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Lack of oral sex makes me sad

24 replies

BabooshkaKate · 11/06/2016 17:55

SO SORRY about the TMI that is about to follow but I could really do with some advice. Longtime lurker/poster but namechanged for obvious reasons.

DP and I are early 30s, have been together for 6 years, no DC. Sex life mostly OK, bit thin on the ground but we do both work ridiculous hours and value sleep more than almost anything else, to be frank.

As the familiar story goes, when we first started seeing each other the sex was great, lots of variety and give and take. I thought I'd hit the jackpot as previous boyfriends were stingy with anything other than PIV sex. Then it trailed off a bit and I got less and less despite giving the same-ish as before. I asked why, he said it hurt his tongue if he did it for ages. OK, but even a couple of minutes would be nice, no need to staple your tongue to my clit for an hour Hmm

Over the years I have asked him to do it more often, he will once or twice, then forget all about it again for months until I work up the courage to ask again. This makes me feel like such a sex pest. I find it humiliating to keep asking and then keep getting ignored. Consequently it has been about a year since any sort of Australian kisses.

I don't know if I am being too sensitive and should just pipe up or demand oral sex - but that feels so aggressive which is so not me and to be honest I just want to feel wanted. I don't want to ask, I want him to want to make me feel good.

Has anyone got any words of wisdom or been in this situation and made it work? Sad

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 11/06/2016 19:52

Suggest a 69..?
Suggest a bath followed by a 69?

Dozer · 11/06/2016 19:54

Do you still give him oral sex?

If so, why not "forget" too?

doesntmatterwhoyouare · 11/06/2016 19:58

Do you.come with piv? Just wondering how big the issue is, does he care if you enjoy sex?
Obv stop giving him oral if he isn't reciprocating and when he asks why say it makes you jaw hurt but you could look past it if you were floating on a n orgasm.high Grin
Tbh the I will when you do is how we got past it although tbh its me that needs to do some more Australian kissing (love that phrase) nowadays.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 11/06/2016 20:00

Not tmi it's a sex section! Smile

It's a difficult one because you can't force someone to do something they don't like or want.

I think it's time to have a frank talk outside of the bedroom. Tell him it was important to you, you enjoy it hugely as a component of sex and if possible you'd like more.

But find out if he really doesn't like it (could be taste, sensation, position etc)

If it's length of time only then he could alternate between hands, fingers, tongue or even a toy. If it's position then sometimes it's best to lean over you with his head pointing towards your feet.

Does he enjoy receiving? Does he expect it?

For me, it's a really important component of sex. I'd feel the same as you. I love the intimacy of it and it's the main way of orgasming for me.

Eatmypants · 11/06/2016 21:28

That'd be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Is he stingy with his affection in other areas too? It's a slipperly slope when intimacy dissolves over the years.

Tiredofsummer · 11/06/2016 21:54

This would make me sad to its quite important to me aswell. Hopefully he realises how important it is to you.

AnneEtAramis · 12/06/2016 17:27

It's has been at least two years since I got this. It's pretty clear my DH doesn't like doing it so I only request after a couple of drinks. I do still reciprocate though as I like doing it. I wouldn't like him insisting if I didn't so I don't insist. But I feel your sadness.

TheNaze73 · 13/06/2016 20:43

You should never give to receive however, I think I'd withdraw from DP's favourite activity, if they weren't doing it for me.
I've just typed DP on a sex forum. Fnarr fnarr Wink

NotExactlyBradPitt · 14/06/2016 15:17

Different positions might help, certainly my neck can get sore after a while. Personally I love the smell and the taste, the only thing that's annoying is hairs getting stuck in my teeth or down my throat. If that's a problem for him then shaving/waxing might encourage him (if you don't already). Have you tried toys? There are some really small discreet ones (I think they're called bullet vibrators) which might help take the pressure off his tongue for a bit.

Radicalrooster · 16/06/2016 22:13

I love getting blowjobs. My wife doesn't like giving blowjobs. Ergo, I don't get any blowjobs.

Do I care? No. Couldn't care less actually. I just love being with my wife and if she doesn't enjoy that sort of thing then that's fine by me. It's such an irrelevance in the wider scheme of things.

