Want to enjoy sex!

[Northernnightingale86]

Arghhh I don't know what to do (plus can't believe I am actually posting this as I'm rather private and a "good girl" but would love to be confident in the sex department. You know quiet and polite in public but naughty in the bedroom lol)
Been with dh a decade and married for over 3 years. Dd is almost 3.

He is my first and only sexual experience. Met at uni and I had never had a boyfriend or any experience at all.
Had a bit of a grope of a man once at uni whilst drunk after going home with him but my lack of experience and self confidence issues meant it just led to touching and nothing else.

So things started ok nothing magic but I was nervous and assumed things would improve.
I started to enjoy it more but never ever climaxed. I think I was just happy to finally be having sex at 20.
So a decade on and I have not climaxed with him ever still.
He won't go down on me and doesn't want to. I'm really ticklish so find I sometimes giggle at unfortunate moments.
He tries and when he's doing well I tell him but he can't maintain manual stimulation for long and his pressure will change, or fingers will move and then it's lost. I don't seem to climax during penetrative and can't seem to get an angle where I get clitoral stimulation too.
Now here is the honest bit, I may have spent the last decade moaning and implying that it's all good.
I know I should have said sooner, but it's too late now. I can't tell him it's not been great for a decade!
Oh how I dream of a sexual experience that brings that almighty climax. I know it's there as solo I can get to it but through fairly high pressure rubbing and if it's in the wrong place I just need a wee.
What can I do??
We don't have sex anymore (relationship issues anyway but why bother if I don't get anything from it)
I am quite a critical person in life and I think he often feels I pick on him and overly criticise him (am a perfectionist) so I don't want to start criticising this too.

Ooh lots of issues there.

He sounds hopeless in bed tbh. But you need to communicate with him.

I couldn't be with someone who would never go down on me. That's just miserable.

Could you touch yourself during sex and make yourself come that way?

All a bit moot if you're not actually having sex anymore though!

Oh god. This rings so true with me. Not 10years though..

Boyfriend definitely isn't useless in bed, he tries but I think it's just something about me

U need to get on lovehoney and find something for some u time. Then when u know what u need to do u can show him too!!

I want to have sex again and think we will. It's just a big hurdle to over come.
Im fine playing with myself in front of him but not a fan of feeling the centre of attention with it. Does that make sense at all. Not an all eyes on me kind of girl.
Really wish I'd had more experiences when younger and got confident and figure out what I liked as neither of us are adventurous.
Oh and I should prob mention that I had some mental health issues about 6 years ago and that screwed our sex life. It got painful and made me very nervous doing it (I cried sometimes) but he was very supportive.

Waiting to find out if there is a magic thing that I've not known about for 15 years...I can only climax with a vibrator (which has died, I need to buy a new one) I too wonder what is the point in having sex sometimes as it never ends 'well' for me but I too have spent the last 14 years kind of lying about it. I didn't want to be unkind to dh and put him off, but I've reached the point where I don't give a fuck now, I just want to come first for a change (pun intended)!

Not sure I've moved past that.
I want mind blowing sex as from previous experience its not all that! (and I know it can be for most people)

He sounds crap in bed. He also sounds like a very lazy lover.

Also you may not be very critical about things, you probably just have high standards! Like me!!

My exH announced he didn't do that oral sex thing......he was shit in bed and very selfish. I often felt like he was a teenager groping me.
I usually had to sort myself out. I have a great partner now and have no problems!!

zigzag I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. Everyone seems to have amazing sex lives and I want it too.

Buy yourself a bullet and use it during intercourse - at least you will end up satisfied.

I don't think experimentation at a younger age is relevant - you need to experiment with each other.

Might be worth reading some erotica to get some idea of things you might like to try. Then suggest it to him - might be worth a few drinks first. You could write it down and give it to him, or send him a text.
Once you are better able to communicate you will stand a better chance of improving things.

Yes he is rubbish in bed, but it's not entirely his fault. There are plenty of women who don't like giving oral sex, men are allowed to not like giving it too.

You don't have to feel self conscious about being the centre of attention. There are many positions where you could face away from him - lie on your front with your hips on a pillow and a small vibrator in place. On all fours using hands or toy on yourself, reverse cowgirl with the same idea.

Or close your eyes and think of a nice fantasy...

Rubbish about the oral though...has he even tried when you are fresh from the bath or shower...? I'm really surprised at the amount of times I read that partners don't do this on here. Make and female. It's a really important part of foreplay for me, and my partner.

I seriously couldn't be with someone who didn't do oral, has he ever even tried it? He does sound like a lazy shit in bed lover tbh.

Communication will be the only thing that begins to better this I'm afraid, your going to have to tell him in a caring way that you want things to change in the bedroom.

I second reading some erotica, purchasing some sex toys and locking yourselfs in your bedrrom once DD is asleep one night and experimenting.

Browse love honey and read some erotic literature. Work out what turns you on (At least 50% of the secret to good sex starts in the mind). Play! Arrange some different scenarios, from high school spin the bottle through to strangers in a hotel. Definitely invest in a vibrator and look at bed room kit you both enjoy wearing/seeing/feel sexy in. Also flirt with each other. Sex for me and DH starts way before the bedroom with kisses, touches and banter. We like to appreciate each other. I also strongly recommend a few sex toys; even if your partner won't go down on you, he should be happy to use a few toys that do something similar.

Good luck, OP. Its easy to get into a rut with sex, but as you are starting afresh, you have the chance to reset it.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I have been perusing love honey and have purchased a bullet to play with myself to discover what I like. Then I can sit down and tell dh that I am not happy in the bedroom and we need to think of ways to start afresh.
I think I have the problem that each time I hope it will be better than the last. I get excited and then disappointed.
I have no idea if he has ever done oral. I'm fine if he doesn't like it, I wouldn't force him but he's not good with his hands either so I'm left with nothing.

I'm concerned that any fantasies I have won't involve dh as I only seem to be able to fantasise about amazing sex with other people which I guess is because I've never had it with him.

Have fun exploring and let us know how things go.

The butterfly vibe is a good one from Love honey too.