Phimosis

[SilkScarf]

Met a wonderful man. Funny, sweet, kind, everything my Ex HB was not, especially not in the last 5 years of our relationship. The relationship stated slowly. We took time to get to know each other before diving in to bed together, mainly driven by him. I have to fess up that I was ready and craving to get his pants off weeks ago. I guess a was pretty desperate not having had sex in a long time. Anyway, when it finally happened I discovered that he has phimosis. He can not retract the foreskin at all during sex which makes orgasm during penetrative and oral sex extremely difficult. I naively thought that men suffering from that condition would have sought medical attention in their teens or early twenties. We are both middle aged. Thinking back I think this could be the reason why he held off from having sex for a long as we did.

As a person I'm open and have no qualms to talk about sex. He seems to find it more difficult. Had we both been in our twenties I would probably ask him if he has thought about getting treatment but considering his age and the information available on the web I would assume he knows what his options are.
Does anyone have experience with this type of condition. I'm keen to learn how to satisfy him sexually and I honestly don't have a clue as to where to start.
People often say that it is not that important that both partners are not able to come during sex and that's fine if that works for them but I'm really struggling with that concept.

Have done a search on the web but there seems to be very little information, hints, tricks out there as to how to have sex with this condition. It all seems to come down to seeing the GP...

Any tips greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

Would a condom help prevent his foreskin from getting retracted?

Once he is hard there is no chance of pulling the foreskin back. The only time he is able to pull the foreskin back is in the bath.:-(

How restrictive, poor man. Is he not interested in getting things fixed, hasn't he talked to you about it? If he can retract in the bath it might be a case of having a cut rather than full circumcision. Ouch

To be honest I would love nothing more than to talk to him about it but we have only just started out having sex and I'm not sure how to breach the subject really. (Yes, I'm a sad cow, I know) I don't want to make the problem worse tbh.

He was brought up in a very catholic family. Perhaps that's why he didn't seek help during puberty (but I'm only guessing here). I don't know much about his previous relationships but I from what he is saying his relationships have never lasted longer than 2 years, no DC. Unbelievable really because he is such a lovely man.

Think you need to have a chat!

I know... If only he was. 20 year old inexperienced guy. Trouble is that he is not and probably had a fair few chats about this in previous relationships. I feel like I'm treading on egg shells.

Is he a keeper? If he is I would stress you're in this for the long run etc etc . Apart from anything else he risks a tear at some point which apart from being painful is more embarrassing imo than getting it fixed in a planned manner.

Yes, definitely keeper. I think he is perfect... Expect that if I'm honest sex was a bit of an anticlimax. I had and still don't have a clue as to how to satisfy this guy. The idea that a man does not orgasm during oral and finds it extremely difficult during intercourse is totally alien to me. He gets proper hard and turned on but it takes him absolutely ages to come if at all.

Definitely have a very gentle chat but needs to be fine dinner rather than later I think. Keep telling him you're delighted with him etc but want to make things better. Poor man can't have told his parents when he was a teen.

There is only one proper solution and that's going under the knife I'm afraid. Had this myself for a long time and every rip tear etc just adds to the scar tissue and makes it worse. There is almost no sensation as the foreskin is so thick it's like wearing 10 condoms so he is unlikely to orgasm normally.
One word of warning it did take me quite a few months to get over the op but I was probably unlucky.

Oh by the way he may not have had it all his life, mine started about 28 and I struggled through until mid 30s. No idea why probably some sort of infection, nothing sinister BTW! Once it started it just seemed to get gradually worse.

My DP had phimosis. It's rank (sorry but it is), it's incredibly hard to maintain basic hygiene for a start, and then you've got the stored up urine issues that come along with it, it gets trapped under the foreskin and seeps out later. There was no way in the world that I was putting it in my mouth. I suppose it depends on how severe it is, his didn't retract at all. He never orgasmed during sex, although could do it himself by hand.

He was in his 30's when we met and had never done anything about it. We saw the GP who prescribed a thining cream which over time means the skin starts being able to retract. It didn't work, so he was circumcised. Best decision he could have made, he now enjoys sex, is clean and to be completely honest it looks so much better, it was very off putting before. It always looked sort of painful to me, and I couldn't shake the thought of what was beneath the foreskin.

My ex was circumcised at 48 years old. I was the first person who ever suggested it to him! He had never seen a doctor about it and thought it was just "one of those things".

He was rampant for weeks once it had healed!

Have the conversation with him. The op is very minor and so worth it.

