Possibly inappropriate sex fantasies (may be triggering)

[FiveCharactersOrLess]

I'm deliberately going into as little detail as possible as I don't want to look like a half-term troll, but for years I've had fantasies about a certain sort of 'taboo' sex situation that works in a consensual fantasy situation but is also very similar to things that happen in real life and are horrific crimes when not consensual. I've always felt guilty about being mentally turned on by these thoughts (never actually acted on them in real life) as it feels wrong to like the idea of the fantasy when I fully appreciate how terrible the real life acts/crimes are and how much they ruin people's lives, and am also a feminist and it involves treating women as objects. But nevertheless I still find myself turned on by the fantasy.

I feel like I should try and get myself away from fantasising about this particular thing and I've tried to, eg. by trying to work out what it represents for me but don't seem to get very far, the fantasy (again, NOT the real life acts) still appeals. How do I balance not being able to get rid of the fantasy with not wanting to glorify something really RL terrible in my head?

If its a rape fantasy. Very common, and don't worry.

If it's under age sex, and your actively enjoying fantasising then I'd see a therapist. If however your having intrusive thoughts, that's very common and if your struggling with accepting them. Again see a therapist.

It's a shame you are worried about this. You'd be amazed at what other people fantasise about. :)

People have become much more accepting of fantasy (women's fantasy, especially) in the past few years, but there still seems to be a bit of uncertainty about what's 'allowed'. (Anything's 'allowed'.)

Fantasy is fantasy, the reasons you have them might be murky or complicated - it really doesn't matter.

Moopy, definitely not underage sex. It is a rape and/or "unwanted groping" (for want of a much better phrase) fantasy - is that better than underage sex because in the fantasy I'm the one who's not consenting but obviously actually consenting IYSWIM, whereas with underage sex it wouldn't be? Sorry if that's put awkwardly, just trying to understand why the two are different.

Thanks Scrimshaw, I know other people fantasise about stuff that would probably turn my stomach, without going out and harming anyone, but it definitely feels as though there's a grey area about what I should be 'allowed'.

Moved, thanks MN, now hopefully I won't be annoying any AIBUers

Op still not sure you'll get the info you need here. Fet life is the way to go. Happy to pm I you want

Just googled and will check out fet life, thanks

OP: you are right that it feels there should be a grey area but I think that shifts over time and also person-to-person. No need for details, but there is reason in the idea that anything in the mind cannot be unacceptable. It's when one acts on that it becomes a problem.

Remember too that groping in real life was seen by some as just something that happened until relatively recently. You see horror stories about public transport, offices etc. in the recent past.

I also struggle with the 'naughty schoolgirl'. You can buy all the kit, seems like a mainstream fantasy, but does that mean that for the majority of those taking part in this they are implicitly OK with the idea of younger women?

In your shoes I'd be tempted to go for the tidier approach: fantasise about what you wish and worry when this spills in to real life. Of course you can share a fantasy and it remains just that -- between two people. I'd also look at the other suggestions on here. What you consider to be on the edges of what is appropriate might well be mainstream when you scratch the surface.

Best wishes -- you should be enjoying this.

There was a brilliant, thoughtful and well written piece a while back, by a journalist who'd been brutally sexually assaulted. She had extreme fantasies, about her experience. It helped her process it. I'm not saying all sexual fantasies are therapeutic, or should be, just that it is a function of our brain sometimes to find ways to deal with things that we can't otherwise.

I used to write for a women's erotica publisher, and for a blog on similar issues. We had lots of debates on this subject. I would suggest looking into the work of Kristina Lloyd (not me) -she's v eloquent on rape fantasy.

Rape fantasy is common and in no way indicates that you want to be raped. Fantasy and reality are often poles apart. There are things I fantasise about that I would never actually want to do. The reality would actually spoil the fantasy. The fantasy is actually quite different to the reality.

So in a rape fantasy, you are consenting, you want to be taken. It's about your submission and his desire. That's not the reality of rape.
There's also the element of being out of control, being unable to stop what's happening, and when that is just a fantasy it's exciting. It has none of the risk that the reality does. The people involved in your fantasy are all controlled by your own subconscious, they're not real people.

Enjoy your fantasies and be comfortable that they don't mean there is anything wrong with you. As long as they aren't interfering with any other aspect of your life, then they are simply a form of pleasure.