Submissive

[guffspeak]

I'm very interested in being a sub, I'ma complete novice but the more I read about this more it turns me on.
I've been chatting to a guy online but am wary
I wonder if anyone could give me anynmore info/advice/red flags/things to look out for
Many thanks x

I've been chatting to a guy online but am wary

I'd be more than wary, I'd be worried TBH.

Dom and Sub relationships, imo, work best in one of two ways.

1. As part of a long term, loving relationship.
2. As a finincial arrangement between the dom and sub

Ignoring option 2, i'll guess you're looking at option 1.

Think of a Sub / Dom relationship as being the same as any other relationship. you need to build good solid foundations of trust and love etc before you even think about handing someone the permission to be your Dom. I would never, ever, ever suggest anyone be a sub for someone they barely know or they don't trust 110% percent.

If you're talking about being dominated by someone you've not met, someone you don't know etc, i'd be very careful. You might not feel comfortable enough to explore as far as you want to go, he might take it too far and it slip from sub / dom to abuse.

Keep reading stuff, maybe join a sex life forum, Love Honey have a very good one, they'll be bale to give you all the detail you want.

Didn't want to read & run but, what seeyou says, is spot on.

We've talked about what it means to be sub/dom
He says it takes a lot of time to build trust and it would consist of a lot of chatting online leading eventually to talking on the phone and then meeting if I felt comfortable, he also says its not about the sex, its a mindset and he's not into hurting or being abusive
Does this sound correct?

I agree with seeyou with the exception I do think you can have a FWB Dom/sub relationship but only between experienced people.

You should do some reading, there's lots of stuff on the Internet. Understand what you find a turn on/off mentally and physically. For example, Cavewoman is not into pain or a massive fan of bondage. For a lot of DM/sub's these are big play area.
Do you want to be part of the "scene" or is it private thing for you.

To hand the Dom "power" to someone you hardly know is very risky indeed. it's not just about the sex.

It would be a friend's with benefits situation, would be into slight pain
But for me it's the idea of someone being in control of you , looking after you, a mix of slight fear and submission along with tenderness and being looked after
I've made a pig's ear of explaining it!!

I think that what you are proposing would be potentially incredibly dangerous. You haven't made a pig's ear of explaining it at all, but I think that in bypassing first establishing an actual relationship with someone to whom you are handing over a certain amount of control (regardless of safewords, pre-agreements on boundaries etc), you are putting yourself at needless risk.

But I would be building up a relationship first, it would be a long time before I'd consider meeting and then only in public for ages

sooo, you chat online for a while. obviously you will talk about sex, about being intimate in a very specific way. you may discuss a contract. presumably sexting/emailing/Skype will be a part of this. you want to be a sub, so will be vulnerable and find it it exciting when this guy talks about dominating you.

and then, after ages, you meet him. he's a foot shorter than he said, has a squeaky voice and smells terrible. he also knows a great deal about you and you have been extremely intimate. what then?

I presume you're on fetlife or equivalent? go to a munch, meet some real people, take it from there. your self-esteem is very important, more so in a dom/sub context. go into this with your eyes and mind open, and keep a healthy dose of self-preservation at the core of everything you do.

just my opinion...

It's on fab not fetlife, I would be extremely carefully about anything identifying and would not use webcam , I'm not definitely going to do this, just thinking about it

Also he is only five foot eight and I'm having difficulty in imagining how dominant he could be, I just , probably wrongly, equate dominance with height

You haven't made a pigs ear of explaining it at all.

The thing is op...submissiveness demands great respect, and a safety in knowing that your dom will stop when you signal...I don't think you can truly have that trust with someone you hardly know.

Talking it up on the internet like he has, is all well & good. But there is nothing to base your trust on with a stranger.

But presumably we would have built up relationship before I would even think about putting myself in a vulnerable position through talking and meeting safely

I agree with exWife and disagree with seeyou

There are more than two scenarios for a dom/sub sex life. Eg, FWB, Sharing, meeting up for set periods of play time and experimenting, you don't have to be in a LTR with one person or even be exclusive.

It's all very well chatting online, reading on forums and theorizing, but you need to meet like minded people. It's impossible to guage chemistry via emailing and skype only.

Put yourself out as wanting to play. Experiment. Learn. As a newbie. You need to learn your own boundaries before you know what they are.

The most and utmost important thing is that STOP means STOP (safeword).

I'd highly recommend beginning in a party environment.

Go to a munch. Then choose a play partner to join you at a Fet party. In a party environment you will be safe, there's no chance things will "Go Wrong". But please don't go alone you'll have a shit time. Meet someone at least 2-3 times before going together. Discuss your fantasies beforehand.

OP you said earlier "some little pain" who introduced that into the conversations? Is it part of your vision of submission before you started chatting. Clarify your own vision, then relay it to this chap if he's dismissive of your vision and is only prepared to dominate on his terms. Watch out. Domination is a collaborative endeavour and you each need to know each other's vision and work at it together. It may seem counter intuitive, but there can be a very fine line between enjoyable d/s and abuse.

can I ask where in the UK you are. You could do your first meets at a club. Much safer and more controlled environment.