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Porn....

11 replies

lalalaimnotlistening · 22/07/2016 14:24

I have, on numerous occasions, found porn on my DP's iPad and this makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don't really know why I understand it's healthy to masturbate but I feel almost cheated on knowing that he's getting off watching this stuff. I have brought it up with him but it just causes an argument. Aibu or does anyone else feel the same??

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nmg85 · 22/07/2016 15:50

I think YABU but everyone is different. Doesn't bother me if DH watches porn and we even watch it together sometimes. Men often can't use their imagination when masturbating so they need the visual stimulation. In my eyes if he is still showing interest in you then you have nothing to worry about, if he was only able to get off using porn then worry.

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JohnJ80 · 22/07/2016 16:15

I sympathise, having had partners who used porn. While it not being a make or break issue exactly it did feel cheapening.

I can't help but conclude porn in all its forms is intrinsically damaging. It's largely misogynist but even when it isn't it still turns human sexuality into a cheap commodity. In print porn was at least regulated, but on the Wild West of the internet it has proliferated into dark, twisted and violent representations of sexuality that are increasingly blurring with normal ones - to the point where people potentially lack any concept of normal, healthy sexuality at all.

Plus, there are the concerns women like yourself must have about their partner preffering screen images of porn starlets to their real life partner.
When they are using but furtively like your DP it must be particularly hurtful.

I did use it as a younger man with the advent of the internet, but then read the most shocking book about the porn industry that was the equivalent of one of those documentaries about abattoir practices that put you off eating meet forever. Also, having a daughter changes everything. I now imagine young women not much older than her ensnared in the porn industry.

I am not suggesting everyone who uses porn is being psychosexually corrupted; but some people who do (particularly men) are. In all, if a magic wand could make it all disappear in a flash then the world would be a better place as a result.

Not my business, but if it does make you sick to the stomach you should not stand for it. There is no reason why you should.

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TheNaze73 · 22/07/2016 16:46

I think you have two options. Leave him or embrace it. nmg is spot on, sex & porn are two very different things. Don't feel threatened. Get amongst it

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LilacSpunkMonkey · 22/07/2016 16:49

Men can't used their imaginations when masturbating.

What horseshit. Talk about infantalising men. Of course they can use their bloody imaginations. If some men choose not to (like some women) that's their choice but don't say they can't.

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nmg85 · 22/07/2016 17:31

Some people men / women actually probably can't use their imagination, not everyone finds it easy to use it in any area of their life not just sex, but I agree some choose not to do so. You shouldn't discredit someones view so easily (and in such a rude way).

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lalalaimnotlistening · 22/07/2016 17:42

I think in all honesty it's probably my own issue as I do sometimes suffer with low self esteem. We have a very healthy and active sex life and he's a great partner in all other aspects but for some reason the porn really bothers me. I'm not against us watching it together and have even suggested that but he's not keen on the idea, I suppose that makes me feel like it's his secret dirty pleasure or something... Another thing is the content of what he watches, it seems to be the same type of videos every time which is probably what makes it feel worse for me.

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nmg85 · 22/07/2016 18:13

What does he watch? Are you concerned about the actual content or that he only watches one kind?

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lalalaimnotlistening · 22/07/2016 18:59

I think it's a bit of both really. He watches "ebony" porn. I'm white so I suppose it makes me feel like I can't (physically) live up to his fantasies or something Confused Not that I'm bothered as such by the type of content though IYSWIM.

If he was really into porn where it was secretary dress up or anal or whatever then obviously I could do that with him/for him so I don't think it would feel as bad about it. Blush

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AnecdotalEvidence · 24/07/2016 11:26

Porn has never bothered me because I've always liked it myself. I know that when I am watching it, I'm not interested in the people personally, if anything, I am fantasising about having sex with my husband. He is who I think about and he is the only one I want, but I find visual images a huge turn on (I like written porn too). There is no part of me that can relate to the concept of it being cheating. We watch it together and separately, but it's more of an occasional thing than it is a regular event.

There is a lot of truly awful porn out there, that I would never watch, but there's a lot that doesn't fit that stereotypical image and is incredibly erotic.

I don't know what the best thing to do if 1 partner uses porn and the other doesn't like it. If the objection is strong then I think it has to be a condition made clear from the start and both people need to agree willingly to a no porn rule.
Where I think things go wrong is when 1 person objects to porn and tells the other person not to watch it anymore. They agree under duress in order to keep the other person happy but continue to watch it anyway. Neither person can see the other's position and it just ends up leading to this cycle of arguments.

I don't quite understand why he doesn't want to watch it with you, unless he would just feel really awkward about that. I don't think it's a problem having fantasies that are outside what he can do with you. I can fantasise about having sex with women and find that a huge turn on, but I have absolutely no desire to actually have sex with a woman.

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0phelia · 26/07/2016 11:42

I understand it's problematic that he likes to watch black women getting fucked, you're white, you can't perform "being black".

I have a friend who discovered her partner had a porn habit, with a preference for strong muscle women.
She is a slim slight delicate build (and beautiful) so she couldn't understand why he was wanking off to these vids of women completely unlike her.

Their relationship suffered a total breakdown but it was mostly down to the frequency that he watched the porn, she would often walk in on him or catch him mid-porn and it reached that unacceptable point.

It's hurtful. You have no requirement to accept it if you don't want to.

Does he watch it too much in your opinion? Do you feel inadequate? Do you believe he is a racist and misogynist too?
All these feelings will have consequences for your relationship, it's up to you how much you accept.

There's a harmless element and a problem element. Draw your own line.

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Eekaman · 28/07/2016 01:03

I'm agreeing with your second post Lalala,

It turns your stomach that he's watching porn (post 1) but you've suggested watching it together (post 2).

I don't think it's porn thats an issue, its your partner doing stuff without you is the issue. Sorry buddy, not trying to be cruel, just saying what I think after reading your conflicting posts.

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