performance difficulties

[katand2kits]

I wanted to namechange but it doesn't seem to be working so fuck it, I'm prettty sure of being anonymous on here. Anyway, recently my DH seems to be experiencing quite regular difficulties in maintaining an erection (or getting one) - obviously this has meant that more often than not, attempts at penetrative sex have failed. Up till now, I've tried to not make any sort of big deal about it - it's not the main event for me and I've been happy being satisfied in other ways. I've made an attempt recently to make more effort with regards to frequency (two small kids) and when he suggested buying a couple of toys, I was right on to it. It's now starting to get me down as I'm feeling that no matter what I do, he isn't enjoying having sex with me as much as he used to. I don't want to be the one having all the fun. Like most other women, my body has suffered somewhat from having children and I already feel unattractive, but I do try not to let that bother me in bed.
I've not raised the subject yet as I don't want to go about it wrong and hurt his feelings. What would be a tactful and sensitive way to go about it?

I'm sure that isn't the case but, I think it may be psychologically hurting him, as he may be feeling he isn't functioning as a man. How old is he OP?

We are both late 30s. I expect he does feel bad about it, but I've been careful to never express any disappointment about it. I don't know if the problem is physical or psychological - I would expect the latter as he is otherwise healthy.

Change of diet? Exercise? Loads of foreplay, if he is erect don't fuss him to much? Its difficult for you and him.

Diet average - neither of us gets enough exercise but that isn't really a change. I guess what I want to know is whether or not it is a good idea to initiate a discussion about it? Or would that make matters worse?

When did the problem start? Some guys don't like using sex toys as they make them feel inadequate.

I think you should talk to him about it, but whatever you do, approach the subject gently or you could make things worse.

Sex toys was his suggestion, I've only ever used them alone in the past. The problem is fairly recent, I've only noticed it in the past year, before that it was the normal sporadic thing that happens to most men from time to time, not a regular occurrence. We have just come out the other side of the sleep deprivation phase, so sex was not very frequent until the past few months.

It could be a physical problem. If I were you I'd get him to see his GP.

Stress can really kill an erection. And so if he's stressed about the situation- and he will be- it becomes a vicious circle.
As far as your own worry, think about erections like eyesight. You wouldn't be thinking "if he really wanted to look at me he wouldn't need glasses", would you? Erections, like eyesight, are out of his control (and aren't necessarily what they were in younger years). So don't worry, it isn't you. It's good to make things not just about penetration...there's lots of other fun to be had. Toys are a great and take the pressure off relying on his performance for your pleasure, too.

I see what you mean about a vicious circle. That makes a lot of sense.

I'd say it's rare, happening even from time to time, in anyone below the age of 40. As it has happened occasionally, when he was younger than he is now - and he is still on the youthful side -I'd guess there is a psychological element to it, that he's maybe had for a while and has developed further with time. The only way to address it is by talking to him, ignoring it won't make the issue disappear.
What's his alcohol intake like? If he is physically fit, it's possible that could be a reason.

Alcohol average, we don't often tend to have drunk sex anyway. But yeah, I expect a conversation might be in order.