Reconciling and reconnecting

[gingergeranium]

Hi

Have nc.

I apologise in advance as this may be too vague. I don't want to or mean drip feed. I want to try to ring fence it to the central matter.

My DH and I had a wonderful ds 3 years ago.

We've had some issues since, and I've been rather poorly too. So sex was fairly non existent.

I still have some resentment over some of his attitudes in the recent past. They were mainly around my Bf ds and I have a gentler (but not permissive) approach to parenting. DH is quite old fashioned but has learnt lots and has made huge attempts to change (mainly as he saw how it didn't work!) Our relationship has moved on and improved but I still struggle sometimes.

It's been very busy recently. It's been logistically difficult to have sex! However it's not a priority for me to be honest - sometimes as I'm in pain and very tired. Sometimes as we've argued or sometimes because I'm still struggling with his attitudes. He wasn't very supportive when I was very ill though has since said he was wrong. However, it's hard not to feel he abandoned me emotionally at that time.

Last night he asked "do you think we will ever have a good sex life again?"

Firstly I found this hard as it felt very all at my door. I pointed out its better to ask how can we improve things? What can I do?

Secondly - how do I explain and move past some of the stuff that has hurt me and is holding me back? I think it's holding me back as I don't really know if he gets how hurt I have been.

I've said I feel we need a stronger bond and to work on reconnecting.

I kind of need practical things to say to him.

What's in a word? Sometimes a great deal. I'm wondering if getting the conversation around to whether it's really just a sex life to him or a love life. One is so much deeper and more fulfilling but requires a damn sight more emotional commitment and understanding.

Perfect, thank you.

It's the right semantics I need to help us both get on the right track.

I think in this situation where you seem to want a positive outcome for your relationship then some counselling would be the answer.

How open to it would your traditional partner be?

He is, we've had some difficulty trying to work out timings for child care. The idea came up again yesterday. We do often find we talk about counselling but then find a way through. I think really we needed it a couple of years ago.

We've since had some open discussions about "love life" not "sex life". (He said it before I did actually).

I've been honest about how I did feel hurt by various things in the past and he's been acknowledging this. He himself recognised the tiny things in the day that add up to a love life.

We are very stretched in our lives generally. He has a wider social network than me, partly due to the type of work he does (often awards evenings etc). I've reminded him that we do have to make time and space to reconnect; it's no good complaining after a month when we've had people staying, he's been away twice and we went on a family holiday all crammed into one room. And he's totally accepted this.

I personally need to tackle some forgiveness issues actually - I'm struggling to forgive I mean.