Did he actually explain his condition to you? It's not clear from your op whether he discussed it with you or you discovered it during sex?
I wouldn't assume that he has had many conversations with ex lovers regarding his options or surgery. That might not be the case.
It might help if you casually mention a 'friend' whose son had his Phimosis corrected with surgery? A white lie, but it could be a basis for discussion.

Thanks for you advice all. It helps to know that not everyone who has dealt with this issue was in their twenties.

He didn't talk about it. Discovered it during sex. He finished off by hand on our first night together. The experience made me feel a tad inadequate tbh. (Selfish I know) Once he was asleep and snoring like a baby I grabbed my phone and spent most of the night googling what had just happened. In the morning I asked him if he ever pulled his foreskin back during sex. He replied that he didn't, that it is painful and only retracts his foreskin in the bath.

I'm going to have to talk to him. I was hoping there was a way around the problem tbh.. Finding a way to start the conversation could prove tricky. The little white lie about the friend with a son who is going in for surgery is potentially a good idea. Thank you

I think when you talk about it you'll find out if he's a keeper. If he's willing to discuss it and seek a solution to both your satisfactions, then this could be it! I think him finishing by hand is not something I'd be happy with beyond the short term.

To be honest, I'd never heard of phimosis and I've a feeling he isn't very clued up about it either.

Of course it's embarrassing to have your tackle scrutinised by medical professionals and that maybe his stumbling block. You sound very understanding and supportive though so I hope with your help he can get it sorted.
It actually sounds like a quick straightforward procedure so it's a real shame if he's avoided addressing it all these years.

I offer my sympathies. I was engaged to a guy with this problem. He was mid thirties and totally in denial it was a problem. Yet he found it very hard to maintain an erection and very seldom got aroused.

He ejaculated once in three years. He never managed full penetrative sex.

There are health issues involved too. As it's not possible to clean properly when the foreskin cannot retract. I think I remember reading that there is a greater risk of infection and even cancer with this condition.

An attempt at oral sex had me gagging once as stale urine was trapped and it really was most unpleasant. Something I find very pleasurable to give in the act of Sex. It was my first and last attempt.

He always talked in the final few months of getting a circumcision but he would lie about making appointments and it became more of a trust issue also.

It became way too big an issue, and we eventually split up for a number of reasons but this was a big one.

I would definitely have a chat if it's something you think will cause future problems for you.

I carried the paranoia a bit after reading the health issues, and made sure my son could retract and wash under his foreskin when he was 6 or 7.

I couldn't have stayed with DP if he hadn't have been circumcised. Luckily he was very open to discussing it and the last thing he wanted was to risk me getting infections.

My now DH had phimosis when we met (he was 32 apparently he'd had it since his mid 20s) - he could be stimulated to orgasm manually (smaller strokes at foreskin height, careful not to tug back too hard and cause the tightness around his foreskin to pull).

Like Ineedmore.... and Obliviated oral sex was a bit touch and go, the stale urine (and smegma) thing is a thing, but luckily DH was able to (more uncomfortably than painfully) retract his foreskin in the shower to give it a good tentative clean, so we just had to plan ahead (I was quite direct about this, it sounds like your relationship is not quite settled enough for that level of directness).

I also learned to be a better 'receiver' of manual stimulation (how nicely put!) as there is a lot of pleasure (for him) to be had out of pleasuring others.

About a year into our relationship he had a minor surgery to fix the phimosis - a little snip to loosen the foreskin under local anaesthetic, apparently it was noninvasive, and only uncomfortable (itchy and a bit achy) as it healed. It healed within six weeks or so, and we were able to have full, penetrative sex with climax after that.

His foreskin and 'helmet' (is that what we're calling it.... I guess better than 'bellend' but not as accurate as 'glans') remained super-sensitive (almost painful) for several months so we had to go-easy (plenty of lube, gentle near the top) - but slowly become accustomed to getting touched.

It did take a while for our sex life to fall into an even keel - having had very little pre-op, none for over a month post-op and the it being sensitive for a few months after that - but all-in-all, if he's a keeper, these things are inconsequential vs. the love and care we have in our relationship.

Thanks for the advice all. We are away the weekend after next. Will try to find the right moment (if that exists) and see how it goes.

Thanks again for sharing, I really appreciate it. xx

DH had this - he was circumcised in his '30's

Mr Elbows developed this in his mid 30s. He ended up in terrible pain from tearing and it ended any attempts at penetrative sex. Quick circumcision and it was all fixed.

My ex had this in his early 20's. He was a virgin until he met me (at 22) because of it but he actually managed to 'cure'(?) it. He really struggled at first but he saw the GP, was given tips and within a year he could retract it fully. The change between how it was previously was huge.

I also know someone else who had it and was circumcised in his 20's because nothing helped.