Having sex just to make your partner happy

[YoJesse]

We are no longer together but just pondering.

I totally fancied the pants off my ex and enjoyed sex when I felt like it but we had completely miss matched sex drives and I could have happily just had sex once or twice a week if it was up to me. He needed sex all the time and could be quite moody if he was rejected (he has confidence issues) so I just got in the habit of obliging for an easy life. Although It never felt like it was abuse it felt empty and soulless sometimes but the moody alternative wasn't worth saying 'no thanks' to. Also occasionally I might want to
Does this happen a lot to people in long term relationships? People's sex drives Must vary a lot and that initial spark can't always be there.

I'm no where near even thinking about relationships at the moment (although a few months without sex has reminded me I've actually got an active sex drive)!

I have done it. I used to think a lot more of the 'if you start off you'll probably enjoy it' theory. I now think that having sex when you don't want to is really damaging in many ways. However I have got much better at paying attention to my own arousal and at encouraging some bloody seduction by the person who gets aroused first.

I'm lucky though that I think I am in oerimenopause and my sex drive is higher as a result.

I'm in this position and I feel very lost about the whole situation as I think it's damaging our relationship - tried to discuss it but it ends up in an argument....I'm beginning to feel resentful! Do you think that's what ultimately finished your relationship?

I've been with my husband for over 30 years, and no, this doesn't happen in long term relationships

Having sex because otherwise there will be huffs and tantrums and sulks is co-ercive and abusive and has no place in any good relationship

By they way Jesse, I'm glad to see he's still 'ex'

ananedale I had that 'maybe I'll start to get into it' attitude too and sometimes I really did and it would be great. I think tiredness is a massive passion killer for me.

daisymai08 we split for many, many reasons and I didn't even consider this as one but you know the way you start to disect relationship issues after it's finished. It's the relationship autopsy!
I'm sorry you feel lost. It can feel quite lonely because you're about as physically close as you can be with someone but you feel detached from it. I hope you and your partner can work through it.

XDH was like this. New lovely wonderful DH isn't. (Although quite rightly he does object to being low on my list of priorities and feeling taken for granted!)

Thanks costa your advice on relationships is always brilliant.

Can I ask though how your dh (or you) reacts if one of you wants sex but the other one doesn't?

Thanks this is a helpful thread there are other issues but this is one of them....

We don't react at all, just have a hug and go to sleep or whatever, life goes on

How can someone enjoy sex knowing the other person isn't into it? That's not an equal relationship

I don't think you've always thought my advice has been brilliant - but I'm glad you've got to the place you are now, and if I helped in any way, that's great

I sometimes will do it if I can be bothered. I used to do it a lot and then all of a sudden it caught up on me and I stopped wanting sex completely.
I've listened to my body more as I've gotten older. I know that sometimes I'm a bit lazy and don't want sex cos I can't be arsed to move around, so I tell dh that if he really wants it he can but it must be quick and my head must remain on the pillow at all times
Tbh it's a mood killer for him too. It's no fun unless you both want it.

True costa but it's what I needed to hear, I guess.

There was a power imbalance in our relationship I think. It's hard to pinpoint how. The thing is although I've made him out to be a total shit on here but underneath he was also a very troubled man with lots of issues from a neglected childhood and I felt like he couldn't deal well with being rejected in any way. He'd take things like me choosing to spend time with friends or family over him as a rejection so have your sexual advances rejected was just about the worst thing he could have.

Mrpony I think that's what I called hangover sex. Couldn't be bothered to move but not limited actively not up for it IYSWIM.

Any kind of stroppy behaviour from being turned down for sex is completely unacceptable and no-one should ever feel they should give in to that kind of pressure. I cannot comprehend being willing to have sex with someone who doesn't want to.

However, there have been occasions when I have been fairly indifferent to sex at that moment and I might go along with it knowing that I will still enjoy it. (usually down to tiredness)
Most of the time, if either of us aren't up for it, then we kiss, roll over and go to sleep. It has never once caused any ill-feeling.

I any relationship, saying no to sex should not cause any problems at that time. There may be long-term issues from mismatched sex drives, but that needs discussing in a grown up manner, away from the bedroom.

There's a difference between having sex to make your partner happy, and doing it to avoid a guilt-tripping strop. I sometimes do it when I'm not really keen if I know DH is really in the mood, but he would never put pressure on me, make me feel guilty or behave like a petulant teen. I've had boyfriends in the past who did - there is a big difference.

I agree imogen and I've done both before as in I've used it as a way to make my ex happy and also to avoid him being a sulking dick. Big difference between the two. I just hated the way an evening (or morning, afternoon,anytime really) could be ruined if I said no. he'd never apply any physical pressure BTW.