Dom for beginners...

[backonthebikeagain]

Bit of background, I was seeing this guy for a while, he told me then he liked a dominant woman but nothing more. We've had a couple of months apart due to various reasons. We're now back in contact and he's told me he was once a sub and loved it.

I hate not being in control so like the idea of this. But, I'm not very confident in the bedroom. How do I get started? He likes the role being taken out of the bedroom as well...

ask him?

I will but I wanted to get some tips first so that I can surprise him 😉

Really you should ask, Ds is built upon a large amount of trust and communication and if he has been a sub before he will know this and not mind at all. After all you don't have a clue what sort of things he is into and what kind of submission works for him (and you)?

What works for one person may trigger another in a bad way. For instance some might like to be spanked, for others this could be grounds to ring the police. Many people like being tied up, for someone this could trigger a panic attack.

Discussions of safe words and limits need to take place for both people!!!!

Off the top of my head try books like screw the roses send me the thorns, SM101, topping for beginners. Or free of charge Fetlife is a popular website devoted to the kinkier side of sex/life. You'll find a huge amount of groups on all different topics like novices and newbies, ask a dominant, humiliation, bondage, exhibitionism etc depending on what you both may be into.

If you want to leap in, definitely set up a safe word first. Bedroom's probably easier to do it first. Take control by making it about your pleasure he is there to serve you, doesn't even get to orgasm if you don't want him to. Try some mental rather than physical bondage getting him to place his hands above his head or behind his back, no moving them. Put him in submissive positions, on his knees while you're standing/sitting to give you oral for instance. Ask permission before he orgasms. Maybe him naked to do tasks around the house while you are fully clothed. None of those are really far out in any way but a little nod to Ds to catch your bearings.

Have fun

Thank you :) I'm very open to the idea of this.

One thing that is playing on mind though, is if we have a ds relationship can that be it or do you generally have a bf/gf relationship side too? I guess I could just see him for sex/ds but then how do you truly build the trust? I do really need to talk to him.

Thanks for the reading recommendations, I will look at those now...

Every relationship has a different dynamic. It's perfectly reasonable to have a normal bf/gf relationship with a D/s side at times (I've done this but stick to just the bedroom these days ), I know of ones who have an equal relationship but the sub may refer to the Dom/me in certain situations and there are those that do it 24/7. There's no one size fits all or 'true way', it can be nuanced but something that generally develops through a lot of talking of what each person wants.

You definitely need to talk about it. I am a sub (well, more a masochist/spankee but there's sub stuff as well). I LOVE discussing what I'm into with a partner who is up for the idea. Talking about it is half the fun. And I have had some very successful BDSM relationships with people who were initially inexperienced but enthusiastic and curious to the idea at the beginning.

But being 'submissive' covers a million different things. There's no script. Don't try to surprise him. Find out what he's into.

Oh, and by the way Domme women are far rarer than Dom men. If you're into the idea, you're like gold dust. He'd be a fool not to cooperate.

As pp have said, you need to talk a lot to each other about what you like, don't like, will accept, will not accept. Everyone is different. We have a mild Dom/Sub sexual relationship, but Cavewoman doesn't like pain, or bondage. So we have no need for "safe words". It all depends on the couple.

We talked a lot about it last night. It's definitely something I'm open to. I just need to gain some confidence... I just hope I can live up to what he's experienced before. Thanks all 😀

Great stuff You'll find loads of handy bdsm checklists online to start you off with lists of activities and roles and your interests in them. Always fun for initiating conversations and comparing.

You shouldn't really need safewords at the start as there should be good feedback throughout and communication after. I identify more as sub and although my inclinations lean more heavily that way, I do switch the odd time now. I've also successfully managed to convert a few non kinksters by taking it slow and not rushing them into it, something your partner should do as you learn your confidence.

I think there's a danger with an inexperienced domme that you end up putting on a show. Does he have a submission fetish or is he a true sub? If he's a true sub, he'll want to please you. So what do you want? Servicing you should make him happy. If he just has a submission fetish and wants a pro domme without the price tag - I got nothing, I can't be arsed with that type, and they're much more common that real subs.

Get a riding crop. If he likes spanking they really do feel incredibly good.

If he likes public humiliation go to a party.

But as all PP said communication is crucial. Ask what are his fantasies.

Thanks all. It seems to be going well so far! I have more domme in me then I though ;)

*thought!

Hi op

Tell him to go get you a drink gin and tonic for example, he must be naked

You in heels nice spiky ones mind, when he gives you your drink make him kneel down on all fours and use him as either a coffee table or a stool to put your feet up on. Jab him now and again with the heels if he moves.

Also ice with your drink, either insert ice in his arse or between his cheeks. If you smoke leave the cigarette in the ashtray to warm it up a bit on his back.