Busybuzzybumblebee · 18/06/2016 10:53

My dp hates giving oral and has always refused point blank to do it. I used to give him blow jobs etc but now as it ends up pissing me off. He's happy not to receive though and tbf he's learnt to be good with his hands so still have Cum

If he doesn't like doing it can't force him, maybe teach him how to get you off in other ways instead.

AlanPacino · 18/06/2016 11:07

I could not enjoy a sex act if I had any reason to think the other person was less than thoroughly turned on by it. If I knew he didn't like it wouldn't want him to do it to me. Most of the pleasure in sex is seeing your partner enjoying giving you pleasure as well as what you're physically feeling.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

velourvoyageur · 11/07/2016 19:32

Aw, Radical. I know what you're saying is what any decent person would say and I shouldn't be patting you on the back for it, but I did like your post :)

I agree too - he doesn't want to do it, clearly, so it's good you don't keep bringing it up. If he didn't enjoy it but didn't mind it, he would probably do it, but I think he's telling you that he doesn't want to. So pls just back off.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/07/2016 19:48

I really disagree with the idea that you 'just back off'. A lot of women only orgasm from oral making it a pretty important part of sex. It's clearly a key element for the OP.

OP I think more open communication is needed. How important is it to you? Can you find out whether he actively dislikes it it is just lazy? If he dislikes it is there something specific that could be changed? You need to know.

If he just hates it and doesn't want to do it any more then you need to decide if that's a relationship deal breaker for you. But you can't make a decision without all the facts.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/07/2016 19:50

Should add that I do agree he shouldn't have to do something he really dislikes. But that doesn't mean you're obliged to just quietly live without.

velourvoyageur · 11/07/2016 19:56

Yeah, you're absolutely right about the communication. He should justify it at least.

But the suggestion about withholding his favourite thing from him until he gives oral just struck a wrong chord to me really, no offence PP. I don't like being hit with a belt but I was with someone who loved that - but I didn't like it so we simply didn't do it, let alone her chosing something I liked to withhold and so manipulating me into letting her do her preferred thing. Apols if you didn't mean it like that.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/07/2016 19:57

I'm with Radical, I think. I wouldn't want him to be doing something he didn't like, it's suck all the fun out for me too. I think if it's critical to you, you're incompatible. You should get the sex life you want but he should too, and if that's not the same things, it's not there between you.

It's possible he's just being very lazy but if he's been that lazy for years, knowing it upsets you, that's not much better.

Houseconfusion · 11/07/2016 19:58

I'm imagining this post written by a man.

Would there be a post saying his wife should at least justify her reluctance?

Chewits · 11/07/2016 20:05

I feel your pain OP Sad

DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/07/2016 20:07

House if that was aimed at me the answer is 'yes'. Not about justification but I do think adults need to communicate openly about the sex they're having. Especially if one partner is making decisions like 'no more oral' that are likely to have a huge impact on their partner's overall enjoyment. This is not a gender thing.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/07/2016 20:10

I also really dislike the tit for tat suggestions for the record. This is not a war of attrition. It's supposed to be a loving relationship between two people who want each other to be happy. If one person is miserable neither is winning.

Houseconfusion · 11/07/2016 20:17

This IS a gender thing, because sex is also an area where a variety of lines are blurred usually where many women consent to frequency/acts they are not entirely comfortable with. And on these boards, and rightly so, they are encouraged to question this, and step out of it. rightly so. They are asked to not accept any form of sexual activity that they aren't entirely comfortable with without having to justify it to the man demanding it. All of this is right.

Therefore it should ideally apply when roles are reversed. If a sex act makes me uncomfortable, then I do not wish to perform it. If I tell my partner that a particular sex act is not one I like, I would expect him to never ask me to think or rethink about it. Uncomfortable, end of.


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DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/07/2016 20:37

That to me is a really weird attitude. Of course people should discuss this stuff! If your partner said I never want to do piv (for example) ever again. You'd just accept it and not even expect a discussion?

velourvoyageur · 11/07/2016 20:42

'Justification' can start from plain 'I don't like it and I don't want to'. What's wrong with that? That's what I meant. If it's triggering for you to give a reason, then say that. But if you're ok talking about it, then communicate.

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