Reciprocation

[JamesTiberiusKirk]

My wife and I are frequently worn out in the evening (we have three kids and both work full time), so a lot of the time we don't have the energy for full sex, and we will simply get each other off manually.

Increasingly, what will happen is she will have an orgasm or two, and then say she is too tired, and will return the favor the next evening. This never happens.

We've always said that there should be no pressure on the other to reciprocate if they are tired, but this is starting to be the case every time.
The consequence of all of this is I am starting to feel quite distant from my wife physically, and it's not doing my self confidence any good

AIBU to hope for reciprocation at least some of the time?

I experience this with my ex wife. After some time it starts to hurt. You don't want to put any pressure on her neither should you. It's only nice if she wants to. But it starts to attack your self esteem and makes you feel unloved. I know personally it also felt like she was being very selfish over time (although my ex was). If i try to talk to her about it she would get defensive and shut the conversation down. Say things like you only talk about sex. Not much practice advice I am afraid. It maybe more of a relationship issue than a tenichal sex issue. But I feel for you mate I have been there and it don't make you feel good about your self.

Have you spoken to her about it?

She sounds incredibly selfish. You need to address this with her

She sounds selfish and lazyI

I think you should tell that if she has an orgasm it's only fair that you have one too.

That is selfish behaviour. A one off, perhaps if she has a huge climax and falls asleep, fair enough, but no it sounds selfish.

Perhaps sit down and try to talk about it when you have some time alone.

I'd suggest just manually getting yourself off instead of satisfying her one night, but someone will come on and say it's passive aggressive or disgusting or something....

Who does the initiation? Are you watching her wank or are youwanking her. The key bit really is who does the initiation, if its the case that you initiate and wank her on her, then you've got what you wanted so there is no need for her to reciprocate. You see its a bit like giving to charity, if I give a fiver to the RSPCA should I expect them to reciprocate and give me a fivers worth of Winalot, no because I initiated the giving. You could do shakey bed an knock one out while she's lying next to you.

Thanks for all the responses - sorry I haven't been around until now.

To answer some questions:

We have quite divergent sex drives - mine is very high, and my wife's is lower. As a result, I reign in a lot of my initiation because I don't want to pester.

1DAD2KIDS That sounds very similar to my situation. Whenever we talk about it I get accused of pressurising her for sex and everything gets very defensive.

DependencyInjection Initiation is fairly evenly split between us. Usually we will spoon and she will draw my hands to her breasts, and then down between her legs. A combination of that makes her cum a few times, then she either falls asleep, or asks that we continue the next evening, which we never do.

Then take your hand back and ask if she'll turn round this time.

Is she really exhausted op? And sorry to trot out the usual stuff but are you definitely doing 50/50 around the house? I was totally exhausted when my DS was little, working full time and doing everything.

I used to feel disgusted with my ex that on top of all that he expected me to perform. Like I wasn't doing everything for him already. The feelings grew bigger and I ended up feeling just disgust for him. I found the idea of another big baby to look after a real turnoff, let alone to have sex with.

Not saying that's you of course. Just how it all built up.

What would happen if you told her one night to sit and rest for a couple of hours before bedtime while you finished the chores, or that she took a bath and you had an early night together? Do you think her outlook would change?

Start earlier in the evening, so both of you can get in the mood and aren't so tired. Instead of sitting down watching tv/listening to music/gaming/online etc., try being intimate earlier in the evening so you don't feel too tired for sex by 'bedtime'. It doesn't have to be every day but it may help to improve the quality and frequency. Take turns rather than letting your wife have her own way all the time, if she initiates, tell her you're glad she remembered what she said about continuing so you can enjoy it the next day.

wallybantersjunkbox we try to split housework and childcare 50/50. Some night one will do more than the other, but in general I think we manage an even share.

I am not whinging or sulking about this - I have kept my feelings to myself, as I know how unattractive this can be. That said, I don't know how much longer I want to internalise everything.

I understand OP - don't think you're sulking at all actually.

I think if a female poster said her husband grabbed her hand each night to masturbate him - there'd be uproar.

It's really difficult. Perhaps as I said, a firm but kind no, you said tonight was my turn. And really have the motivation to turn away or pleasure yourself.

I think it's best to have a frank discussion though, you say your sex lives are out of sync but it sounds like she enjoys an orgasm or two regularly. You're not asking for much more, are you?

Perhaps try a different approach, stop worrying that your pestering and put the "we'll do it tomorrow" not happening concern out of your head. I feel that your concerns may be the thing that putting a block on your own enjoyment. It does sound that as a couple your sexually active than most, it could be that her bits are a bit sore and take a couple of days to recover, there's a lot of friction involved. Just think if your knob is a bit sore after a handjob you wouldn't really be "thinking sexy" until its feeling OK.

Maybe have a think about what you consider the pestering to be as well, if its along the lines of "Fancy a cup of coffee, Luv? No! Oh! Well OK then" and you don't ask again for another day. That's not pestering. If its "Can we do it now" over and over with pawing and groping and a side order of emotional blackmail. That's a problem (a big one). My feelings are that your doing the former and maybe over worrying, in which case if you can modify how you think about it, it will remove a dimension that is putting a block on sex as fun.

I'd go along with, lend a helping hand, but I'd stop before completion and say I was too tired to continue and I might finish the job tomorrow and innocently ask her how she likes it like that?

Actually, I wouldn't as this would be cruel, but I'd be tempted.

A very clever lady once said something along the lines of how important it was to make sure you got off before the guy did, otherwise he wouldn't bother finishing you off. It's the same this way around too. Sorry OP, but you need to have a talk, away from the bedroom, away from the kids and you need to point out how this is affecting you and what you think needs to be changed.

Eek, that may have been me! My DP always makes sure I'm done first because he knows he will be asleep within moments if he doesn't and I'll be left hanging. Of course I'm tired by then, but it's only fair to repay the favour after all he's done.

Very occasionally if I'm really tired I'll just do him and then go to sleep but he feels terrible about it and promises me double the next day. It's about give and take and it sounds like your DW is taking the piss OP.

Now that she has form I would make sure that next time she makes a move you get something out of it too and joke that she left you in limbo last time and you're not letting her get away with it!

Have you manages to talk about this together? I hope you've managed to sort this out.

Sounds to me as if just actually having sex would be less hassle and more efficient as that way you'd both have fun. Is it really that much more effort?

How about mutual self loving both have a good time at the same time and then sometimes it encourages you both to do more with each other it works for me and my husband

And maybe talk to her about how you want to feel physically connected as this helps you feel emotionally more connected to

i don't think you should feel you have to justify your needs. But maybe discuss it at a neutral time outside the bedroom. Let her know your needs.