to stop with the guilt, I wouldn't want to have sex if I felt I was being judged.

MephistoMarley · 17/09/2016 23:07

It's not about 'normal' but it's a real shame for you that you can't relax and enjoy being sexual. From your husband's perspective, it sounds like he would like you to enjoy sex more and from your perspective it would be a lot nicer if you weren't so shut of from your sexuality.
Maybe some sex therapy would be a good idea?

TheNaze73 · 18/09/2016 12:30

I agree with mephisto Sex therapy sounds like the answer

Verbena37 · 23/09/2016 19:16

You could blindfold your dh so whilst he is down there, so he isn't looking? I think he would still enjoy it.
But your post does seem as though you would really be preferring to say no to it all at the moment, which is totally what you should do if you don't feel comfy.

LuluJakey1 · 24/09/2016 15:57

It doesn't sound like sex is something you enjoy - rather that you endure it once a week and just get through it. Is that accurate?

ivykaty44 · 24/09/2016 16:03

I would second the bath, then you would be relaxed and you would know you are clean ( as that's reasurung) would you have a bath together?

flumpybear · 24/09/2016 16:16

Ha e you tried some wine/alcohol to help relax a bit?

beckythemasterbaker · 24/09/2016 16:24

Have you tried a soak in the bath to relax yourself a bit before sex? That would be her downfall if she has issues with thrush. It increase your risk of getting thrush or making it worse.

Are you sure you are not having sex with the wrong person? I don't believe in people changing their attitude to fit with what someone else wants. You feel uncomfortable, it not a good idea to try and please him just because you have guilt. If this problem was not there before, you should sort the problem out first. You can only do this if you want to do so too. For yourself and not for him.

Him going down on you can cause thrush too if he has it in his mouth. The best way to sort out your recurring problem is taking the medication together. This would treat both of your thrush. Men get thrush in the penis too. Thrush in men is less noticeable and every time you treat yourself, he re-infects you again and again.

I do think that he should try and understand your feeling.

Flip

This topic prevents users from posting on it until they have been members for at least 7 days.