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Does her reading "cheat" stories mean she wants to cheat?

9 replies

eyess · 26/08/2016 21:44

My DW and I have maybe been intimate three times since DS was born two years ago.

She has some games on her iPad for our DS, and he quite often wants to play "mumums tap tap with daddad" iyswim, so he brings it over to me and we play. Knowing that double tapping the circle button brings up the list of previous apps and it tends to load them faster, I do that.

Scrolling through to get to the Hey Duggee game I see a page with the word "cheat" on a big red header and my heart immediately jumps into my mouth after I scan down and catch snippets such as "cum dribbling out" and "I'm not done with you", "fanny ached" I can't really remember much but you get the idea.

I'd just like a bit of advice really, does her specifically searching for cheat stories mean she wants to cheat?

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humblesims · 26/08/2016 22:15

It's not necessarily so at all. A lot of women like to read erotic literature. In the same way that other people like to look at porn and for the same reasons.

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ipswichwitch · 26/08/2016 22:18

Not necessarily. I read a lot of murder type books, doesn't mean I want to go and kill somebody.
Do you have any other reason to think she may be cheating? Have you spoken to her about your sex life?

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Boiing · 26/08/2016 22:31

Nope. A lot of people are turned on most by the 'forbidden', doesn't mean they want to do it. Read Nancy Friday's Secret Garden if you want to know what women really fantasise about. Must have been a nasty shock to see that word but I would just make a joke about it and see how she reacts before worrying at all. Also she should really get in the habit of not looking at anything sexual on the ipad if your child has access to it - awkward conversation but an important one.

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eyess · 26/08/2016 22:37

I don't have any other reason to suspect she is cheating, nor do I honestly think she is.

Our boys birth was hard on her, and I gave her space, we talked early on about it and we agreed she wasn't ready, she would use her vibrator to rediscover herself after her vagina had literally changed shape after childbirth.

I kept a respectful distance for a year and a half, not really having any indication that she was ready, until one night after i asked her if she'd like me to come to bed with her (i go to bed with her most nights, some nights i don't, and on this particular night i wasn't going to unless she wanted me to), she said no she was going to sleep. I went back in five minutes later to grab something to find her laying on her front (her favoured vibration position) reading something. I thought she was going to go to sleep, but felt like she just wanted to get rid of me so she could vibe, and I asked her if it was me, had I done something, but no, she said it was her, she doesn't like people touching her anymore, subconsciously she thinks it may be to protect her hip which has a habit of clicking itself out of place... And that just turned into a stream of consciousness.

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eyess · 26/08/2016 22:43

Thanks for the replies so far, i appreciate it. I hit post because my phone is about to run out of battery and didn't want to lose all that, but there is more and I will write about it tomorrow.

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AkimboLimbo · 27/08/2016 12:07

No I don't think that what you read is an indication of what you want to do.
It's quite possible that she is trying to revive her sex drive.

It's lovely that you have kept a respectful distance and are not pressuring her for sex. It is difficult after having babies as you don't quite feel your body is your own anymore so anyone else wanting a bit of it can be incredibly irritating.

I do think you might need to start working with her on the touching, so it is safe, non-sexual but affectionate. You need a physical connection if you want to rebuild your sex life. And you need to find positions that work for her if she has problems with her hip.

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eyess · 27/08/2016 18:01

Right, thank you. Lots of lovely advice. I will mention that I came across an erotic story on her iPad, won't go into details about what kind of story as she will probably have an idea, and ask her to be careful about what she looks at on there because of DS.

Reestablishing a physical connection is next. It's like since DS has been born she's frozen me out physically, but thanks akimbo, I now have a better understanding of why. She is on her period at the moment and doesn't like to have sex while she is, so I could suggest a "definitely no sex just a cuddle" tonight. Positions wise, we are clued up on, her hip is a long standing problem that we know how to work around.

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eyess · 28/08/2016 07:32

I'm going to ask of this can be renamed and moved to relationships as my issue with the "cheat" story has been resolved. I told her last night and she did say it was just something to read and that just because she read it doesn't mean she wants to act it out.

We takes about other things last night as well, I started by asking if we could work together towards reestablishing an emotional and physical connection and she said I sounded like something out of a textbook. So basically I told her I just want to be able to touch her again with her not recoilling away. I really miss the physical contact. She did get very defensive at one point, saying that she felt she was the one who had to change, and everything she said was turned around to being her fault.

In the end, it was definitely her back and hip that she is protecting by not letting me touch her, because she is a mother now and if she has to take time off work then she won't be earning enough to put a roof over DS head or food in his mouth. While we split the childcare two ways evenly, she has quite a well paid job whereas I am on minimum wage, so she brings in a lot more than I do. I felt like she was having a go at me for not earning enough and reminded her that because of childcare I can't do any more hours and she said she knows that, she wasn't having a go. I offered to pay more somehow, but she said no. I suggested maybe downsizing to lower the mortgage payments but she doesn't think that would make much of a difference.

I asked her if she ever wanted to have sex with me again and after a pause she let out a little yes that had a questioning inflection at the end, like "yes?". In the end we agreed that if I want to touch her, like have a cuddle in bed, or even to wipe a bit of fluff off her face, I have to ask first.

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lakefaith · 02/09/2016 02:41

Maybe you could talk to each other. Talking about how she feels, what has changed in her eyes and what she would like to do about it. Then how your feeling and how you both can work together to bring the changes needed. Your wife clearly wants sex as she is pleasing herself so there is a problem with your relationship or in how she is feeling. Talk with her.

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