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Original poster

Not normal I don't think?

16 replies

Eeyore777 · 21/03/2016 19:04

Hi guys,

Hope you're well. I hope I can share something with you that I haven't been able to speak about with anybody else because I can be completely anonymous on here. I'm still embarrassed to say it but need to get it off my chest so badly so here goes.

I have been with DH almost 10 years and married for 3. We took things slowly at the beginning of our relationship and first slept together about 6 months in. Sex was always regular ish and fine but once we left uni it dwindled. I tried sexy underwear along with many other things but nothing really got him interested. We would have the occasional foreplay but never led to sex. Anyway, we got married after a very long run (3 years tbh) of zero sex and I assumed (naively I guess) that things would just swing into action on the wedding night and off we would go. Needless to say they didn't. And still haven't. So we haven't had intercourse in just over 6 years now.

I know this probably sounds shocking but yeah. We are very loving in other ways... Always holding hands, cuddling and all but it never leads to anything and when I try, I get no reaction. He pretends to fall asleep usually or says later but it never happens. Maybe this sounds naive but I genuinely do not believe he is having an affair or anything like that as that would be an obvious conclusion to jump to... He never hides his phone and places he says he is going always check out. He works for a family member so staying late at work could never be an excuse. I love this man dearly.

Anyway (yes it gets madder), we have always talked about starting a family and are now keen to. I don't know if he thinks the stork is going to swoop down but really?!!! The problem is that we are under (currently pleasant and jovial) pressure from family and friends to start baby making and they are bound to ask.... They already are. How do I explain the fact that babies will not be made? And how do I come to terms with that myself? I have dreamt of being a Mum for as long as I can remember and am really feeling ready.

Any help or advice would be so welcome. Is there anyone out there who has been in a similar position?

Thanks in advance. Xxx

OP posts:

SpeakNoWords · 21/03/2016 19:19

I think you're going to have to talk to him about it. It could be all sorts of things but only he will be able to answer those questions. If you talk to him about having a baby, I think it would be reasonable to also point out that you'll need to sort out whatever the issue is first.

DaphneWhitethigh · 21/03/2016 19:21

You have one serious question to ask yourself.
Do you badly want to have a sex life, or are you only concerned with having a baby? If you want a baby then there are various options that don't involve sex. If you want a sex life then some form of relationship counselling seems like a good start, but after such a long time you may need to think about whether you're prepared to leave him over it if things don't change.

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/03/2016 19:25

Does he have trouble getting or maintaining an erecting?

does he watch porn? I'm. not asking fir any judge reasons. just that of he gets hard watching porn what kind of stuff gets him.going ? IYSWIM.

you really do need to talk. there could he a medical issue at play here. is he on any medication that could explain a non existent sex drive?

counselling would also be a good idea

stumblymonkey · 21/03/2016 19:49

I agree with a previous poster...you really need to have a sit down chat with him about it.

What is stopping you from talking to him about the desire you both expressed to start a family, telling him you feel very ready to do so and asking whether he feels the same?

If he does then this leads on to a conversation about needing to start having a regular sex life and the questions this raises...how often would he like to have sex? Why does he think you haven't been having sex? Why do you think you haven't been having sex? What can be done?

Once you've had this conversation you'll be in a better position to understand what's going on....

techgirl · 21/03/2016 20:15

Thing also to ask yourself and be ready to ask him is that if you do want sex what would keep you satisfied? I.e. is full trad heterosexual intercourse a must or can you manage a mutually satisfying relationship via other sexual activities? If so it's perfectly possible to still get kids even via the traditional route with an element of him lying back and thinking of England but then agree to stick to oral or whatever subsequently. But you need to decide first what you are comfortable with and be prepared to discuss with him explicitly what kind of sex if any he is actually up for and what issues could be worked on.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 21/03/2016 20:41

Is he gay?

LogicalThinking · 21/03/2016 22:50

^^ I was going to ask the same question. It also makes me wonder why you haven't actually had a frank conversation about this in all this time - despite discussing having children. It seems like you are avoiding the elephant in the room.

CanadianJohn · 22/03/2016 03:53

It sounds to me as though your DH had a low sex drive as a young man; now, he may be asexual. This is not as uncommon as you may think, though naturally men don't talk about it.

I agree with the others who said you have to talk to him. You can hardly talk about children, as someone said, while avoiding the elephant in the room.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 22/03/2016 03:57

Have you not talked about the fact that you don't have sex for the last 6 years?
What does he put it down to? He must have an idea why he's not interested.
Celibacy isn't usual in a marriage, no, and celibacy without discussion and agreement of both parties is a big problem. An even bigger problem is if you can't discuss it.

Jw35 · 22/03/2016 06:27

You can buy self insemmination kits online. You chart your ovulation and at the right times he gives you a sample in one of the sterile cups. You syringe it in and lie down for 20 mins. I have a 15 month old via this method and one on the way. I'm not in a relationship I had a donor but it makes no difference

Duckdeamon · 22/03/2016 06:35

Many, many people would not wish to remain in a sexless relationship, whatever the reason for his behaviour: it's OK for this to be a dealbreaker and conside leaving, or just to leave, and also OK to tell people close to you what's going on. Why haven't you properly discussed it with him?

Not a good idea to have DC with him in this set up.

bassetgreyhound · 25/03/2016 12:48

He sounds like he's Asexual and should of been open with you about this from the beginning

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 25/03/2016 13:02

Do you mind living in a sexless marriage? If you don't and it's just the baby thing that's bothering you, then there are ways and means to conceive without having sex.

But if you do want to have a sex life (which is completely normal and reasonable!) you may have to face the fact that you are not going to get one if you stay in this relationship. Incompatible sex drives is a good enough reason to leave even if the rest of your relationship is fine.

Either way, you need to have a full and frank discussion with your DH. There could be many reasons why he doesn't want sex with you - ranging from erectile dysfunction to porn addiction to non existent sex drive. He may be asexual. It's impossible to say.

You really need to have a conversation about this.

Smorgasboard · 04/04/2016 11:56

Its quite something that a couple can get married, not have sex for 6 years, and not talk about it, yet still be close and affectionate. Maybe there are also some issues there with how you yourself communicate, that you could work on.

waitforrose · 29/04/2016 05:28

I can totally empathise here. I'm surprised about all the affection and holding hands etc. But that it doesn't go further than that...?

I speak as someone in your situation but the other way around: we had 2 children together before getting married. We got married when the children were both under 3. We have not had sex in the last 7 years... At all during the marriage!
I am now on the edge of a breakdown because the absence of sex has led to less affection, chronic poor communication and no intimacy or depth to the marriage on any level. It has slid there slowly and is now at a horrible point where we should probably split but I am utterly broken at destroying my children's lives.
Please please consider that no sex can lead to much less of everything eventually including love. Breaking up is a million times easier before you have children and way less damaging to them.
It can be easy to think a baby can bond you but believe me, sleep deprivation, midnight nappies etc make it far harder to get in the mood later on. Children are a hardcore reality bigger than any romantic notion of what one feels before having them.
I really hope you solve this before. Good luck 😕

ReturnoftheWhack · 02/05/2016 17:42

Has the subject just really never come up? I find that quite unusual really - seems like you're both skirting round each other's feelings?

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