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Original poster

was i raped?

21 replies

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 04/01/2016 23:18

Ok so as a teenager i went out for a 'date' with an italian friend (we were under 16) and 2 blokes she knew who didn't speak any english.
The 'date' was a field my friend got the car i got the grass, i realised i was expected to have sex with this guy who i didn't know and couldn't talk to, well the sex was off as i had a tampon in which i showed him, so i gave him a blow job instead.

My friend was completely innocent in all this, in modern terminology she had been seriously groomed, and had been gang raped etc by these guys.

If it isn't rape what was it?

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 04/01/2016 23:24

Doesn't the definition of rape include penetration? Perhaps sexual assault or oral rape? Either way it was very wrong. I'm sorry that happened to you. Flowers

Ellie891 · 04/01/2016 23:44

Were you forced?

Lilypad15 · 05/01/2016 00:06

It doesn't sound like rape to me. You feel like you had an expectation with this guy and so you adhered to it. It doesn't sound like you were physically forced. Although it's not nice that you felt you had to engage in a sexual act that you didn't really want to

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/01/2016 00:11

If he didn't penetrate you it wasn't rape. That's a defined legal term.

If you didn't want to give him a blow job then I'd say it was sexual assault. And let's be clear, it was only his squeamishness around the fact you were bleeding that meant he didn't rape you.

I'm sorry OP.

LineyReborn · 05/01/2016 00:12

I think you might be posting in the wrong topic, tbh.

What happened to you - it sounds like you felt you had no power to refuse. You were so young. You were horribly let down by your friend, and the man was a rapist already from what you say? But your friend was a victim herself.

I think you were sexually abused. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

JessicasRabbit · 05/01/2016 00:13

I am so sorry this happened to you Thanks

I don't know if anyone other than you can answer that question. If you didn't give consent freely, if you felt you couldn't say no, then it was rape.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2016 00:14

Not raped by the legal definition. But certainly coerced and sexually assaulted. I am sorry.

Pipestheghost · 05/01/2016 00:15

Sexually exploited, how dreadful for you, I am sorry.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2016 00:16

Oops, yes, saw this in Active Convo's and didn't realise was in the sex topic

This topic is usually for acts that are consensual and equally well received by all parties. That is not the case here. Maybe report your OP and ask for it to be moved to Relationships.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/01/2016 00:17

Shit, just noticed the topic. This had come up in trending. I'm not often here but you might not get the most balanced of replies here OP. it's an area that's often trolled. Maybe report your post and get it moved to relationships or feminism not that I'm showing my colours there

JessicasRabbit · 05/01/2016 00:23

The England and Wales definition of rape does include penetration of the mouth, not just vagina.

Again, sorry for what happened to you Thanks

UkmmTheSecond · 05/01/2016 00:24

It's against the law for an adult to have sex/sexual activity with a child.

Wouldn't an adult man having a underage child suck his dick, or as he intended have sex with her, be committing a crime even if OP had agreed? In the eyes of the law she wasn't capable of consent because of her age?

You don't mention ages OP, but the use of "bloke" makes me think men a lot older? I think I'd be ringing police if an adult man took my 15 yr old dd to field to have sex with her.

Im sorry for what happened to you and also your friend. Flowers

Original poster
PassiveAgressiveQueen · 05/01/2016 08:31

I was dithering about where to put it, it def isn't a relationship issue, happened over 20 years ago, didn't feel like a feminist issue.
I knew i was coerced
But with all the talk about consent i was wondering if it was another rape in my childhood i had always refused to name.
i was under 16 they were mid 20s

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 09/01/2016 12:00

OP I have been in a very similar position to this where it becomes clear that you are expected to sexually service a man and you are afraid of the consequences if you don't, nor do you have any way to escape the location.

It sounds from your last post as if you have a history of sexual violence in childhood - me too. I am sorry that you have experienced this as well.

In terms of "labelling" it, do you feel it would be helpful to you to frame it mentally as rape or sexual assault? It certainly meets the legal definition purely on the basis of your age, let alone the issue of coercion.

BertieBotts · 09/01/2016 12:11

You were under 16 (did it happen in the UK or in Italy?) - under UK law this is rape as you couldn't consent.

Original poster
PassiveAgressiveQueen · 10/01/2016 00:13

In the uk, not sure why i suddenly wanted it naming.
i suspect if i had said no it would have been classic rape, it is fine telling our girls they can say no, they can have autonomy over their bodies but they can't, can they really?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 10/01/2016 14:05

You don't have to say no for it to be rape.

In this case it's clear cut because you were underage. If they thought you were 16 or you had been 16, then it doesn't fit the legal definition of rape because you agreed. It's still morally dubious, though. I suppose that yes, the measure would have been if you had refused how they acted next. The problem with this in law, IMO, is that you most likely agreed because you unconsciously felt it to be the safest course of action, that if you hadn't offered an alternative, they might have got threatening. That would have been rape. So in my eyes, agreeing because you fear something will become rape is not much different. But in the eyes of the law, it is different merely because you agreed and at the time you agreed you were not subject to any force or threats. The law doesn't care that you felt the implied threat anyway.

Original poster
PassiveAgressiveQueen · 10/01/2016 19:06

That's the thing isn't it, in law you have to say no and get the threats just going "i knew i had no option, it would get nasty if i didn't" because maybe i read it wrong and he would have shrugged and gone "oh, oh well"

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 10/01/2016 22:44

AF, why do you say this is not rape by the legal definition? This government site seems to suggest otherwise:

thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/in-the-know/view/get-the-facts/consent

RealityCheque · 10/01/2016 22:46

Bertie, even if you agree while being pressured it can still be considered rape. See my link above.

ImperialBlether · 10/01/2016 22:48

Rape includes oral sex, AF.

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