Can't do sex

[MightAsWell]

Says it all really. DH and I have been married 14 years. We were both virgins when we got married. And I don't feel like either of us has ever known what we were doing. I've been pregnant twice so obviously the mechanics are working OK, but it's all ... meh. What's the point?

Had a traumatic birth four years ago and we didn't have sex at all for over two years after that - I couldn't face it. Then when we did it was great, just that one time. Since then it's been very infrequent and just dull. I don't see the point, but recently some friends were comparing notes on the fantastic sex they'd been having, and I didn't say anything but I was thinking, if even half what they say is true, how is that even possible?

I've never been able to relax into sex completely, there's always something in my brain going "is this right? am I doing it right? what do I have to do next?" I usually orgasm but it's like my body's enjoying it but my brain isn't. It feels like I have to wrench my brain into the right place for it to happen; DH tries but isn't very good at touching me how I like. I used to try and tell/show him what I like, but the next time we did it he'd just go back to doing the same things so I gave up.

Is there anywhere I can find out how to do this? There are lots of sites/articles with tips for improving your sex life but they all seem to start from the idea that you know how to have sex.

Fundamentally, you know how to have sex (when broken right down, sex is insert tab A into slot B to be really clinical about it), however, from what you're saying you can't connect your mind and your body together?

How open is the communication between you and your husband about sex?
Not just in a "I'd like you to touch me there, there and there" sort of way, but do you speak about sex (in all forms) outside the bedroom?

Have you ever looked around to see what turns you (and your DH) on? Either porn or erotic images, as I think you both may need to go back to the beginning and talk about what you both like and dislike, and experiment with a few ideas*

*I'm not in the sex therapist profession, so feel free to completely disregard my comments

Have you ever had a conversation about sex when you're not having sex?

My first boyfriend and I were virgins together 13 years, didn't even bother after year 5 I think, I was very much in the don't get what all the fuss is about, he was EA and eventually I saw the light and we split up.

Got out into the world after that, had a 4 mth relationship, couple of one night stands still really not that great, gave up on men learnt about my own body my confidence grew and then met DP.

I had very much been doing it wrong

I think it comes down a lot to how much the man is invested in your pleasure, and willingness to discuss things outside of the bedroom, it's also down to you to understand your body and what feels good to you and what doesn't.

You really need to talk to him and hopefully your soon see what all the fuss is about :)

Do you discuss fantasies or masturbate (alone or together)? That can help. How would you feel about sexting? You can then "plan" what's going to happen like "been thinking about you... Tonight I want you to touch / kiss / whatever me slowly / hard / over my clothes / in the shower" and them follow through when he's home, so if he's doing x but you want y, move his.hamds and say "no, remember I've been really looking forward to you doing y"

Alternatively, some people just aren't that in to sex? I know my partner isn't particularly fussed about it and tbh, while I enjoy it, I think it's more about the intimacy and if I'm getting that in other ways I'm not particularly bothered about the sexual aspects.

Just to say don't listen to friends and their sex lives! No ones going to tell you it's pants and they're only at it once in a blue moon.

I find it interesting that you "usually orgasm" - I couldn't possibly orgasm whilst feeling awkward as you say you are!

BeenThereTooSel actually I disagree. MOST of my friends tell me they can't be arsed and would rather watch telly...

Ok, so you usually orgasm , that's good, some don't get that. Then you had the one time, so think about that one time, and what was it about it that made it so good, was there something you could recreate?
It's complicated, sometimes the best times can be related just to hormonal urge at ovulation. IME, I'd say that is a boost at times, but other times are never just Meh. It's difficult to call for another person, because each to their own applies. I can say the most meh sex for me, has been sex without emotional attachment, with someone who does not know what you like.
I can say, my current BF has had less experience than I, and far less experience than others I have known, however, the brilliance of it is that, he's a boffin, and he's sensitive. So, he's learnt what I like, and I suspect, he will have read ahead scientifically what works for women and tries that out, but also, he will listen and heed the response - a moan, rapidly increasing breathing, gasps. I've also told him certain things I like.
Your DH has perhaps not been 'in the moment' either. You say you have told him, then he reverts to a baseline he has. that could come down to personality and compatibility.
Ultimately, in a loving respectful relationship, you get off on a positive response from the other, you can fulfill a personal need, but not caring about the other, is ok for yourself, but just not wow!
I'd guess he's caught in a sorting out his urges mode, he stops doing what you like as he's ok. Maybe he has not, the need to please as well as receive. But, then there is the question of what you do for him? Are you 2 people who are thinking that if you orgasm, goal achieved.
Sex with someone you love, is a chance to go to town and worship each other, listen and feel. I would suggest taking it down to basics, learn to listen to each other by taking sex off the agenda for a night, but massage and touch, use anything you think will help - oils, feathers, ice-cubes, whatever appeals. Don't make it about sex, make it about exploration and tantalization.

Thanks everyone. Yes, communication is definitely an issue; we seem to be able to talk fine on every other subject going, but sex ... no. Too excruciatingly embarrassing, I don't even know where to begin. Also DH is sensitive about his lack of experience and tends to assume I'm going to criticise.

Are you 2 people who are thinking that if you orgasm, goal achieved.
Open, I think you've got something there. We spent so long ttc, it became "right, let's get on with it, mission accomplished". And then all the disappointments. And then pregnancy, and as soon as DH could feel a bump he couldn't cope with the idea of sex. And then some months of infections after the episiotomy, and flashbacks of the birth, and ... It's not been good.

That's a shame, my body was at it's most endogenously sensitive while I was pregnant, luckily my partner at the time had no issue if it was ok by me - which it was, even the night before labor ( I'd heard it could help bring labour about).
I'd say, your DH maybe has a few psychological issues that he should explore if he avoids sex during pregnancy, that kind of thinking can lead to you being put in a box of 'mother' rather than a sensual being with needs, therefore the focus is now his need rather than seeing you in that light. Witnessing a traumatic birth can compound the isuues he has.
How good someone is, has bog all to do with experience, more to do with attitude of the other person.
You really are going to have to get over your embarrassment during discussion if you want improvement. After 14 years, you really should know each other inside out, yet you don't, you've only scratched the surface in all that time. You are missing out, talking about stuff like this leads to getting to know each other better, and brings closeness in many other ways.
Initially, take turns massaging each other, because, being relaxed and close makes it easier to talk and most of all listen. I wish you luck.

Erogenously - spellchecker lol.

I agree with opentooffers with the experience not meaning much and attitude being more important.

What I did when DP and I were having a lull was send random questions about how he felt about sex and if there was anything he wanted to try. The initial conversations were quite awkward/embarrassing, but it got easier to talk via text then move on to talking about sex when not in the bedroom. Start slow with what you feel comfortable with.

Texting's not a bad idea, if squirming too much in person. I must admit. I'm not one for talking about my fantasies, think I prefer to keep them to myself, it's not necessary to do that if you'd feel odd about it.
Fine to keep it real, though I think my BF knows I'd like to skinny dip in the sea with him in a hot part of the world ;-). That's quite a realistic aim, unlike most fantasies, which I would not necessarily want to indulge in in real life (that's why they stay private fantasies).
Talk about what you'd actually like, what would make things better for both of you IMO.